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The Colorado Situation 



OR 



MARIA AND HER HUSBAND 

IN POLITICS AND 

SOCIETY 



By "Jacob Short" h<u^^k 




Printed b\) Western Newspaper Union 

Denver, Colorado 

191 1 






Copyright applied for. 



CCU280527 






«l 



OUR MORAL AND 

Social Civilization is in 
the hands of the Women, 
therefore this book is 
most respectfully dedicat- 
ed to the Mothers of our 
Country. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 



CHAPTER I. 

MARIA ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE 
WOMAN'S CLUB. 

On the Ranch, Sept. 1. 
George Saunders of the Pokerville Record : 

For some time I have been thinking of writing up 
the situation as I have seen it in Colorado, for the 
last several years, and Maria says she thinks it a 
duty I owe posterity, for if I do not, most likely it 
will never be written, and coming generations will be 
deprived of some of the most important events that 
transpired, during the evolution, when women Avere 
evoluting to the sphere where they are now. 

Now, I 'm going to relate the events, only, that came 
under my personal observation, or with which I was 
connected, and I do not know that I'll relate all of 
them, for things have moved pretty lively in Colo- 
rado, since woman suffrage came in. But I'll try to 
mention the most important ones, and without fur- 
ther preface. I'll begin. 

In 1892, I left the Republicans and joined the 
Populists, and nearly all the Democrats of Colorado 
did the same thing, and we elected a Populist Gov- 
ernor and legislature, and then passed a law giving 
woman the right to vote and hold office, just the same 
as man, and she became his equal, politically, as well 
as socially. 

But after we gave women the right of suffrage, 1 



6 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

great many of them were slow in availing themselves 
of the opportunity conferred on them, and Maria was 
one of that class. In regard to woman suffrage, she 
said she thought women were suffering enough al- 
ready, without the law conferring any more responsi- 
bilities on them. m 

Maria is one of the best women in the state, if I 
do say it myself, and she is a good cook, but she can 
say the most cutting things one ever heard, and for 
some time after the law was passed, if I requested her 
to vote for a particular friend of mine, she turned 
me down with a reply that indicated she thought 
women could be engaged in a better calling, than go- 
ing to the polls and "Whooping it up for a political 
boss," as she termed our leading politicians, at that 
time. But she did finally get into politics, but it 
wasn't till after she had joined the Woman's Club, 
then, it seemed, she was willing to take a hand in any- 
thing, of a clubbing nature, that came along. 

Now, George, I want .to say right here, that I'm 
heartily in favor of women voting — that is: I'm in 
favor of it, if Maria is, for. as she says, we allow all 
kinds of good-for-nothing men to vote, then why 
should not our mothers and sisters and wives vote? 
The women of this state should always thank that 
Populist Governor and legislature for emancipating 
them. 

It is not at all necessary for a woman to neglect 
her duties to her home, husband and children, to take 
part in politics. If she is a real womanly woman, she 
will be a better wife and mother than she was before, 
as she will have an opportunity to see the evils that 
are perpetrated, and will know the better how to 
remedy them, so Maria says. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 7 

But I have gotten off my subject, George, for I 
did not intend to argue politics, or woman's rights, 
but just to relate incidents: those that have trans 
pired, and some that are happening as we go along. 

After helping the Populists carry the state and 
pass the woman suffrage bill, the Democrats scattered 
about wherever they thought they had a good roosting 
place, but the Republicans went back to their old 
party, and carried the state in 1894, then went along 
that way till 1896, then the trouble began again. 
Trouble seemed to begin oftener than it did before 
the women began to take a hand in politics. A few 
days after the nomination of Mr. Bryan, when Colo- 
rado w T as just about going crazy over the Democrat 
candidate and free silver, and all that kind of stuff, I 
concluded it was just about time for me to take a 
hand to stop the land-slide from the Republicans, for 
I didn't think I would ever leave them again. So one 
morning, after I got my work done up, I got on my 
horse and rode over to Pokerville, to engage someone 
in an argument, as that was my strong point, and the 
Republicans of the county had generally expected 
me to do most of the arguing and other political talk 
during the campaign. 

But Avhen I got over there and listened a little, 1 
was never so surprised in my life. Politics seemed to 
have taken an entirely new turn, and the arguments 
were all different, and the women were as active as 
the men, and seemed to know just as much about it, 
and, if any difference, they put up the best argu- 
ment. 

One lady, in particular, who had seen the suns of 
some forty odd summers (and the Lord, only, knew 



8 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

how many winters), and, as she said, had never been 
enwrapped in the meshes of matrimony, declared that 
if the Democratic candidate was not elected, "The 
great and glorious Centennial State will become a 
howling wilderness, and its inhabitants wanderers on 
the face of the earth. ' ' Her argument was unanswer- 
able and conclusive and I was convinced. I would fall 
into the ranks with the rest of the gang, and we 
would march up to the polls in solid phalanks, in No- 
vember, and place the Orator of the Piatt in the 
Whitehouse. Nearly all of us made speeches and had 
a great time. 

But when I went home that evening, I hesitated 
a little about telling Maria my intentions, for she 
was such a dyed-in-the-wool Republican, that I 
thought, most likely, she might raise an objection, or 
make some remark about my changing about so often 
from one party to another, every time an election 
came around. But after I had done up the evening 
work and we had eaten supper and Maria had washed 
the dishes and the children were engaged in then 
plays, and everything appeared to be as harmonious 
as possible, I concluded to tell her and be done with 
it, so I said, ■ ' Maria, there has got to be a change. ' ' 

She had sat down to her work, sewing on the chil- 
dren's clothes, most likely, for she was always busy 
at something, even before she went into the woman's 
club. But when I spoke of the change, it seemed to 
effect her quite a bit, for she stopped working on 
whatever she was doing, and looked squarely at me, 
as if she were surprised, and she is not a woman that 
is easily surprised, either. 

But, as I said, she stopped and looked at me a 
moment, and then she said, "That's what you thought 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 9 

four years ago, when you went off flirting with the 
Populists and Democrats, and you got the change, and 
now aren't you satisfied with what you got?" 

Now, George, a question like that, when it is put 
in that manner, and when one considers how times 
were from 1892 to 1896, will have a tendency to 
cause one to forget what he was going to say. But I 
saw I was in for it, and. might as well fight it our 
right there and be done with it. So, after reflecting a 
moment, to steady my nerves, I spunked up, just 
like I had seen the Populists do, when they got in a 
tight place and couldn't think of anything else to 
say, and said, "Oh, that is all right, Maria, but don't 
you see the country is going to the dogs ? " . Then she 
answered right off and said, "Yes, Jake; I see, and 
it has been going considerably in that way ever since 
you voted for the change four years ago, and got it." 

I guess Maria thought when I left the Populists, 
after helping them and the Democrats out in 1892, T 
would stick to the Republicans, for we had been hav- 
ing a pretty hard time of it, whether it was the fault 
of the Democrat administration or not, and had to 
mortgage the farm to pay the taxes and some other 
things. Of course, Ave all knew there was something 
wrong somewhere, and Maria was for putting the 
blame on the Democrats, for she said times were good 
before they got into power, but had been bad ever 
since. 

So after she made her last remark about my re- 
mark that the "Country was going to the dogs," I 
just sat there and didn't say anything for a spell or 
more, for she didn't leave off in a place where I could 
begin with any show of success. But I could see that 
I had her curiosity aroused, and I knew that when a 



10 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

woman's curiosity was aroused, the best thing one can 
say, is to just keep still, for she will do the leading- 
out after that. 

So she went on with her sewing a little while, then 
looked up and said, says she, "What kind of a change 
do you think we will have to have, Jake?" 

Now I knew my time had come, and I lit in and 
told her what I had heard the Populists and Demo- 
crats and all those other fellows over at Pokervilk 
say, and how active the women were, and if she didn't 
pitch in and help, she would be behind the times. Then 
I told her how we would coin all the gold and silver 
we could get, 16-to-one, and make everything boom, 
and everybody would have about all the money he 
wanted, and wouldn't have to work much, either. 
Then I went right on and told her that if we elected 
our man, our plains and our mountain-sides and even 
our deserts, Avould "bloom as the rose." Then I told 
her of the doleful and lamentable times we would 
have if the opposition won, and by the time I had said 
all I could think of on my own account, and all the 
things I had heard the Democrats and Populists say 
over at Pokerville, I could see she had be-ome quite 
interested, and thought I had carried my point, for 
when you get a woman interested in something, she'll 
never stop, till she finds out all about it. She is quite 
different from a man in that respect. 

Now, Maria is an educated woman. She used to 
teach school before we were married, and since we 
came to Colorado and went out on the ranch, she has 
kept up with the times, for she takes several papers 
and magazines, and besides doing her work and taking 
care of the children, she finds time to read, which is 
more than can be said of some women, if I do say it 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 1.1 

myself. And most of the men, never do read any 
thing but politics. 

But her reading, up to the time of which I am 
speaking, when she read of politics at all, had been 
from a Kepublican point of view, and, as a matter of 
course, that had a tendency to keep her mind from 
extending or reaching out, as the case may be — that 
is : her mind had not grappled so many of those things 
that have a tendency to cause one to — Say, George, 
I'm afraid that I'm not saying just what I want to 
say. I know what I want to say, but I can't find 
words to express my feelings as easily as I could be- 
fore women went into politics, and it seems that the 
farther I go, the less I get there, but lest some one 
should reach a wrong conclusion from what I want to 
say, I will say that I don't mean to infer that I am 
not in hearty accord with Maria and whatever. she 
did, or does, or. may do, or anything that any other 
woman in Colorado did or does or may do, for I hold 
that every gentleman should be loyal to the women of 
his state, regardless of results. 

Now, as I was going to say, I thought it best not 
to discuss the subject too much just then, for there 
is such a thing as overdoing, and I could see that 
Maria was in a thinking mood, and it is generally best, 
when you find a woman in a thinking mood, to let 
her think, and even encourage her a little. 

It was on Tuesday that I went over to Pokerville 
and joined the gang to do up the Republicans, and on 
the following Saturday evening, there was to be a 
lecture in the schoolhouse in Deerlick, by some lady 
(I forget her name, now), and her subject was to be 
woman's rights, and after the lecture, she was going 
to organize a woman's club, and, of course, the an- 



12 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

nouncement had created quite a flurry among the 
women, and the men, too, for that matter, which is 
always the case, when somebody or something out of 
the usual is going to turn up, and Maria and I con- 
cluded to go, and I think that almost everybody else 
in the village and community, had also concluded to 
go, from the crowd we met there. 

The lecture was a success and harmony prevailed^ 
and, from a feminine point of view (of course, the 
masculine element in the audience, kept quiet), every- 
thing was lovely, except man, and he might be made 
endurable, under the right discipline, hence, the object 
of the organization. 

At the close of the lecture, the club was organized, 
and, to my surprise, someone nominated Maria for 
president; and, to my astonishment, she raised no 
objection; and, to my bewilderment, she was elected; 
and, to my dismay, she was initiated into the mystic 
rites and assumed the duties of office in a manner 
that would have done credit to an expert. I was never' 
so surprised in my life. 

After taking her seat as president, she announces 
that the next thing in order would be the election of 
a secretary, so someone nominated Sam Snow's sister- 
in-law, and as there was no other nomination, she was 
elected unanimously, by acclamation, which gave me 
another surprise, for she and Maria were very close 
friends and had always seemed to be in accord on 
the woman question, and I had thought at times, from 
some remarks that I heard fall, that, if any difference, 
Sam's sister-in-law, was in accord more than Maria 
was, for she was nearing that age where it would not 
be safe to antagonize the opposite sex too much, unless 
she really meant what she said. 



14 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Now, I can't say that I was displeased at the selec- 
tion of Maria as president of the club ; in fact, I felt 
honored, or wonld have felt, if it had not been for the 
suddenness of the thing; for, I take it, any man, who 
holds his wife in esteem, will take pride in seeing her 
placed in a position of trust, or being selected as the 
choice from among many. And as to the selection of 
Sam's sister-in-law as secretary, they could not have 
made a better choice, for she was fitted for it in every 
respect, if she were in harmony with the thing, and 
we must take it for granted she was, or she would 
not have accepted the office. She had been secretary 
of the school board and had given satisfaction, and 
she had reached an age where she was mature enough, 
but not too mature. Taken all-in-all, I thought the 
club was well officered, if I do say it myself, and 
most likely, there would be something doing, if they 
concluded to be aggressive. 

Maria and I did not discuss the subject much at 
home, but in course of time, I could see that there 
was a gradual change in her. She is not a woman 
that jumps at a conclusion suddenly, but weighs the 
subject carefully, from her point of view, and de- 
cides according to her convictions, which is quite the 
proper thing to do. 

After that, Sam's sister-in-law come over to our 
house quite frequently, I suppose to discuss club af- 
fairs, as most likely, there would be club topics that 
would need discussing, so as to have them in proper 
shape to present when the club met, and the presi- 
dent and secretary, would most likely be expected to 
present them. And sometimes I noticed, they appeared 
to hold secret sessions, as it were, as if they had some- 
thing to discuss, that they did not want me to hear, 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 15 

but that did not excite my curiosity very much, for 
I took it for granted a woman's club would have 
some things to discuss in private, that it would not 
care to discuss before the public in general. But as 
time went on and events developed, I had good reason 
to believe they were discussing the advisability of en- 
tering the political arena, as most of the club women 
in Colorado have done. 

A few weeks after the organization of the woman 's 
club, and after they had met a few times, there was 
to be a grand rally over at Pokerville, and everything 
that could yell, was expected to attend, but I had not 
thought of Maria going, for I had never heard her 
yell but once and that was when a wild steer was 
after me and she thought I would be killed. But the 
day before the time set for the great meet, when I 
spoke of going over to Pokerville, the next day, to be 
present at the Democrat-Populist-Socialist-16-to-one 
love feast, Maria said she believed she would go too, 
and she thought Sam Snow's sister-in-law would like 
to go with us if I had no objection. 

Now, Maria knew very well that I would offer no 
objection to Sam's sister-in-law going with us, for she 
was about as good a talker as Maria was, and th.'t 
was saying a good deal, and she wasn't bad looking, 
either. 

But what surprised me, was their intention of 
going at all, for I had never known either of them 
to attend a political meeting, or anything else, where 
there was much whooping and hurrahing going on. 

But we went and had a great time, and while 
Maria and Sam's sister-in-law seemed to enjoy the 
racket, to a certain extent, they didn't get loud and 



16 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

demonstrative very extensively, like many of the others 
and their conduct was quite satisfactory to me. 

Sam's sister-in-law didn't return with us, as it 
was her intention to stop in town with some friends 
a few days, and she had a beau then, who was going 
to bring her home, when she got ready to come, and 
Maria thought there was some prospect of her getting 
married, for they had a peculiar way of looking at 
each other, and when they were walking along, they 
were generally holding hands. But she didn't get 
married and maybe, it was for the best, for she was 
one of the finest bachelor girls I ever saw, and I 
should have felt very badly to have seen her tied up 
to some fellow who was not worthy of her love. T 
hold that any woman is better off unmarried, than 
tied up with a man who is not a congenial companion, 
or one who cannot or will not provide her a respecta- 
ble living, and I think that is what Sam's sister-in- 
law thinks too, for I'm sure she has had fairly good 
chances to marry, but is yet single. 

Now. I'm not going into detail very much, in re- 
lation to the stirring events that marked the notable 
campaign of 1896, for we — that is — Maria and Sam's 
sister-in-law, didn't get very active that year, though 
they acted a little, just about enough for good exer- 
lise, and to take notes, apparently, for what might 
follow, though I made a few speeches and did some 
other talking. They seemed to be taking observations. 
and I think that was the most consistent manner in 
which they could have spent their time, anyway, 
as there was no question about the Democrats 
carrying the State of Colorado that year. Of 
course, Maria and Sam's sister-in-law and I, all voted 



1 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 17 

for Mr. Bryan, and I made it a point to see that he 
got a respectable majority. 

But it is the events of four years later, when 
Maria, Sam Snow's sister-in-law and I started the 
new party, that I'm going to write-up, for if I do not, 
just like as not, it will never be written, and our pos- 
terity in coming generations, will never know that 
such a party ever existed. 

After failing to elect our man in 1896, most of 
the Republicans went back to their old party, when 
they could without causing too much suspicion, and 
the Populists and all that other stuff, scattered about 
most anywhere, if they saw a chance for good 
picking, or where they could raise a racket, so when 
the campaign of 1900 came around, it found our gang 
pretty badly disorganized and in poor shape for active 
duty. 

I will now have to close for this time, but will 
write to you again before long, and tell you how 
Maria, Sam's sister-in-law and I started a new party, 
and some other things, and there are a lot of other 
things happening right along over here now. 
From your friends, 
. JACOB SHORT AND MARIA. 



3 8 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER II. 

CALL FOR THE FIRST CONVENTION. 

On the Ranch, Sept. 9. 
Special to The Pokerville Record. 

I am as well as could be expected, and so is Maria, 
and Sam Snow's sister-in-law and the children, and 
hope that when these few lines reach you, they will 
find, you and your family and the readers of The 
Record enjoying the same blessing. 

Now, as I told you at the close of my other letter, 
it is my intention to skip over the most of those 
straggling years between 1896 and 1900. "When about 
half of the people of Colorado were at sea, figura- 
tively speaking, and the other half were trying to 
explain how it happened, and new parties were con- 
tinually springing up, and the old ones were dividing 
and sub-dividing, until there were so many candi- 
dates in the field, when an election came on, that it 
took a ticket about the size of a bed-quilt to hold 
their names. In fact, almost everyone, who could 
write his or her name, was a candidate on some ticket. 
It seemed the women had caught onto the situation, 
and were playing it for all there was in sight. They 
were going to make up for the dark ages, previous to 
1892, while they were kept in bondage. 

When, in 1900, the new, from Kansas City reached 
Pokerville, stating that Mr. Bryan was again nomi- 
nated, and the Democratic Convention had dropped 
the silver question, and made "Imperialism" the 
"Paramount issue," I thought we had now, sure, 
caught the Republicans in a trap, where it would be 
impossible for them to explain out, and that's what 
I told Maria and Sam's sister-in-law, and while Sam's 



THE COLORADO SITUATION lb 

sister-in-law was inclined to agree with me. Maria 
seemed to think different. She thought the Democrats 
didn't have get-up enough about them to catch any- 
thing, unless it was something that was behind time. 

Now, when Maria objected to going over to the 
Democrats with me again, I said, "Well, what are we 
going to do ? I have been a Republican three times, 
a Democrat twice, a Populist once and once catch-as- 
cateh-can." Then, says I ; "Of course, one can re- 
main a Democrat indefiinitely, or go in and out at his 
pleasure, and there won't be any questions asked, 
nor much expected of him, but I don't want to be 
sticking to a party that cannot elect anyone. But the 
Democrat plan looks good to me this time, for the peo- 
ple are terribly set against imperialism or anything 
of that sort." 

When I had said everything I could think of, that 
I thought would have any effect, and couldn't think 
of anything else and stopped, Maria hesitated a spell, 
then she looked up and said, ' ' Jacob ! " As soon as she 
said "Jacob" I knew she had something more than 
ordinary on her mind, as she always calls me "Jake," 
for short, except when she is quite serious. So I 
answered and said, "What is it, Maria V And she 
said, "Jacob, let's start a new party." Now, George, 
I wouldn't have been a bit more surprised if 1 had 
been kicked by a mule, than I was when she said, 
"Let's start a new party." 

I didn't see what she could be driving at, and 1 
said to her, "Oh, Lord; Maria, there are more parties 
now, than there are people, and I don't see how we 
could possibly start another one." But she said that 
was all right, as she had been looking about a little, 
and believed there was plenty of room for another 



20 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

party, if one knew how to start it and keep it going. 
Then I asked her, "Who will do it, Maria?" and she 
said, "You and I." 

Now, if any difference, that was the worst surprise 
I had had yet, and it took me longer to recover, but 
I finally spunked up and said, "How will we do it, 
Maria?" Then she lit in in earnest, and I could see 
she was catching onto the Colorado situation for all it 
was worth, and she said, "We will first appoint a time 
Cor a meeting, and then we will make a platform, and 
nominate officers, and take up a collection for cam- 
paign purposes, and send out political documents and 
speakers, and whoop everything up in general, and do 
just like others do, when they want to start a new 
party, or keep an old one going." 

Now, you see I saw I was getting into politics a 
little more than I had been calculating on, and when 
it came to starting a new party, I wasn't so sure about 
it, though I was sun in helping to run an old one. 
Rut I had a good deal of confidence in Maria, and felt 
sure she would not undertake a thing, without first 
having studied it out carefully. 

I knew she had an idea, that was in some manner, 
different from the others, or it wouldn't be worth 
while to start a party in opposition to them, but it was 
a guess as to what the idea was, and, for the life of me, 
I couldn't see why she wanted to start another party, 
when the Democrats and Populists and Socialists were 
making such liberal offers, and I told her so, but she 
said, "Let's start a new party and make more liberal 
offers than they are making," but I couldn't see how 
we were going to do that, without overdoing the thing 
to such a degree as to cause suspicion, but she said I 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 21 

needn't bother my head about causing suspicion by 
making liberal offers. 

She said she didn't think it was much trouble to 
start a new party, anyway, as all one had to do, was 
to tell the people how they were being downtrodden 
by the trusts and the government, and that the rich 
were getting richer and the poor, poorer, and if they 
would join our party, we would change things so 
that everybody would have about all the money he 
wanted, and wouldn't have to work much either. 

• "Now," said she, after she had been putting up 
a talk on general principles, without speaking of any 
particular plan, "I'll tell you what you do: to-mor- 
row morning, as soon as you get your work done up, 
go over to Bill Riley's, Ben White's, Abe Crosby's, 
Sam Snow's, Pete Benson's, Carl Snider 's, and as 
many other places as you have time, and tell them 
we are going to start a new party." "But," says I, 
"those fellows already belong to a party." "So do 
you." says she, "belong to several of them, but you 
are everlastingly trying to get out and into others, 
and maybe, they will be wanting to do the same 
thing. Now, go and do as I tell you, and you will 
find they will be in for it, if you tell them you have 
a new plan by which they can get about all the money 
they want. 

While Maria was telling me what to do, there was 
a twinkle in her eye, that I did not understand, but 
I thought, most likely, it was caused by the importance 
of the undertaking, and I concluded to do as she said, 
for I couldn't see what harm it could do, though I 
didn't have much hopes of its success. 

So the next morning I started out, and went over 
to Jake Pace 's first. Jake is a real nice fellow and 



22 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

they have nine children, besides his sister, who is an 
old maid, and lives with them, not counting his wife, 
and four of them are boys and five girls, besides a 
man who stayed there and worked for his board, and 
wasn't hardly worth that, so I just up and told them 
all, that we were going to start a new party that 
would beat anything in Missouri, and they asked 
"How will you do it?" 

, Then I lit in and told them we were going to corn 
all the gold and silver we could get, at whatever ratio 
the people wanted, and that we would close all the 
banks, and issue the money direct to the people, and 
we would keep on issuing it, till we got enough, and 
that we would sure make everything boom, and those 
who came into the party first, would get the best 
offices, and that we would meet at our house on Friday 
evening, at seven o'clock, by early lamp-light, or half 
past, and they said they would come down a spell; 
then I went over to Sam Snow's. 

Sam is one of the best fellows in the country, and 
he had six children, a span of mules, some pigs and 
other stock. He was a Republican, then, but his wife 
was a Methodist, and I don't .think the mules belonged 
to any denomination, from the way they kicked, so 
you see I lit in and told them the same as I had Jake's, 
and they said they would come if it didn't rain; then 
I went over to Bill Riley's. 

Bill is an Irishman and his wife is a Dutchman, 
but I think the children are Swedes. They are all 
girls and bovs, except Bill and his wife and the hired 
man. Bill has red hair and his wife wears spectacles 
and talks Dutch sc I ups and told them the same as 
I had Sam's, and they said they would come; then 
I went over to Ike Jones'. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 2S 

Ike's had no children then, but they had been 
married about six months, and had some chickens, 
some pigs and a fresh cow. Ike was a Populist, but 
I don't know to what denomination his wife belonged, 
so I told them the same as I had Bill's, and they said 
they would come if his wife was able ; then I went 
down to Ben White's. 

Ben lives about a mile and a half from us, in a 
house that is built of logs and covered with dried 
mud, and his wife's name is Hannah. They had come 
from Kansas four years before that, in potato-diggina' 
time, and they had seven children, five dogs and some 
other things, and Ben's oldest girl is named Sarah 
Ann. She is sixteen, now, and I think she will have 
a beau before long, because she is almost as tall as 
her mother, so you see I lit in and told them the same 
as I had Ike 's, and they said they would come ■ then 
I went to Abe Crosby's. 

Abe is one of the best fellows that ever rode 9 
broncho, and he has a glass eye. His wife is named 
Susan, and she has three sisters, two brothers, a father 
and a mother, besides several aunts and cousins ana 
a lot of children, so I told them the same as I had 
Ben's, and they said they would be there when the 
ball opened; then I went to Pete Benson's. 

Pete can swear in three languages, and he has a 
wooden leg, and most of the family appear to be 
crippled somewhere. They had six children then, and 
one of them had asthma, and one had the whooping- 
cough, and one had the measles, and Pete's wife had 
the rheumatism, and Pete was a somnambulist, and 
one night he dreamed hp was the Wild Man from 
Borneo, and that a big boa constrictor was going to 
swallow him, and he got scared and jumped out of 



24 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

bed and fell over a chair and broke his wooden leg, 
but the balance of the family were so as to be able 
to get about, so you see I told them the same as I had 
Abe -s, as how we were going to make things boom, and 
they said they would come down if they were alive 
and able to walk, for they said they were very much 
in need, and hoped I would succeed in my undertak- 
ing; then I went to Carl Snider 's. 

Carl is a Dutchman and so is his wife and all the 
children. I don't iike him so very much, both on ac- 
count of himself, and also his goats. It was 
just like this : One day I was going across 
one of his fields, when, all at once, kersmash! 
It was sometime before I could realize where 
I was, then I raised up and looked about 
and there stood one of Carl's old goats; the one he 
calls Kaiser. I was not far from the fence, so I crawled 
to it and crept through a crack, instead of getting up. 
as the goat expected me to do, so that he could practice 
on me some more. I had often read in history about 
battering rams, and how powerful they were, but I 
had never realized the real meaning of the term, until 
that goat hit me, and it was several days before I 
could sit down without — well, without thinking of that 
goat, so I told Carl that we were going to start a new 
party that would beat anything he ever saw in the 
old country, and asked him to come down, and he 
said, ' ' I vill pe dere py sheminy, ' ' then it was about 
supper time, and I went home and told Maria what 
I had done, and she was pleased half to death and said 
I had made a very good start. She said I was like a 
spring chicken that was hatched in the fall and didn 't 
get a good start of feathers till the next season, and 
that she always knew I would be the founder of some 



26 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

great organization or institution, if I didn't meet with 
an accident. 

I tell you, George, it does a fellow good to have 
his wife brag on him, and it pays to keep her in good 
humor. If she is out of humor, everything appears to 
go wrong, and the victuals don 't taste good. And, say, 
George: don't you think one ought to be about as 
polite to his own wife, as he is to other men's wives 
I have often thought of that, and thought that, maybe, 
if he would, she would not grow old so rapidly, and 
wish she had stayed at home with her father and 
mother, instead of getting married. Sometimes we 
see a man who will take off his hat and bow and scrape 
about and try to put on more airs than a bobtailed 
peacock, when he meets another man's wife, but he 
never has a bow or smile or kind word for his own 
wife, and don't treat her with much more respect 
than if she were the old cow, and still, he wonders why 
she isn't happy. 

Now, I got clear off the subject and onto something 
else, didn't I? Maria says that is one of my worst 
faults. She says I am too apt to start into something, 
but not apt enough to carry it through. 

I will now have to close for this time, but in my 
next, I will tell you about the convention that met at 
our house, and what a great time we had. 

JACOB SHOKT. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 27 

CHAPTER III. 

TEE FIRST MEETING. 

On the Ranch, Sept. 16. 
Special to the Record : 

I set myself down again and take up my pen in 
hand, to let you know how we are, and tell you about 
the convention. We are all well, except Tom, our 
oldest boy, who took the measles at school the other 
day, and the baby, who is cutting teeth, and the 
teacher sent him home for fear that the other scholars 
would take them, and hope that this may find you the 
same, and now I will tell you about the convention, 
the proceedings of which, I think, have never been 
written up before, and may never be again, but 
our deliberations, and some of the speeches that 
were deliver on that momentous occasion, will be high- 
ly prized by our descendants in coming generations. 

It was on Wednesday I notified the people, and I 
thought I would go and notify some more of them on 
Thursday, but Maria said it would not be necessary, 
as I had already done enough to give the thing a start, 
and that was all, she thought, one need do, as those 
whom I had notified would scatter the news, and we 
would better be getting ready for the convention, as. 
they would expect me to run the thing after 
starting it, and I would have to be very careful what 
I did, or some one would pick a flaw in me. She said 
it would be quite different from raising potatoes arid 
rounding up steers, and I ought to use some big words, 
and if I could use some that the people did not un- 
derstand, it would be all the better, and she thought 
I should use we, our, and us, instead of I, my, and me. 

So we talked the question over carefully, and spent 



28 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Thursday and most of Friday, with our wife, learn- 
ing and practicing on a speech we were to deliver on 
the assembling of the convention, then our wife said 
we would do 

-After we got our work done up on Friday evening, 
and it was almost time for the delegates to arrive, we 
thought we would better be getting ready to receive 
them, and we wanted to look as well as possible, so 
as to make the better impression, for appearances go 
a long way, sometimes, so we asked our wife what 
we would better wear for the evening, as we always 
made it a point- to get her assistance, when we wanted 
to appear well, and she said we would better wear our 
dark pants and light coat and vest, the suit we had 
gotten the year before, when we went over to Denver 
to attend the festival of Mountain and Plain, and our 
red neck-tie. Maria always did seem proud of us when 
we had this suit on, and, if we do say it ourself, we 
did look quite swell. We think the pantaloons were 
of the Prince Albert style, and suppose the coat and 
vest must have corresponded. 

By half past seven the people began to arrive, and 
by eight the house was full. The news had scattered, 
sure enough, just as our wife said it would. We didn't 
have chairs enough for all of them, and had to make 
seats out of boards, or anything else we could get, then 
some of them had to stand up on the floor. It would 
take too long to tell all their names, and some we 
didn't know, but our wife counted them and said there 
were 28 men, 17 boys, 9 girls and 18 female women, 
not counting us and our wife and Sam Snow's sister- 
in-law. 

So after we had seated as many as possible, and 
the others had fixed themselves around against the 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 2!) 

wall, and had talked sometime about the weather and 
the crops and the probable price of steers, and what 
the president and congress ought to do, and couldn't 
think of anything we hadn't said over three or four 
times, we thought the time had come to launch the 
new party, so we got down off our seat and stood on 
the floor and said: 

"Ladies, gentlemen, and fellow citizens, we have 
met here, this evening, in an auspicious time, for the 
purpose of discussing a momentious cause. You may 
search the annals of history, from the earliest dawn 
of creation, or civilization, or Noah's inundation, and 
we defy you or any other man, to point out a page in 
the past, even in the histories of the dark ages, when 
greed, trusts, and capitalistic domination rode rough- 
shod, o'er the naked bodies and emaciated forms of 
down-trodden humanity, as they are doing at the pres- 
ent time." (applause.) 

Now, we were not expecting them to applaud at 
this point, but we saw it was just like our wife told us 
it would be. She said if we wished to please the peo- 
ple, and make a hit, we must tell them how they had 
been wronged, and what a terrible time they were hav- 
ing, and find as much fault as possible with other par- 
ties, and especially, the one that was in power. She 
said there was no trouble in finding fault with any- 
thing, no difference how good it was, if one knew just 
how to fix it up, and tell it just right. She says there 
is more in the telling, than in the thing itself, and we 
guess that was the reason she had us practice on the 
manner of delivery, before the convention met. She 
said that in a case like the one we had on hand then, 
the speaker should start out very solemn and sancti- 
monious, as if a murder had just been committed, and 



30 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

he was making arrangements to bury the victim and 
hang the murderer, and she supposed the members of 
the new party, would have to be considered the vic- 
tims. 

So after they had applauded quite brisk for a spell 
and then settled down, we took a sup of water and 
cleared our throat, like we had seen some of the big 
speakers do, and braced ourselves and continued and 
said : 

"Friends and neighbors, 'lend us your ears,' while 
we enumerate the calamities under which you are now 
laboring, and the ones you are destined to endurt 
through coming generations, unless there is a change. 
Our country is filled with all the necessaries of life — 
yea, even the comforts and luxuries — and our granar- 
ies and factories and warehouses are overflowing with 
enormous stores of goods, seeking a market, and at the 
same time, tens of thousands of willing and indus- 
trious men and women are walking up and down the 
country begging for an opportunity to earn a living, 
but their pleas and lamentations go unheeded, and 
their burdens are increased, while the rich nabobs of 
millions, ride o'er the country in their palace cars 
and do pretty much as they darn please." 

At this point we expected everybody to look sorry, 
and thought that, most likely, some of the women 
folks would cry, but they didn 't, and the whole gang 
of them, except our wife and Carl Snider and Sam's 
sister-in-law, got down off their seats and stood on 
the floor and yelled like mad. It just beat the nation 
how happy they were, when they found out what a 
hard time they were having. 

One thing that began to annoy us a little about 
this time, was the way our wife was taking things. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 3i 

She didn't cheer and yell like some of them, but she 
laughed till we were afraid she would hurt herself. 
She couldn't have enjoyed herself better if she had 
been at a circus, and Carl Snider smiled in Dutch and 
said, "Vel, py tarn." 

When our wife and we were fixing up the speech, 
we told her we did not know how it would work now, 
as about every one who wanted work, could get it, 
and there weren't many idle men walking up and 
down the country, like there were during the last 
Democratic administration, but she said that wouldn't 
make any difference, and the only thing necessary, 
was to tell the people how they Avere wronged by the 
government, and that we were going to make money- 
plenty, then get up some kind of a platform — just 
any old thing that sounded well — then a "paramount 
issue," as that was something Ave Avould have to have, 
to shake in the other felloAv's face, Avhen he got too 
gay, and Ave would have no trouble in finding people 
who AA T ould go in with us. 

Then AA r e asked her Avhat a "paramount issue" 
Avas, and she said it Avas the best thing Ave could find, 
that the other felloAvs had not taken. But she said 
Ave must not bother our head about the meaning of 
definitions and big Avorcls, but just go ahead and use 
them, as that Avas the Avay they all did, Avhen they 
were arguing politics, and if some one should ask us 
the meaning of a Avord, just make light of him, and 
say, "HaA T e you lived in this country all these years 
— a land of free schools and free education, and don't 
knoAV the meaning of your OAvn language?" then he 
will feel ashamed of himself and Avish he had kept 
still, and the people will applaud you at his expense. 
It Avas plain to be seen that Maria had taken quite a 



32 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

good many notes in the last four years, since sh^ 
joined the women's club and started into politics. 

After they quit yelling and got back upon their 
seats, we continued and went on and said, "There 
was a time when things were different. Look back, 
my countrymen, at the days of Jefferson and Jack- 
son and Lincoln and compare their illustrous states- 
manship and glorious deeds with the statesmen of the 
present. Then the laborer had a chance for his life; 
a chance to provide for his companion and little ones, 
who were entrusted to his keeping, and his rights 
were respected. Do you suppose that if those heroes 
of the people were, to-day, steering the old ship of 
state, it would be in the condition we now find it"" 
At this point there cries of "No! No!" and a few- 
yelled. 

Then we continued and said: "Ladies and gen- 
tlemen, the time has arrived for a change, and if we 
put our heads and hearts and shoulders together, it 
is not far distant. What we want is money, and we 
are going to have it, if we have to coin everything 
that is coinable, and we will close the banks and issue 
the money direct to the people, and we will restore 
the money of the constitution — gold and silver — at the 
ration of '16-to-l.' " 

At this point we were almost frightened, for they 
jumped down off their seats and yelled worse than a 
gang of coyotes, and our wife laughed so hard we 
were afraid she would burst a blood-vessel. Things 
appeared to be working all right, if not too much so, 
and the audience was getting so worked up that we 
were afraid we couldn't get them down to business 
when the proper time arrived, but there wasn't no 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 33 

way out of it then, as we could see, but to let them 
hollow it out. But by-and-by, they did quiet down 
and we went on and said: 

"We have met here to-night, as free-born Ameri- 
can citizens, to discuss our miseries and make our 
wants known, and see what is the best thing to do. 
Are we going in with the Republicans, or are we go- 
ing to go in with the Democrats, or are we going to 
start a new party, for there is no use to stick to the 
Populists or Socialists any longer, as there is not 
enough of them to stick to. And now, ladies and gen- 
tlemen, having presented the case to your thoughtful 
consideration, the first thing in order will be the elec- 
tion of a chairman for the evening. 

We then took our seat, but we hadn't much more 
than took it till some one put us in nomination for 
chairman, and as there was no other nomination, Sam 
Snow's sister-in-law suggested we be elected by ac- 
clamation, and there being no objection, she put the 
question, and we were elected unanimous. 

We then got down off our seat and thanked them 
for the great honor conferred on us, and, with their 
forbearance, we hoped to be able to perform the 
duties imposed on us, and now the next thing in 
order would be the election of a secretary. Some oae 
nominated Sam Snow's sister-in-law, and there being 
no other nominations, we put the question and she 
was elected just as we had been. She came up and 
took her seat and spread herself out for business, and 
then we said: "Ladies and gentlemen, the conven- 
tion is now organized; what is your pleasure?" 

Now, this was the most critical moment we had 
struck, for there were Democrats and Republicans 



34 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

and Populists and Socialists and " Middle-of -the- 
Roaders" and "Way-Siders" and Seventh-day Ad- 
vents and jumpers and goodness only knew how many 
other tribes represented in the audience, not counting 
our wife, Carl Snider and Sam's sister-in-law, and it 
would be pretty difficult to find much fault with any- 
thing, and not hit some one. 

, So we sat there awhile, and about the time we 
thought there was a probability that things would 
not come out as Maria had predicted, Bill Riley, who 
was a Democrat, got down off his seat and stood on 
the floor, and after hesitating a spell, till he got his 
tobacco back in the corner of his mouth, where it 
would be out of danger and not get disturbed while 
he was talking, began and said: 

"Mr. chairman, ladies and gentlemen, I do not 
see why we should start any more parties, as there 
are already more than there are offices for, and I 
don't think we need any more, as the old Democrat 
party is good enough. Where would the country be 
to-day ; if it had not been for the Democrats'? Wasn't 
Jefferson a Democrat, wasn't Jackson a Democrat, 
and isn't Grover Cleveland a Democrat?" At this 
point some one in the audience hollered, "Rats," and 
the speaker paused a moment, but soon recovered and 
said: 

"The old Democrat party is the one you can tie to 
every time; it is the party of free trade, which will 
make everything so cheap that one can buy what he 
wants for about half price. We, the Democrats, be- 
lieve in throwing the markets open to the world, and 
we also believe in the free and unlimited coinage of 
silver. With free trade and free silver, everything 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 35 

would double in value in less than six months." At 
this point, Jake Smith spoke up and asked Bill how, 
if he had free trade and free silver, everything could 
sell for half price and double in value at the same 
time. Bill saw he had got his foot in it, and must get 
out some way, so he said, "Oh, that's all right, young 
man; when you have studied politics as much as I 
have, you will have learned not to ask such ques- 
tions"; then he went on with his speech and said: 

"With free trade and the free and unlimited 
coinage of silver at the ratio of 16-to-l, and Mr. 
Bryan, the unparalled statesman and silver-tongued 
'orator of the Piatt,' steering the old ship of state, 
Colorado would be the garden of the earth, and her 
valleys and mountain-sides and sloping plains, would 
bloom as the rose, and her homes would be a per- 
petual Eden. A paradise in the Rockies." 

It was now plain to us that Bill was going to 
spread it on pretty thick in favor of the Democrats, 
and that he had no intention of helping start a new 
party. But at this point some one asked him what he 
meant by free and unlimited coinage of silver, at 16 
to one, and he said it meant that there must be six- 
teen silver dollars for each gold dollar, and they were 
to be free to the first fellow who could get them. 

Then Bill went on with his speech and said: 

"Look at the trusts and monopolies that have 
sprung up in the last four years. They didn't do so 
in Cleveland's administration." Then Jake Smith 
spoke up again and asked Bill if he knew of anything 
that did spring up during Cleveland's administration, 
unless it was Cleveland himself. Bill didn't seem to 
want to answer this question, and said he hoped the 



36 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

chair would see that he was not interrupted again, so 
we requested them to let the speaker proceed with- 
out interruption. Then Bill continued and said: 

"All the laws the Republicans have passed, are 
in favor of the rich and against the poor, and the 
rich are growing richer and the poor, poorer. Mr. 
chairman, I am a Democrat, but of course, if I should 
find something better, I would not mind taking it in. ' ' 
Then he got up on his seat. 

Now, we could see Bill was no fool, if he was an 
Irishman, and he had an eye to business. He was 
leaving an opening so that he could come in if the 
party got a good start and suited him. 

After Bill got through with his speech and got 
up on his seat, Sam Snow got down and stood on the 
floor. Sam was a Republican, and got down to make 
a speech against Bill. Sam and Bill don't get along 
as well as they might, both on account of politics and 
also adjoining farms. They had a lawsuit up at the 
court-house the fall before that, about Bill's pigs, and 
Sam's potatoes. It was just like this: 

They have a line fence between them, and one end 
is Sam's and the other Bill's, and each one is to look 
after his end and see that it is kept up all right. Bill 's 
pigs got through the fence and rooted up some of 
Sam's potatoes, and Sam wanted Bill to pay for the 
potatoes, for he said the pigs got through Bill's end, 
and Bill said, blasted if he would, for the pigs got 
through Sam's end. So they fell out and took it into 
court to find out whose end the pigs got through, and 
after they had lawed three or four days, and the 
jury had gone out and looked at the fence, they de- 
cided it would be difficult to decide, as both ends had 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 37 

big cracks in them, and the best thing they could do 
would be to drop the case and each one pay half of 
the cost. So it was decided that way, and Bill gave 
the pigs to his lawyer for attending to his end, and 
Sam dug his potatoes and gave them to his lawyer 
for attending to his end, so Sam got down off of his 
seat and stood on the floor to make a speech against 
Bill and the Democrats. So after Sam stood a little 
while, he began and said: 

"Mr. chairman, I can not see that we are in debt 
to the Democracy on account of having done any- 
thing good for the country in the last forty years. 
There are a lot of good Democrcats, when taken in- 
dividually, but when taken as a whole, they are a 
tough set. Horace Greely once remarked that all 
Democrats were not horse-thieves, but about all the 
horse-thieves were Democrats, and after that, the 
Democracy nominated him for president, so they must 
have thought his head was pretty level. 

' ' Every law, of any consequence, that has been 
passed by the Republicans, has been opposed by the 
Democrats, but after it becomes law they almost in- 
variably admit it is a good thing. The same may be 
said of the great Republican statesmen; while they 
are alive and making history, the Democrats call them 
all the bad names they can think of, but after they 
have filled their mission in life, and become a part of 
history, this old moss-backed Democracy, will tell 
what great and good men they were. 

"Mr. chairman, it is not my intention to refer to 
unpleasant things in connection with the past; but I 
want to refresh the memory of the gentleman who 
preceded me, and made such an able effort to defend 



38 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

a defunct organization. What did the Democracy do 
in 1861, when they failed to elect their man? Why, 
they tried to break up the union, and they stole about 
all of Uncle Sam's arms and ammunition, and every- 
thing else that they could carry Off, and if it hadn't 
been for Father Abraham, there is no telling what 
they would have done, and while we are glad to ad- 
mit that there were lots of good Democrats, who 
united with the Republicans to catch the thieves and 
bring back the stolen goods, every thief was a Demo- 
crat, and this same Father Abraham, who gave his 
life as a sacrifice for his fellowmen, was the worst 
abused man, by the Democracy, that the country ever 
produced, and now, they quote him from the hills and 
the house-tops, as an example of all that is great, and 
noble, and good. 

"In 1892, the Democratic campaign cry was: 
'Let's turn the rascals out and have a change.' They 
elect their man and both houses of congress, and the 
whole country got the change, but it was just about 
such a change as the Israelites got in the days of 
Samuel when they cried out for a king, and the 
Democracy have gotten about as sick of the change 
as the Israelites did of the king. 

"But now the grand old Republican party has 
been restored to its proper place, and who can be so 
blind as not to see results'? The joyous shouts of the 
little ones, are heard again, and the mother's face 
beams with the smile of prosperity. The washing- 
board has been relegated from the family, as a de- 
funct Democratic necessity, and its dull thuds have 
been replaced by the sweet harmonies of the organ 
and the piano. Prosperity reigns from one end of our 
land to the other, and the only man who is dissatisfied 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 39 

is the old croker, who believes in progressing back- 
ward, crawfish style." Then Sam got up on his seat 
and we felt pretty blue about the prospect of start 
ing a new party, but our wife didn't appear to be a 
bit discouraged. 

The women being allowed to vote in Colorado, has 
had a queer effect on politics, and the very thing one 
would naturally expect them to do, is the thing that 
they will not do, and what one would expect them not 
to do, is the thing they will do. Their voting and hold- 
ing office, has had about the same effect on men, that 
the applying of electricity, has had on horses, and 
some think that if they ever get to voting and run- 
ning things all over the country, as they do in Colo- 
rado, they would want to use men about as they do 
horses. 

I will now have to bring my letter to a close, but 
will write to you again as soon as I can. 

From your friend, JACOB SHORT, 
Who was Chairman of the Convention. 



40 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER IV. 

OUR WIFE, CARL SNIDER AND SAM SNOW'S 
SISTER-IN-LAW. 

On the Ranch, Sept. 22. 
Special to The Record. 

George, I thought I would have written to you 
again before this, but Maria has had some extra work 
to do in connection with the women's club, and I have 
had to do the housework most of the time for the last 
week, and take care of the baby, which has been quite 
cross on account of cutting teeth, which I told you 
about in my other letter. Maria is beginning to think 
the club is the greatest thing out, but I am afraid it 
is going to interfere with some of my plans. She is 
at home to-day, so I will get a little rest, and have 
time to tell you some more about the convention. 

So after Sam got through with his speech and got 
up on his seat, Ike Jones got down off of his seat and 
stood on the floor. He got down to make a speech 
against Bill and Sam, and in favor of the Populists. 
Ike is one of the greatest fellows to make calculations, 
that any one ever saw. He went into the chicken 
business, just before he joined the Populists, and had 
it figured out that he could clear five or six million 
dollars in a few years. He said he would get one 
hundred hens to start with, and each hen would raise 
two broods of chickens each year, and they would 
average ten chickens to the brood, so that would make 
two thousand chickens at the end of the year, not 
counting the old ones. 

Then, suppose the young ones were half hens and 
half roosters, he said he would sell nine hundred of the 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 41 

young roosters, also the old hens and the old roosters, 
and they would furnish him with enough money to 
run on the second year, and he would keep the one 
thousand young hens. 

From that way of reasoning, he would have one 
thousand hens to start in with at the beginning of the 
second year; ten thousand at the beginning of the 
third year ; one hundred thousand at the beginning of 
the fourth year, and one million at the beginning of 
the fifth year. Then he would raise 20-million that 
year, which would make 21-million, with what he had 
on hand, then he said he would sell out and quite the 
business, as he would have as much money as he 
wanted — about nine or ten million dollars. 

So he got his one hundred hens and started in to 
get rich quick, just like we thought we had done when 
we elected a Populist governor for Colorado, and he 
felt as if he were rich already, and he was almost 
afraid to speak of what he was going to do, for fear 
some one would get onto his racket, and he wondered 
why it was that no one had thought of it before. 

But it didn't turn out just as he had calculated. 
The coyotes caught some of his hens, and some of 
them got lousy and died, and some, after they went to 
setting, got to quarreling about which had the best 
nests, just like the fusion parties had been doing in 
Colorado, and broke each other's eggs, and a great 
many of the young ones died, because they were not 
properly cared for, so when Ike counted his chickens 
at the end of the year, he found he hadn 't as many as 
he had when he started, then he got mad and joined 
the Populists. So he got down and stood on the floor 
to make a Populist speech. 



42 THE! COLORADO SITUATION 

After he had run his fingers through his whiskers 
a few times, and got one leg twisted around the other, 
as if making ready to climb himself, he began and 
said: 

"Mr. chairman, what Bill and Sam have been say- 
ing about each other's parties, is about correct, for 
they are both as corrupt as sin. These two parties have 
had control of the government from the days of Jack- 
son down to the present, and have brought it to the 
verge of ruin as you behold it. ' ' 

At this point, Henry Smith asked Ike in what 
respect the country was on the verge of ruin, and Ike 
replied, "My friends, look at the want and devasta- 
tion all over the land. Look at the potato bugs in 
Colorado, the grass-hoppers in Kansas, the floods and 
earthquakes in many other places, not to mention the 
trusts and monopolies, that are sucking the life-blood 
of the people." Ike contended that all these plagues 
were brought on the people on account of their wick- 
edness, and he thought that by electing the Populist 
ticket, they could be stopped, and every one would be 
made happy. So he went right on with his speech and 
said: 

"Mr. chairman, we, the Populist, are going to 
work a great reform, if you all come in and help us. 
We are going to make everything plenty and cheap, 
and I will tell you how we are going to do it. In the 
first place, we will pass a free and unlimited coinage 
law, at some ratio, and if it doesn't suit us, we will 
change it till it does. Suppose we start out on the 
present law, of 16-to-l, and it does not give us as much 
money as we want, then we will call in all the gold 
money, and recoin it at half its present size, thus 
making twice as many gold dollars as we previously 




'We, the Populists, will work a Great Reform. 



44 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

had, and leaving the same number of silver dollars. 
Then, if that did not give us as much money as we 
wanted, we would call in the silver and re-coin it at 
half its present size, and double our silver money. ' ' 

You ought to have seen the people's eyes bug out 
when Ike was telling how easy it was to make money. 
Some of them had been working on prospect holes fpr 
years, trying to find gold, but had not made a nickle. 
Some others, who had been ranching, had scarcely 
made a living, and now they saw there was no need 
of all that labor and worry, if we had the right kind 
of ]aws. Then, all one would have to do, would be to 
get a small amount of gold or silver, or both, and have 
it cut up into little dollars, and he would be rich 
almost before he knew it. Ike's speech was making 
quite a hit, and they applauded him a spell. Then Ike 
continued again and said : 

"Mr. chairman, we are not going to stop at gold 
and silver; we are going to issue paper money, and 
as much of it as the people want." Then Bob Smith, 
Henry Smith's cousin, spoke up and asked Ike what 
he was going to base his paper money on, and Ike re- 
plied, "On a promise to pay." "To pay in what," 
asked Bob. "To pay in other money," replied Ike 
"Then you would pay off one government note, with 
another of the same kind, would yon?" asked Bob. 
"Yes," replied Ike. Bob didn't make any reply to 
this, but he and Ike looked at each other, as if each 
thought the other must be crippled somewhere. 

It appears that almost every one likes to be tola 
the thing he wants to hear, so when Ike told how easy 
it was to make paper money, the plan looked so simple 
that it caught them on the spot. What was the use of 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 45 

going to so much trouble and worry to get gold to 
redeem the paper with, when other paper of the same 
kind would do just as well ? After making a few more 
remarks about the beauties of Populism, Ike closed 
and got up on his seat, and the chances for the new 
party were growing slimmer and slimmer. It appeared 
that everyone had come to fight for his old party, or 
fight each other, and we were getting quite worried, 
but our wife was as cheerful as ever; she seemed to 
enjoy the racket. 

After Ike got through with his speech and got up 
on his seat, Carl Snider, the Dutchman, got off of his 
seat and stood on the floor. He got off to make a 
speech against Ike and the Populists. Carl and Ike are 
not very good friends, both on account of Carl's dog, 
and Ike's wife's little brother. It was just like this : 

Ike's wife has a little brother who lives with them., 
and one day Ike's wife sent her little brother over to 
Carl's to borrow some yeast to raise her bread. Carl 
has a cross dog, and Carl's cross dog bit Ike's wife's 
little brother in his calf, and hurt him so badly that 
he bawled all the way home, and that made Ike mad, 
and he said he would go over and plaster up Carl's 
eyes and kill the dog, but he changed his mind before 
he got there, for Carl weighs about 250 pounds, and 
Ike is a little fellow. But they talked it over, and 
Carl promised it would not happen again, and Ike 
says if it does, he will sue Carl for breach of promise. 

Carl is awfully Dutch, and is apt to get the two 
languages mixed, and when he gets excited, he talks 
all over. He does most of his swearing in German, 
and it seemed to do him good. German is a language 
we do not understand, nor neither does our wife* but 



46 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

we wish we did, then she could not tell what we werb 
saying, when something went wrong. Most likely it is 
pretty difficult to learn, but when one understands it 
well, it is the quickest language in the world, for he 
can talk to his whole family at once, and they can 
all talk back at the same time, and in that way, they 
can tell about all they know in almost less than no 
time, and when one gets through, they are all through, 
and' can go to bed at early lamp -light, instead of hav- 
ing to sit up half of the night, listening to one talk- 
ing at a time. 

Carl left the Republican in 1892, and joined the 
Democrats and Populists, because they told him if 
they elected their men, prices would come up all along 
the line. 

So he got down off of his seat and stood on the 
floor and said: "Mr. shairman, in 1892, der dimocrat 
und bopulix boliticians koom to me und da za, 'Carl, 
you vote mit us, und you vill hef all der moneys you, 
vants right avay off.' Und day za, 'Carl, der Repub- 
licans hef bulled der vool offer mit your eye alreaty, 
und da hef zwindled you, py tarn, put if you vote 
mit us, you vill get der pig brice for your vool, und 
your grain und your kertofel, und for ebery ting vat 
you hef to zell. ' So I vote mit dem und da vos elected, 
put der grains didn't zell for der pig brice pooty 
gwick, und der kertofel didn't zell pooyt qwick, und 
der vool got sheeper and sheeper. 

"Den I vent to der Dimocrat und Bopulix boli- 
ticians, und I za, 'Vy not der grains und odder dings 
zell for der pig monies % ' und da za, ' Oh, Carl, zhoost 
vait some a leetle, till ve gets schtraightened out, den 
ebery tings vill pe zhoost so nice as a vool-pickin'. S«» 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 47 

I vate and vate and vate, but tings vootened zell, und 
der man mit der mortgage, koom und dakes apout 
half of mine varms." 

Then Carl continued and said : 

"In 1896, der Dimocrat and Bopulix boliticians 
koom to me an udder gen, und do za, ' Carl, you zhoost 
vote mit us von more dime for Pilly Bryan und you vill 
hef more vree zilver as you can carry, put if you vote 
mit der Kepublicans, dings vill koom down more in 
brice nor da pe now, und der moneys vili al pe gone, 
und your vamilies vill hef to go to der poor house 
right avay off allreaty.' 

"So I vote mit Pilly Bryan und der Dimocrats und 
der Bopulixes, und ven der news koom out dot Mc- 
Kinley vos elected, I zed, Mine Got im himmel! now 
mine vrow und shillerns vill hef to schtarve.' But 
pooty zoon, in der little vile, da didn't schtarve. Den 
pooty zoon in an udder vile, der moneys got blentier 
nor da vos. Den, py-und-py, dings commence to coom 
up in brice, und effery vones hef soom dings to do. 
Den, in an udder little vile, ve hef moneys to pay off 
der mortgage on our varms, und py pack der land 
vot ve lost vile der Dimocrats und Bopulixes vos run- 
nen der government and smashen ebbery dings to der 
debble." 

Then Carl went on and said : 

"Some dime, a vile pack, mine leetle poy, Franz, 
koom to me und za, 'Pappy, you going to vote mit 
der Dimocrats and Bopulixes some more 1 ' und I za to 
him/ go avay. ' Den in a leetle vile, mine gal Katrina 
za, 'Pap, pe you going to vote mit Pilly Bryan V und 
I za, 'Katrina, you zhoost go avay.' Den py-und-py, 
mine zon Zhon he za to me, ' Fodder, pe you going to 



48 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

vote mit der Dimoerats dis year? ' Now, you see dot 
ting vos getting a leetle nracher nor I kood stoot al- 
ready, und I za to Zhon, 'Zhon, if you za Dimocrat 
of Bopulix or Pryan to me some more, I vill proke 
your head of er mit a club. ' Den I vas pooty hot right 
avay zoon, und I za to mine vamilies, 'Whoeffer za to 
me an udder gen, Dimocrat or Bopulix or Pilly Pryan. 
I vill kick him der house-top offer. ' ' 
Then Carl continued again and said : 
"If you vants to vote mit Pilly Pryan, or der 
Dimoerats or der Bopulixes, dot is all right; or if 
you vants to schtart der new barties, dot is all right, 
put I hef had two doses, und dot vill do me. I'm no 
tarn fool if I an a Dutchman, und I know ven I hef 
a goot ting." Then Carl quit and got up on his seat, 
and the prospect of the new party, was smashed flatter 
than a pan-cake. 

Carl's speech wasn't much of a literary produc- 
tion, but it had a wonderful effect, and there was no 
use in trying to answer the thing. A Dutchman is a 
good deal like a woman; he is always doing some- 
thing that no one is expecting. Though things looked 
very blue, at the close of Carl's speech, we were de- 
termined to not give up. 

There were a lot of Republicans, who left the party 
in 1896, and started the silver Republican party, and 
now that was about bursted, and we thought we ought 
to be able to catch most of them. The Populist party 
was about played out, and we thought we ought to 
get nearly all of them, for they were always looking 
for something new and different from anything else. 
Then there were a lot of Democrats who were not quite 
satisfied with their party, still they would not join 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 49 

the Republicans, so we ought to get some of them, if 
we made liberal enough offers. Then there were a lot 
of others, who had no politics, but were willing to do 
anything to be contrary and beat some one else. Then 
there were a great many scattered everywhere, who 
wanted an office, but knew they could not get it in 
either of the old parties, where they were known, and 
we would get all of them, so among the whole batch, 
we ought to be able to scare up a pretty good sized 
gang. 

After we had sat awhile and wondered what would 
turn up next, and they had whispered some in the 
audience, Pat Moon got down off of his seat and stood 
on the floor. He got down to make a speech against 
Carl. He and Carl are not such very good friends, 
both on account of politics, and also, as to what time 
in the moon potatoes ought to be planted. It was just 
like this: 

One evening, Carl and his family and we and our 
family, went over to Pat's to spend the evening and 
have a good time and take supper with them. Carl's 
had a lot of children and so had Pat's, but we had 
only seven then, but when they all got together, they 
made quite a bunch, and they had a great time, play- 
ing games like children will, and everything went off 
as nice as could be, and we had a good supper, for 
Mrs. Moon is a good cook and Pat is a good provider, 
but once in a while he drinks a little too much, and 
then the boys call him Full Moon. Now, there is one 
of the things I don't like; I don't think it right to 
nick-name people. Pat'f had a little baby and the boys 
called it New Moon, a^d the little girl, they called 
First Quarter, and the oldest girl, Mary Jane, they 



50 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

called Last Quarter. Of course these children can't 
help what their names are, for they had nothing to do 
with getting them up. 

But, as I were saying, every thing was going along 
nicely until after supper, and we men folks smoked 
our pipes, and the women talked of house-keeping and 
dress-making and such things, and no one thought of 
such a thing as anything being wrong, till Pat asked 
me how my potatoes were turning out, then the trouble 
begun. 

I told him they were not turning out very well, 
and asked him how his were, and he said they were 
fine. Then he asked me what time in the moon I 
planted them, and I told him in the light, then he 
laughed and said it was no wonder I had no potatoes. 
Then I asked him when he planted his, and he said 
in the dark of the moon, and any one ought to have 
sense enough not to plant at any other time. 

Then I got mad and called him something, and he 
said I was another, and we kept it up that way for 
about an hour, as to when potatoes ought to be plant- 
ed, and the women and children thought we were 
going to fight, and some of the children got to crying, 
but it was all Pat's fault, for he started it. 

After we had quarreled till there didn't appear 
to be any chance of settling it, Carl had to stick his 
nose in and he said : 

"You poth pe von tarn pig fools, for you hef 
quarreled all der dime for nuttens, und you know not 
so much now as you did ven you beguns, und you hef 
got mat and schpiled der schilern's funs, and you hef 
mate von pig shack-ass mit yourself alreaty. If you 
vante to raise goot kertofel, schoost blant him in der 



• THE COLORADO SITUATION 51 

ground and let der moon go." Then Pat's wife and 
mine said Carl was right, and that made Pat and me 
mad, and we made up friends and went to plotting 
against Carl; so Pat got down to make a speech 
against Carl. 

I think Pat was a Socialist, but it was pretty haro 
to tell, as there were so many parties, they appeareo 
to lap over a little on each-other. So Pat stood a little 
while and then said: 

"Mr. Chairman, this world is full of sin and cor 
ruption and will have to be regenerated. Your ole 
Republican and your old Democrat and your Populist 
parties, are all alike ; they are all the product of Satan 
and his imps, and they are leading you down the roaci 
that leads to social destruction. What have any ol 
them ever done for the people % Nothing except to rob 
them. The laborer is to-day, getting less than twenty 
per cent of his earnings, and the capitalist is taking 
the remainder, and your laws protect him in it. With 
all our boasting about confidence and prosperity and 
the 'full dinner-pail,' there are more divorces and 
murders and suicides, than there ever were before 
and for what ? why, for the almighty dollar. ' ' 

Now, Mr. chairman, I will tell you what ought to 
be done; in the beginning, all the natural resources 
belonged to all the people, and they should still be- 
long to them, but they have been appropriated by a 
select few, while the great mass of the people have 
nothing; not so much as a place to lay their weary 
bones, when at night, they cease their toils, but must 
be beholding to some one else, who has, according to 
law, robbed them of the fruits of their toil. I contend 
that this property should revert back to the people 



52 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

from whom it was taken. Things should be so ar- 
ranged, that every child born into the world, could 
start out on equal terms with every other child. Every 
one should be compelled to earn his living by the sweat 
of his brow, and not compel some one else to earn it 
for him. Conditions are such, to-day, that nine-tenths 
of the children are born in slavery, just as much as 
the black child in the south was, before the rebellion. 

' ' You may contend that this is a free country, but 
it is nothing of the kind, except to the one who ha* 
the money. He can do as he likes, and he can alsc 
make the other fellow do as he wants him to, or starve 
him out till he does. You may say that a man doe& 
not have to work for another, for the price offered, 
unless he wants to, but, such, my friends, is a mis- 
take, for he has to work or starve, as all the means of 
production are beyond his reach, and he is compelled 
to work for some one else, and take just what that 
some one is willing to pay him. 

"You may say that there is no law that prevents 
his going somewhere else, and working for some one 
who is paying better wages, but there is no one else 
who is paying better wages, as all the great enter- 
prises, are banded together and in the same ring, and 
are practically, paying the same wages, and they are 
not going to pay a cent more than they are compelled 
to. 

"If there are a lot of idle men who can not get 
work, and they have families that are hungry, they 
will work pretty cheap, rather than see their loved 
ones suffer, so they will take the job, no difference 
what the wages are. Then along will come a lot more, 
who are out of work and hungry and have hungry 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 53 

families, and they will work still a little cheaper, and 
so on, till they got down to the starving point." 

It was plain to be seen that the congregation was 
getting quite interested in what Pat was saying, for 
it stood to reason that if one was compelled to work 
for some one else, and had to take just what the other 
fellow was willing to pay, he wouldn't stand much of 
a show in butting up against some one who had plenty 
of money, and if all the means of production, had got- 
ten into the hands of a few, as Pat said, it would be 
pretty hard for an ordinary man to do anything but 
to take whatever he could get and make the best of it. 

But Pat went on and said: 

"Mr. Chairman, we are told that we are in a period 
of great prosperity, and I am willing to admit that 
times are reasonably good, but is it on account of 
anything that either of the old parties have done for 
the country? Not a bit of it. The resources of the 
country are so great that prosperity forces itself on 
us occasionally, in spite of bad government. 

' - We are also told that the employers of labor, are 
paying all the wages they can afford to. Now, if that 
be true, why is it that millionaires, by scores, are 
springing up all over the country, while the common 
laborer is making barely enough to live on, and some- 
times not that? 

"Now, Mr. chairman, I want to read a clipping I 
cut out of one of our leading society papers a few 
days ago. It is head-lined, "AMERICANS TO TIJE 
FRONT," and here it is: 

" 'It is a noticeable fact that there are a greater 
number of American, to-day, who ride in their private 
cars and travel on the ocean in their private yachts, 



54 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

than there are in all the countries of Europe com- 
bined.' " 

Then Pat continued and said : 

"Mr. chairman, I want to note this significant 
fact : These millionaires made their money off of some 
one else 's work. They produce nothing. Most of them 
made it in commerce and manufacturing, the very two 
things that are most heavily protected by the govern- 
ment. I believe in protecting our industries, and I 
also believe that the man who does the work, should 
have the benefit of the protection. And, now, the way 
things are going at the present time, how long will 
it be, till all the coal fields and iron fields and kero- 
sene fields, and also all the means of transportation, 
are in the hands of just one great combine, that will 
charge just whatever it wishes, and the people will 
have no choice but to walk up and pay the price 
asked ? 

"Mr. chairman, the time is coming when the gov- 
ernment will have to get up and do something for 
the people, or the people will rise in their sovereign 
might and do something for themselves. Humanity 
can stand just about so much, then it breaks loose, 
and, woe be unto the man who happens to be in its 
way, and it will not stand as much in the future as 
it has in the past, as it is getting more enlightened. 
It is beginning to conclude that the world was made 
for all the people, and not a select few ; that the pro- 
ducts of nature, should be so distributed that every 
man, woman and child, could have an opportunity to 
make an honest living. ' ' Then Pat got up on his seat, 
and we didn't know what to think, but thought, most 
likely, his speech would be of some benefit to us in 
starting the new party. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 55 

It was plain to be seen that he had learned his 
piece well, and there seemed to be a good deal of 
sense in his argument. An Irishman, in some respects, 
is a good deal like a Dutchman — one can't tell what 
he can do, till he hears him try. 

There is no doubt in our mind but the world was 
calculated for all the people — that is — if there was 
any calculation made when it was rolled up, but ob- 
servation and experience show that one must get a 
move on himself or he. will not get very much of it. 
Then there appears to be a lot of people, who think 
the world owes them a living, whether they work or 
not, and it is quite difficult to size things up so as to 
please them and at the same time do justice to the 
others. If all the people were built just alike, so they 
would fit in the same place, things could be readily 
re-adjusted, but they are not, and it, most likely, 
will take a lot of remodeling to make them all fit in 
the place where they think they belong. There ap- 
pears to be a great many who are too small. One can 
not, very easily, stop a six-inch hole with a two-inch 
cork. 

By the time Pat got through with his speech, it 
seemed that we were all mixed up so badly that it 
would be difficult to ever get straightened out again, or 
know which side we were on, or what we had intended 
to do. Even Maria and Sam's sister-in-law, appeared 
puzzled. 

Just about the time we were thinking of throwing 
up our commission and quitting in dispair, Dave Lee 
got down off of his seat and stood on the floor. We 
hadn't the least idea what he was going to say, or 
where he belonged, for we had never heard him ex- 



56 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

press his views on political subjects. He did not keep 
us long in suspense, but started right in and said : 

"What Pat said, sounds very well, and might look 
nice on paper, but let him try it once and he will 
change his mind. Some time back, I thought as he 
does now, and gave it a trial, and most likely, there 
are some here who know what the result was. I 
divided my farm up and let it out to families, whom 
I thought were in need, so as to give them a chance 
to make a living, and of the ten I took in, but one 
of them grew enough crop to carry his family over 
winter, and that one I have on my farm yet. All the 
others, I was compelled to help over the winter, and 
in the spring, I had to let them go; and run the farm 
myself, or in a short time, I wouldn't have had any- 
thing for my own family. They would not keep up the 
fences, or care for the horses, or anything else, and 
now it will take me two or three years to get the farm 
back in as good shape as it was when I began to be 
sociable. The time may come when it will do to divide 
up and have things in common, but it is not now. 

"Instead of passing a law to divide up, I would 
pass a law to make every man, who is able, work, and 
I would see that he used his money for his family. 
As Pat says, every one should have a chance to make 
a living, and then the government should see that he 
does it." Then Dave sat down on his seat, and we 
almost wished we hadn't tried to start the new party, 
but Maria seemed to have recovered her spirits, and 
was enjoying it hugely. She did not appear to under- 
stand the importance of the occasion, and that, maybe, 
the fate of the nation was resting in our Hands, or 
she would have been more solemn. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION '57 

So after Dave took his seat and no one else seemed 
to want to say anything, Marie told me to ask them 
how many wonld be willing to come in and help start 
the thing, provided they could get an office. So we 
said: "Ladies and gentlemen, how many are there 
present, who will be willing to help start the new 
party, if they, are pretty sure of getting an office 9 ' ' 

We hesitated a little while for a reply, and in 
a moment, a man by the name of Adams, said he 
would be willing to join almost anything, if he could 
get to sit on the Fire and Police Board, as he thought 
it would be a good place to sit in the winter. We told 
him we thought he stood a good chance of getting the 
place, and that we would do all we could to help him, 
and, especially, if he came in first; then he said he 
would join. 

Sam Snow's sister-in-law said she would join, if 
she thought she could get to be matron of police head- 
quarters in Denver, and we told her she ought to be 
able to get there, and we would do the best we could 
for her; then she said she would come in. 

By this time the crowd was becoming quite ex- 
cited, and about a dozen wanted to speak, so we ' 
thought we would do the thing up at once while 
they were in the right humor, and said: "All who 
are willing to join the new party and help start it, 
providing we help them get an office, will get off of 
their seats and stand on the floor," and the whole 
gang, except Carl Snider, Sam Snow, our wife and 
one or two others, got off of their seats and stood up. 
and we saw we were going to gain our point yet. in 
spite of that Dutchman; then we told them to get 
back on their seats again, and our wife laughed harder 
than ever. 



58 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Now, by this time it was getting quite late in the 
night, and Pete Benson said he thought it was time 
to adjourn, but before we went, it would be a good 
idea to appoint a committee to draw up a platform 
and some resolutions, so we would know where we 
stood when we met again. Pete had belonged to about 
all the parties that had ever been started in Colorado, 
and knew quite a little about such things. 

We told him a motion to that effect would be in 
order, so he moved the chair would appoint a com- 
mitee of eight to draw up a platform and such other 
things as might come handy in a new party, and 
some one seconded the motion, and we put the ques- 
tion, and it went through, and we appointed them, 
with Pete as chairman. 

Then some one made a motion that we meet at the 
school-house in one week from that, and we put it and 
it went through, and we all got down off of our seats 
and went home, except Maria and I and the children, 
and we were already -there, so that ended our first 
meeting, and the beginning of the most renowned 
party that ever sprang into existence in one night. 

I will tell you about our next meeting as soon as 
we have time to write again, which depends on Maria 
and the club. JAKE. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 59 

CHAPTER V. 

ORGANIZATION OF THE NEW PARTY AND 
ADOPTION OF PLATFORM. 

On the Ranch, Oct. 1. 
Special to The Record. 

We are fairly well this morning, as Tom is about 
over the measles, and the baby's teeth are coming out 
all right, but Ike 's wife 's little brother now has them, 
and they have just begun to break out. 

Sam Snow's sister-in-law has another beau, and 
Maria says she is having some trouble with him, but 
I guess she is getting along as well as can be expected, 
from the nature of the case, and no doubt will re- 
cover, if she doesn 't worry too much. And now I will 
tell you about our second meeting, which met at the 
.school-house, and adopted a platform and passed a 
lot of resolutions and some other things. 

The house was chuck full, and Pete's committee 
made the most remarkable report that was ever pre- 
sented to a suffering people. It was just like this : 

When we appointed the committee, we thought it 
would be a good idea to mix it as much as possible^ 
and have all the different creeds represented, and also, 
those who had forgotten where they belonged, so we 
put Pete on as chairman, for we were pretty sure he 
could represent anything that might come up. Then 
we put on Bob Smith, a silver Republican; then Ike 
Jones, a Populist; then Bill Riley, a Democrat; then 
Pat Moon, a Socialist ; then Carl Slater, a single-taxer ; 
then Jo Matz, a Dutchman; then Sam's sister-in-law. 
By arranging it thus, with Pete at one end of the com- 
mittee, and Sam's sister-in-law at the other, we did 



60 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

not think they would have any trouble in making both 
ends meet. There were about a dozen other denomi- 
nations, we would like to have had represented, but 
we could not, on a committee of eight. 

At eight o'clock we called them to order and told 
them the first thing would be to elect a chairman^ as 
our time had expired, we having been elected for but 
one evening. Some one put us in nomination again, 
and as there was no other nomination, Sam's sister- 
in-law put the question, and we were elected. Then 
Sam's sister-in-law was nominated and re-elected, just 
as we had had been. 

After making a few remarks and thanking them 
for the honor, we said: "Ladies and gentlemen, what 
is the pleasure of the convention?" The chairman of 
the committee, Pete Benson, stood up on the floor and 
said he believed it was in order for the committee to 
report, as they were ready, and we told him to report. 
He began by stating that the committee had concluded 
there ought to be a preamble to a platform, on such 
extraordinary occasions, and they had prepared one. 
just as our fore-fathers had, to the Declaration of In- 
dependence, and, if there were no objections, he would 
read it first. There being no objections, the chair told 
him to proceed, and from the way it read, we thought 
there was something needed somewhere, but we were 
not able to tell where or when the preamble ran out 
or where the other things came in. 

Now, George, so as to not make a mistake, and 
confound history in coming generations, I am going 
to send you an original copy of the report, taken at 
the time by the secretary, Sam 's sister-in-law ; and will 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 61 

insert a few notes which I, as chairman, made at the 
time, for future reference. 

First: — Assembled on this momenshous okkashen, 
we take plesher in presenten our hart-felt thanks that 
the opportunity has ariz for us to kongregate and make 
our wants knone and we think the kondishens that 
surround us in thur midst, justifies our ko-operashen 
to frustrate the moral korrupshen that predominates 
the ballot box, to-wit. (applause.) 

Sekond : — The legislashers and kongress are ex- 
taminated to a degree that distracte moral attenshen 
and prevents universal kontaminashen and our courts : 
there four we can xpect nuthen. From our courts or 
otherwise. (Just a little applause.) 

Third: — The nuse papers are muzzled on publik 
opinyen or are bought, and the people. "While our 
homes are morgaged and labor. And wage erners are 
capitalized and aksentuated. (applause) and contin- 
ually gitten worse. 

Fourth : — Workingmen are denied the right of im- 
ported selfprotekshen while a hireling army rekog- 
nized. (applause) And there be no tellen when the 
end will come. 

Fifth : — The f rutes of the toil of millyens is stolen 
to build up a fortune for a few unprecedented in the 
history of mankind and the possessers despize the re- 
publik and danger from the same prolific source we 
breed two classes. Tramps and millyen airs, (great 
applause) Maria and I think Ike Jones got up this 
section. 

Sixth : — The nashenel power to create welth is pro- 
porshened to the vast legal tender det. Has bin re- 
funded into gold-bugs. There fore increasen the 
burden. 



62 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

At this point, the crowd appeared in doubt, as to 
whether it would be proper to yell or not, as it was a 
question, from the reading, who the burden was on. 

Seventh: — Silver has bin aksepted ever since his- 
tory. Was demonetised. To add to the purchasen 
power of gold. By decreasen farm produkts and all 
other forms of supply and demand. Purposely abriged 
to fatten bankrupt enterpreze and slavery. There four 
a konspericy terrible has bin organized on two counts. 
And is rapidly spreading unless met by a soshelist 
who has the courage of his konvikshens and forbodes 
konvulshens. (tremendous applause) 

This section appeared to touch the right spot, and 
Pete's reading was fine. When he came to those big 
words, konvikshens and konvulshens, at the close of 
the section, he just spread himself, and before the 
echoes of his voice died away, the house got down and 
yelled. Even Carl Snider seemed interested, and Maria 
hid her face in her handkerchief, but I could not tell 
whether she was crying or laughing, but from the way 
she shook, there must have been some strong internal 
emotion taking place. 

Eighth : — Or the establishment of civilizashen and 
despotism we have witnessed of the two old parties 
of sufferen humanity we charge the influents domi- 
nated dredful kindishens with out serius effort? 

When Pete had finished this section, he seemed 
dizzy, and the audience was stuck. Most likely, who- 
ever got it up, had something in view, but the object 
must have escaped before he reached it. 

Ninth : — Nor do tha now promise us any releaf for 
reform, but press us more and more on the kanpain 
ishu with the outcrv of tariff and watered stock, while 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 63 

the dominashen of silver is sakrifized on the kapital- 
ist. (great applause) 

Tenth: — Tha make no bones of intruden on our 
homes and children, so long as tha can sakrifise mam- 
mon on the multitude of korrupshen fund as aforesed 
howsumever. (a slight agitation) 

Eleventh : — We assert our prospects to be identical 
with nashenel constipation : insured by domestic tran- 
quility: based on common defence: by the blessings 
handed down by one common posterity : only endured 
be a free people based on the government and so forth : 
we must die a natural death unless relieved, (pro- 
longed applause and cries of "Good") 

Twelfth : — Our country is confronted by a prese- 
dent in the history of the world, on account of its 
billious agricultural produkshens, which must be 
changed into commodities inadequate on account of 
fallen prices of provishens and combines, which will 
impoverish our pledges that if given power, will labor 
to correct these evils by wise and prodiges legislashen 
akkorden to the provishens of our platform. 

At the conclusion of this article, the audience were 
puzzled again. They had no doubt it was a good thing, 
but it was so immense, that they were not able to take 
it in. When Pete finished reading and looked up as 
if expecting to be applauded, the people looked at me 
to see if they could get any visible sign that would 
give them an idea as to what they ought to do, in the 
way of demonstrating, but I was in the dark as much 
as they were, and was unable to give any warning, bu+ 
Maria seemed to catch the spirit of the occasion, so 
she just waved her handkerchief a little, then they let 
loose, and one would have thought the top of the 



(54 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

house would have been blown off, and it was quite a 
spell before we could get them quieted down, so that 
Pete could go on with his reading. I tell you, George, 
Maria is immense. 

Thirteenth: — We hold these truths to be self- 
evident: That every man woman and child, and es- 
peshelly orfens, should be born free and equal, so 
that tha can walk strait in the sight of the law, and 
therefore we demand: 

First : — That the union labor forces Constitute per- 
petuity, and may the spiret of depieshen enter into 
the established privileges of the men and women, and 
espeshelly, the children of this common wealth un- 
reserved ibentical, and every dallar taken from labor, 
should be stabbed in the back without equivalent, and 
if any man will not eat, neither shall he work. 

At the close of this section, a few yelled, but not 
very vigorous, but most of them sat quiet, or scratched 
their heads. It had come on them so sudden, that they 
hadn't time to get its full meaning. 

Second : — We believe the time has arrived when the 
government should own the menes of transportashen 
and produkshen, and we therefore demand that every 
man who earns his living by the swet of his brow, be 
donated a free pass, 40 acres of land and a span of 
mules and such other things as may come handy in 
running a well regulated astablishment. 

At this point, the whole gang, except Carl Snider 
and Maria, got down off their seats and threw up their 
hats and bonnets and shouted to beat the mischief, 
and even Carl grinned in Dutch and said : ' ' Veil, py 
tarn!" and Maria laughed till she cried. It was now 
plain to me that Maria was agging them on for gome 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 6o 

purpose or other, and I believed that Carl was watch- 
ing to pick a flaw in me, and I made up my mind to 
watch both of them. 

Third: — That the land and natural resources are 
the heritage of the people and should not be monopo- 
lized by alien ownership and prohibited: therefore 
ralerodes, telefones and telegraffs should be held for 
actual settlers against competeshen. (great applause). 

Pete then proceeded to read his resolutions : 

Resolved :• — That we demand a free ballot and the 
abolishen of budle and pledge ourselves to vote for 
anything that will suppress the akkumulashen of 
wealth in the hands of a capitalist. 

Resolved : — that we favor an inkum tax, and that 
the proceeds frum the same, be divided among the 
people in proporshen to what tha havent got. (great 
applause, and. cries of "letter go Gallagher) 

Resolved: — That we favor an eight-hour day, and 
would make it a capital crime for any one to work 
more than that many hours in any 24. 
(applause) 

Resolved: — That we consider the Pinkertons a 
menace to bribery and abolishen and demand thur 
desolation, (applause) 

Then Pete sat down and seemed quite exhausted, 
but it was plain to be seen that his stuff had made a 
hit, and the prospect of the party was good. It ap- 
peared that every one had got about what he, she or 
it wanted, and, most likely, more than they were ex- 
pecting. 

Then some one made a motion that everything Pete 
had read, be adopted without discussion, and we 
thought that the better plan, for if we went to dis- 



66 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

cussing the thing, some one might ask some questions 
that might embarrass the committee. Even a lawyer 
could have seen that some of the things were rather 
mixed. No doubt the articles all, and each, individu- 
ally, meant something, but they appeared to lop over 
in such manner as to make it rather difficult to get at 
their meaning, and that was one of the things that sur- 
prised us most, for there was not a lawyer on the com- 
mittee, but some of the articles, were nearly as badly 
mixed as anything that had been gotten up by the 
Colorado legislature since the Democrats and Popu- 
lists had been running it, and had the assistance of 
the best legal talent in their parties. 

So we put the motion and it carried and then we 
said : Ladies and gentlemen, we now have a platform 
broad enough for a nation to stand on, or sit on, 
either, for that matter, but there are some other duties 
to perform and it will take cool heads and active minds 
to grapple them. We must organize and send out cam- 
paign documents and speakers and keep the thing go- 
ing, or we can not compete with the old parties. There 
should be a committee appointed to manage things in 
general, and appoint a time for holding a county con- 
vention to put up a ticket, for if we do not have a 
ticket in the field, we can not get any of the offices. 
And now we are ready to hear suggestions or mo- 
tions. 

In a little while a man by the name of Patten, who 
was in the back part of the room, and who had taken 
no part in the proceedings, got down off of his seat 
and said he would like to make a few remarks. We 
did not know what his politics were that day, for he 
had not yet expressed himself. We were not personal- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 67 

ly acquainted with him, though we had seen hin; 
several times, and had heard him speak once or twice. 
It was said that he was always looking out for some 
new party to help along, and when he asked to be 
heard, we thought, most likely, it would be a good 
thing for us, if he happened to be in the right mood. 
We told him we would be very much pleased to have 
him address the meeting, and hoped he might make 
some suggestions that would help us in our under 
taking. So he proceeded and said : 

Mr. chairman, ladies and gentleman, I will first 
ask your pardon for intruding on your patience, and 
occupying your most valuable time, but I trust the 
occasion and gravity of the questions at issue at this 
present and most critical time, when men's souls are 
tried, and the destinies of nations, yea! of humanity 
and civilization, are suspended in the balance, hang- 
ing but as by a thread, will, in a measure, atone for 
what might, perhaps, be considered a breach of de- 
corum, I being but a stranger in your community, but 
I trust we are not strangers in the one common cause 
the great cause of humanity. 

Mr. chairman, I have been a very much interested 
spectator to your most interesting and instructive pro- 
ceedings this evening, and I most heartily congratulate 
you on the able manner in which you have conduct 
this meeting, and I am most heartily in accord with 
your platform and resolutions, as presented by your 
most wise and able committee, and it is almost incon- 
ceivable to think that any body of men and women, in 
the short space of time, in which I have been informed 
they have been preparing this document, could hav<; 
brought forth such a production. 



68 * THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Now, Mr. chairman, while I have been fascinated 
by your proceedings and deliberations, I feel myself 
impelled, by an insatiate desire for the good of hu- 
manity, to suggest some points that may not have 
suggested themselves to your observations ; points that 
may have escaped the notice of your most wise and 
honorable committee. 

It is one thing to organize a new party, and an- 
other and much more important and difficult one to- 
put it in operation in such manner as to be able to 
successfully compete with that colossal, political, dom- 
inating power, that is now, as a mighty mastodon, 
feeding on the life-blood of the people. 

Mr. chairman, you will bear me out in the asser- 
tion, that union means strength, whereas, division 
means defeat. The only manner in which a new party 
can be successful at the polls, is by drawing from 
some other party, or parties, and that is, in my hum- 
ble judgment, one of the things you want to take into 
consideration. 

Now, Mr. chairman, I take it for granted, your 
sole object, in organizing and ushering into existence 
a new party, is to bring about a betterment of condi- 
tions, but to do that, you must be successful at 
the polls, but have you any reasonable pros- 
pect of accomplishing that most important re- 
sult? By your organizing at the present time, 
are you not dividing forces that should be 
left intact, so as to be able to combat the 
common enemy of the toiling masses ; the enemy who 
has brought this one-time glorious republic to the ig- 
noble wreck we now behold it? 

Mr. chairman, my heart is with you in your under- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 69 

taking, and if there were a possibility of you being 
able to carry out your noble intentions, I would most 
heartily join with you, but, alas! there are no hopes 
of your succeeding, and my only desire in occupying 
your valuable time, is to impress the importance of 
caution. 

And now, Mr. chairman, ladies and gentlemen, T 
again thank you for the patience with which you have 
heard me, and again ask pardon for occupying your 
time. 

Mr. Patten then took his seat, and it was up to the 
convention to guess what he wanted. There was no 
question in our mind but he had an ax to grind, for 
we had heard of him grinding a good many, while 
some other fellow did the turning, and when it came 
to the use of words, he was as slick as an eel. 

I will now have to close for this time, but will 
write again as soon as I can and tell you some more 
about the convention and the new party, and what a 
time we had when we were nominating the county and 
state ticket. 

There is to be a social entertainment over at Deer- 
lick school-house to-night, and Maria and I are going. 
You see we meet there every two weeks to have a 
social, good time, and a debate. The question to-night 
is to decide which is the mother of the chicken: the 
hen who laid the egg, or the one who hatched it. I 
am going to speak for the hen who did the laying, and 
Carl Snider for the one who did the setting, and you 
bet I'm going to make it hot for 'him. The women 
have offered a nice cake as a prize to the one that 
beats, and I'm going to eat that cake. 

A fellow by the name of Dave Shipley is the teacher 



70 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

over there this winter, and he is getting along nicely. 
He married old Dick Skinner's daughter four or five 
years ago, and thay had the greatest time to get mar- 
ried, one ever heard of. It was just like this : 

Old Dick didn't like Dave very well, and didn't 
want Theresa, that is his daughter, to marry him, but 
they made up their minds that they would get mar- 
ried anyway, and they arranged it for Theresa to get 
ready one night, and Dave would come and help her 
out of a back window, and they would go over to 
Pokerville and get married before old Dick knew 
what was going on, and after it was all over, he 
couldn't help himself. 

So Theresa got ready and Dave came, and it was 
tolerable high up to the window where she was to get 
out, as the house stood on a hillside, but old Dick had 
a slop-barrel standing not far away, and it was about 
half full of slop, but Dave managed to roll it up to 
the window, then he put a board on and got up and 
helped Theresa out, but the board wasn't so very 
stout, and when they both got on, it broke and they 
both went into the slop about half way up, or a little 
over, and, of course, when they got out, they didn't 
look much like going to their own wedding, or any one 
else's, for that matter, so they both got mad, to think 
they were having such bad luck just when they 
thought they were going to have a nice time, and Dave 
swore (he told me this himself afterward when he was 
in good humor) he would go through with it after 
going so far, if he had to wade all the way to Poker- 
ville, in slop, if Theresa would, and she said allright, 
so they went that way and got married, and have been 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 73 

happy ever since and have done well, so you see that 
sometimes a bad beginning make a good ending. 
From your friend, 

JACOB SHORT. 



12 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER VI. 

WHICH HEN IS THE MOTHER OF THE 
CHICKEN f 

At the Same Place, Oct. 12. 
Special to The Record. 

Say, George, is there any law against killing a 
Dutchman? If there isn't, I'm going to kidnap Carl, 
if I can get some one to help me, and take him back 
in the mountains and assassinate him. 

It was just like this: Maria and I went to the- 
social and debate, that I spoke of, and we had as nice 
time as you ever saw, till it came to the debate, then 
the trouble began, and I've been mad ever since. 

As I told you at the close of my last letter, we 
were to wind up the social with a debate, which was 
to decide which hen was the mother of the chicken, 
and the ladies had offered a prize of a nice cake to the 
winner, and it was as fine a cake as you ever saw. 
George, but the Dutchman got it. I was never so dis- 
appointed in my life, and I think Carl must have 
had the judges "fixed" before the debate began. 

Now, I reasoned it out like this : Anyone ought to 
recognize the fact that a hen that lays eggs, is en- 
titled to more credit than a lazy old thing that has no 
more ambition than to set. Anything can set, but it 
isn't everything that can lay an egg, to save its life, 
and a hen that is industrious enough to rustle about 
and produce eggs, ought to have credit for whatever 
there is in them. 

We had an old hen once, that sat on a door-knob 
nearly all summer, and when we took the nob away 
and broke up the nest, she was so poor and weak she 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 73 

could not cluck. Now, that hen had neither judgment 
nor ambition, or she would not have sat on a door- 
knob that length of time. She might have thought it 
would take longer to hatch it than it would a com- 
mon egg, and maybe she thought she would experi- 
ment with it awhile and see what the result would be. 
and she might hatch a new kind of a lock, then, of 
course, she would have the laugh — I mean the cackle,. 
on the other hens, who had been afraid to tackle it. 
as none of them could claim any relation to it, anl she 
would be the only kin-folks it would have in the whole, 
wide world. 

In making up their decision, the judges reasoned 
it out like this: Now, suppose we decide in favor of 
the hen who lays the egg; then, suppose some one cuts 
her head off and eats her before the chicken is hatched ; 
then the poor little thing would be an orphan, with- 
out any mother. But so as to not cause hard feeling 
among the chickens, the judges decided that the hen 
who layed the egg, might be the chicken's step-mother, 
so it will have to stand that way, till we can get a 
new hearing some other time, and find judges who are 
inclined in favor of the hen who laid the egg, and 
then she will be the chicken's mother. 

Isn't it queer how the common people will decide 
sometimes? They are almost as bad as lawyers and 
judges, and if one is on the right side of a case, he 
hasn't much more chance of winning than he would 
have in court, and the only sure way, is to watch one's 
chance and have his case called up when he finds a 
judge who is inclined his way. 

Say, George, did you ever hear of that case back 
in Indiana, between Albert A. Stevenson and Jeremiah 



74 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

C. Montgomery, about a pig? It started farther back 
than I can remember, and it may be going on yet, for 
I never heard of it being settled, but I suppose some 
of the very old men, who live in that part of the state 
will remember it, but a great many of them mowd 
away on account of it. 

It must have been one of the worst mixed cases 
that ever came up, and it was said that two of the best 
lawyers in the state went crazy over it, and one com- 
mitted suicide and another killed his mother-in-law 
while working on it. 

You see Stevenson and Montgomery, two old farm- 
ers back there, each had some hogs that ran out in 
the woods, like many of them do there, till they want 
to drive them in and fatten them up for meat, in the 
fall, and each one had a female hog, that he thought 
had eight pigs, but when they drove them up m the 
fall, Albert A. Stevenson (everybody called him Ab, 
for short) had only seven, and Jeremiah C. Montgom- 
ery (they always called him Jerry) had eight. So Ab 
said Jerry had one of his pigs, and he wanted him to 
give it up, but Jerry said it was his, and he was go- 
ing to keep it. Then Ab went before a squire and 
sued Jerry for possession of the pig, and the squire 
decided it was Ab's. Then Jerry got out an injunc- 
tion to keep Ab from taking the pig, and he got a new 
hearing before another squire, and that squire de 
cided the pig was Jerry's. Then Ab appealed the case-: 
up to some kind of a court that was considered a little 
higher than the squire, and got out a writ that gav<i 
the constable a right to take the pig and hold it ti'i 
the case was settled. So the constable got the pig ami 
held it till the case got a good start in the higher court. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 75 

then the sheriff took hold and held it, and in about 
a year the court called the case up, and after hearing 
argument and witnesses for three or four days, 
decided it was Ab's hog. Then Jerry appealed 
the case up to some other court that was 
supposed to be still a little higher than the 
other one, and in about two years, that court 
called the case up and decided it was Jerry's. 
Then Ab appealed the case up to the supreme court to 
see what he could find out about the thing, and in 
about four years that court called the case up, and 
after hearing argument for about a week, decided it 
was Ab 's old hog. 

The hog was then about eight years old, and had 
been held by two different constables and four sheriffs, 
and each one had a bill against it for board and lodg- 
ing, that amounted to a couple thousand dollars, and 
just about the time the supreme court decided in favor 
of Ab, or, maybe, a few minutes before it decided, the 
hog died of old age. There wasn't any one at its bed- 
side when it died, so no one could tell to a certainty, 
whether it died Ab's or Jerry's. 

Then the constables and sheriffs brought in their 
bills for grub, lodging and funeral expenses, and both 
Ab and Jerry refused to pay, each one claiming the 
hog belonged to the other, and he had no right to pay 
its expenses. 

Then the sheriffs and constables went to the su- 
preme court, where the case was last, to find out whose 
hog it was, and in about four years, the case was called 
up, and after hearing argument for a few weeks, that 
court referred the case back to the next lower court, 
which called the case up in about two years, and after 



76 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

hearing argument for a few days, referred it back to 
the next lower court, which called the case up in about 
a year, and referred it back to the squire who sat on 
it last, but when it got there, it was found he had been 
dead for several years, and most of the lawyers, who 
had been connected with the case, had either died or 
gone crazy, and several of the witnesses had sold out 
and left the state, when they heard the case was com- 
ing back at them, and I got scared and gathered up 
Maria and the children and moved to Arkansas, and 
that 's how we came to leave Indiana. But it sure was 
a great case, and stirred the people up immense, and 
a great many farmers quit raising hogs, for fear they 
might get in court with them, and I guess that is one 
reason why pork is so high now. 

So, as I started in to tell you, we sat still awhile 
after Mr. Patten got through with his speech, then 
some one made a motion that we meet in Pokerville on 
the first Tuesday in September for the purpose of 
nominating a county ticket, and the motion was 
seconded and put and carried. It just beat all how 
easy it was to do business in the new party, and il 
was coming out as Maria said it would, and she knew 
how to keep still at the right time, which is more than 
some men know. 

Then some one moved that our precinct elect 
ten delegates to the county convention, and it 
was seconded and put and carried. Then Mike 
O'Donnell, who is an Irishman by birth, said 
that he had a list of names that he thought 
would be acceptable to the convention, and if 
there was no objection, he would like to pre- 
sent them, as he thought we could save time that 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 77 

way, and as it was already quite late, and no one ob- 
jected, we told him to go ahead and present his can- 
didates, and he read the following list : 

Mike O'Donnell, Henry Smith, Zeke Smith, Jo 
Smith, Bob Smith, Elizabeth Smith, Pete Benson, 
Sam's sister-in-law and me and my wife. Then it was 
moved and seconded that the candidates, placed in 
nomination by Mike, be elected by acclamation, and 
the question was put and carried. 

I thought at the time that the Smith family was 
represented rather numerous, but of course, that was 
for the convention to say, and Mike had a perfect right 
to put a list of names before the convention, if there 
was no objection, and he took advantage of his op- 
portunity. You see it was just like this : 

Henry Smith was the old man, and Zeke and Jo 
and Bob, were his sons and Elizabeth was his daugh- 
ter, and she was as plump as a quail and sweet as a 
rosy-cheeked peach, and Mike had been going to see 
her, and there were several others who would liked to 
have cut him out, but Mike saw his chance to do the 
family a favor, and it would give him an opportunity 
to court Elizabeth all the way over to Pokerviile and 
back and there was just Irish enough about him to 
see the opening, and use politics for business pur- 
poses, and it worked all right, for he and Elizabeth 
were married a few months later, and have been hap- 
py ever since. 

When the delegates were elected, Hank Smith, who 
is a cousin to most of the other Smiths, on his father 's 
side, said we had forgotten something: we had not 
named our party, and he had a name he would like 
to suggest, if it were in order, and we told him we, 



78 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

had overlooked it in our rush of business and would 
be pleased, in deed, if he would suggest a name, and 
he said he thought "EXCELSIOR" would be about 
the thing, as it would be our aim to go higher and 
higher. Then Jack Smith, who is a cousin of Hank, 
and owns a sheep ranch over on the messa just above 
Si Kenedy's; the same Jack that married Abigail 
Spencer about seven years before that, when she came 
out on a visit from Indiana, to see her uncle and 
aunt, Theodore Penrod's, who have four children, 
made a motion that we name it "EXCELSIOR," and 
it was seconded and put and carried and that was 
its name 

When we got the thing named, I told them we 
must not overlook one important thing, if we wished 
to be successful, and that was : we must notify all the 
other precincts in the county, to send delegates to the 
convention, and send them a few copies of our plat- 
form and those other things we had adopted, so they 
would know where they stood when the convention 
met, and some one suggested that Sam's sister-in-law 
attend to that, as she was secretary, and she said she 
would. 

Then Jo Mats, the Dutchman, made a motion that 
we adjourn, and it was put and seconded and carried 
and we adjourned, "sine-or-die," I think that is what 
they call one of that kind, and went home. 

Now, I will write again and tell you about the 
county convention that met at Pokerville, as soon as 
I can, but there is no telling when that will be, for 
Maria has notified me that she has some extra work 
on hand, in connection with the club, and that I must 
be careful about making engagements, for I might 
have to cancel them, 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 70 

CHAPTER VII. 

CARL AND MARIA AT THE LITERARY 
SOCIETY. 

Un the ranch about two weeks later. * 
Friend George of The Record : 

I thought I would, have written you before this, 
and told you some more about the new party, and the 
ticket we put up when we met at Pokerville, but I 
have been having a lot of trouble, oil boy; a lot of 
trouble. I had always thought that Maria and Car] 
had plotted against me while we were getting up the 
new party, and now they seem to be at it again. It 
was just like this : 

Last Friday evening we met at the school-house to 
have a social good time, and another debate, and I 
was expecting to do Carl up this time, sure, and get 
the prize the ladies had offered, which was a new, re.! 
necktie. So Maria and I started in to do our work up 
early so as to be ready in time, for we always made 
it a point to be on time, when we went anywhere. So 
Maria fixed the children up nicely, so that they could 
take care of themselves while we were gone. "While 
Maria was taking care of the children and getting 
ready, I pitched in and got ready too, and put on a 
white shirt and clean collar, and fixed up as nice as 
possible, for I wanted to look as well as I could, so as 
to make a favorable impression on the judges, for I 
was almost sure the women would do the judging in 
the debate, for they had been judging almost every- 
thing in Colorado, since woman suffrage came in, and 
they seem to be a good deal like men, in some respects, 
and if you want a case to come your way, when women 



80 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

are judges, you must use some incentive, just about 
as you would, if the judges were men. 

Say, George, sometimes I have my doubts of our 
having improved things so very much for the women, 
when we gave them the right to vote. Of course ~ it 
looks as if they ought to have the same privileges 
that men have, but when taken as a whole, I fail to 
see where they are getting much benefit out of it. But 
of course, if they enjoy a lot of trouble and fuss and 
worry, and a lot more responsibility placed on their 
already over-burdened shoulders they have an open 
field, now, in which to operate. 

Anyone who has had the experience that I have, 
knows there is a great deal of difference between a 
man and a woman, and what might be the right thilng 
for one, might be just the wrong thing for the other, 
and it is going to be quite difficult to legislate them 
together, because they do not appear to fit in the same 
place, and I 'm glad of it. for I would feel badly, if 
I thought Maria was no better than an ordinary man : 
or any other man, for that matter. But if Maria in- 
sists on going out and putting herself in a man's place, 
or going side-by-side with him, in the rough-and-tum- 
ble struggles of life, then, of course, she can only ex- 
pect to be treated as a man, socially. 

And, sometimes, George ; it seems to ,me that a good 
many men are beginning to look at it in about that 
light, for they do not appear to treat women with that 
respect, they did before she went to demanding equal 
rights, whatever that means. And as far as her in- 
fluence, in purifying politics and such, is concerned, 
it has not panned out just as we had thought, for 
things are going on about the same as they were be. 



THE CLORADO SITUATION 81 

fore, if not more so, and about the only real difference 
I have noticed is: it takes more money to carry an 
election now, than it did before. 

Now, it appears to be about like this, when one 
reasons from cause to effect : men and women are not 
built alike, so must have been calculated for different 
purposes and different occupations. Then, that beine^ 
the case, what is there to be gained, when taken as a 
whole, by one mixing in and taking the place of the 
other 1 

Of course, I have known some women who made 
very good officers, and I have known some men who 
made very poor ones, than I have known of several 
cases, where it was exactly the reverse, and as far as 
elevating woman, is concerned, she can no more be 
elevated by being put on an equal with man, than a 
lark can be elevated, by putting it on an equal with 
a buzzard, but if a lark should demand that it be 
placed with the buzzards, then I suppose it would 
come in the buzzard class. 

I think that those women who are making such a 
fuss about the way they have been treated, and de- 
manding equal rights, are just about equal to the 
men ; then I think there are a lot of other women, who 
are not saying very much on the subject, that are 
very much superior to men — morally and socially, I 
mean. 

If a man were to go into his house and tell his 
wife how she must do the work, and how she must 
dress the children, and all that kind of thing, with 
the excuse that he was going to have equal rights. T 
think he ought to be kicked by a mule ; and if a woman 
neglects ber duties about the home, the things she is 



82 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

supposed to understand, and goes out and demands 
that she be allowed to serve on the police force, and 
work on the streets and whoop things up in general, 
about election time, T think she ought to be kicked 
by a — I was going to say, cow, but I would not stand 
by and see any woman kicked by a cow, or anything 
else, if I could prevent it, but I do think she has a 
splendid opportunity, in this country of ours, to em- 
ploy her time in such manner as would be more likely 
to elevate the human family. 

Some time back I took some steers over to Denver 
to market, and after I sold out and did what trading 
I had to do, I thought I would see the city, so I took 
a street car and went out ever so far, and on the way 
coming back, there were more people got on, than 
there were seats for, and some had to stand. Several 
ladies got on after the seats had all been occupied, arid 
I got up and gave one of them my seat. 

When I got down in town and got off, one of the 
men who had been on the car, but did not offer his 
seat to the ladies, stepped up to me and asked, "Look 
here, old man ; you are from the country, aren 't you ? ' ' 
I replied, "Yes, but why do you ask?" "I thought 
you were," he said, "when I saw you give your seat 
to that woman. I used to do that way, too, but the 
women howled for equal rights, and the law gave 
them equal rights, and I concluded to conform to law 
and let them enjoy their rights." Then he went away 
and left me thinking. 

Well, well; we started in to tell you about the 
social and debate, then wandered clear away onto 
something else. Our mind wanders and we don't seem 
to be able to get it down to business, but most likely, 



THE COLORADO SITUATION S3 

it's on account of troble, for things appear almost as 
bad as they were in 1900, when we started the new 
party, and if Carl does not behave better than he has 
been doing lately, I will start another, just to spite 
him and Maria. 

The question we debated last Friday evening, was 
to find out which was worth most in the family, women 
or money. I took the side of the women, and Carl the 
money, and he won again, and got the prize. 

But as I started out to say, just as we got ready to 
go, and a little before Maria was ready, along came 
Sam Snow's sister-in-law. I didn't think she had anv 
beau, or that she had had one for a long time^ and I 
felt sorry for her, because she appeared to be so lone- 
some. 

She had started to the social and to hear the de- 
bate, so I told Maria that I would walk on with her — 
that is : with Sam 's sister-in-law, and when she got 
ready — that is : when Maria got ready, she could come 
on and overtake us, as we would not walk very rapidly. 

She said that was all right — that is: Maria did. 
and I started on to go to the social and debate with 
her — that is: I started on with Sam's sister-in-law, 
thinking Maria would catch up with us in a little 
while, but we went all the way, and she didn't catch 
up at all. But I did not think much of that, as I knew 
she knew the way and wasn't afraid, so I pitched in 
and had a lot of fun joshing with the ladies about 
the debate and the prize and all that kind of thing, 
and just about the time I had forgotten all about 
Maria, in she came walking with Carl Snider, and she 
had hold of his arm, and they were both smiling fit 
to kill. Now, wasn't that enough to jar one's nerves? 



84 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Of course it would not have done to have said 
anything, but I made up my mind I would lay for 
them, and went to plotting as to how I would get re- 
venge, and it did not take me long to decide, for T 
concluded to go home with Sam's sister-in-law, and let 
Maria flirt with Carl if she wanted to. 

So I settled it in my mind that way, and joined in 
with everything that had any fun in it, because I was 
not going to let my wife see that I was mad, and I 
couldn't hardly keep from laughing when I thought 
what a jolt I would give her, when I started off with 
Sam's sister-in-law. 

The debate was immense, and attracted more atten- 
tion than anything, but that Dutchman beat us again. 
Say, do you know I believe Carl had the judges 
"fixed" before the debate began?' That is: a majority 
of them. There were five judges, three women and 
two men, and the women said Carl won, and the men 
said I won, so it will have to stand that way till we 
can get a ne whearing, and money will be of more use 
in the family, than a woman. But I don't think that 
was a good decision, and it may have a tendency to 
leave a bad impression, and cause trouble. I reasoned 
it out in the debate like this : 

Which could we do without best, women or money ? 
Now, to suppose the case : suppose we should do away 
with all the women (of course that can not be done, 
and especially in Colorado), then, where would the 
men be in two or three generations 1 That was one of 
the questions I asked Carl to answer, but he did not 
dare do it ; it would have spoiled his case if he had. 

But on the other side, suppose we would do away 
with all the money, then what? Why, the only thing 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 85 

we would have to do, would be to hustle about and 
get out a little silver and gold, and the government 
would coin it into money,, then we would go to finding 
fault with the government, and kick up a racket, and 
demand reform, and elect a fusion congress and presi- 
dent, and they would issue paper money, based on, a 
promise to pay, till every one got about as much of 
the stuff as he wanted, then the government would 
call in the gold and silver money, and cut it into little 
dollars, and in almost less than no time, the people 
would have more money than they had before, and 
they would all be rich, and have the women left, too. 
But my argument didn't do any good. The judges 
had their heads set, and gave Carl the red neck-tie. 
But that was not the worst, George. 

I had made up my mind to go home with Sam's 
sister-in-law to spite Maria, and after the debate was 
over, I hung around waiting for her to get ready td 
go, for of couse I could not go with her till she got 
ready to go. but while I was waiting for her, Maria 
got ready and walked up to Carl right in my presence 
and said, ' ' Carl, are you going to take me home ? ' ' and 
Carl grinned all over in Dutch and said, "Sure." 
Then she said something to him in a low like tone, and 
he grinned again and said, ' ' Veil py sheminy, dot vos 
goot," and away they went and left me standing 
there waiting for Sam's sister-in-law. But that wasn't 
the worst of it yet. 

Sam's sister-in-law, did finally get ready, or ap- 
peared to be, and about the time I thought I would 
step up and ask to walk home with her, up stepped 
Bill Brady, a red-headed Irishman by birth, and she 



g6 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

save him her arm and off they went and left me stand- 
ing there looking like a fool. 

When they all left, of course I had to go too, or 
stay there by myself so I started off home, mad as 
sin and cussing some so as to keep my temper down, 
and when I got home, there stood Carl and Maria at 
the gate talking. Of course there was no use of my 
saying anything to that Dutchman, because he was as 
big as two of me, and when I say anything to Maria, 
she says she is only sticking up for woman's rights. 
Things have got in an awful shape in Colorado, 
George, and if I had known how I was going to get 
mixed up, I would have died when I was a boy, or 
stayed in Arkansas. 

I will now have to close my letter for this time, 
as it is getting late, and I want to get a good night's 
sleep, then I am going to make up with Maria in the 
morning and butcher a hog and make some sausage. 

JAKE. 

P. S. — Do you know any one who has a good bird 
grinder, that he would like to trade for a sausage 
dog? No, I don't mean that; I mean, do you know 
any one who has a good dog grinder that he would 
trade for a sausage bird? That isn't right either. It's 
just like this : 

I have a dog that I do not want, and I want to 
find some one who has a sausage grinder, that he does 
not want, so that I can trade. Understand? He is a 
real Irish setter, and this is how we found it out. One 
day we were all away from home, and two Irish men 
came along, and the dog got after them, and they 
climed up on the fence and sat there till we came 
home and drove the clog away, then we knew he was a 
sure Irish setter. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 87 

CHAPTER VIM. 

"AND NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP." 

At home on the ranch, but some later. 
(Special to the Record) : 

Friend George, I do not feel well, but I will write 
just a few words to let you know I am alive. You 
know one ought to feel pretty well when he writes 
something, for if he does not, there is danger of get- 
ting it mixed, or putting it in a way that will not be 
very effective, or will effect in a way that it was not 
intended. When one reads a thing, he can almost al- 
ways tell how the fellow who wrote it, felt when he 
was writing it, for no difference how much one tries 
to smother his feelings, they will come out somewhere, 
and it stands to reason that one could not make a 
very effective prayer, if he had a lot of cuss words 
on his mind. 

He might say something that would sound nice 
over the outside, but from some cause or other, it 
would not touch the spot that would make one wish he 
was better, or carry him back to his boy-hood days, 
when he used to go to church with mother, in the old 
log school-house, where the people kneeled down on 
the bare floor and asked the Lord to bless them, and 
when they felt like shouting, they did, and were not 
ashamed of it, for they did not think it a disgrace. 

But it is different, now, George; quite different, 
but, maybe, it is for the best ; we will not pretend to 
say, but religion does seem to be cramped a little. 

Wouldn't it be awfully nice if one could be, a boy 
again, and go back just like he was before he knew 
anything about women's rights and politics and all 
those other things that have sprung up lately, then 



S8 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

go to church with mother, and kneel down on the old 
plank floor, while the preacher was talking straight 
ont to the Lord, without trying to smooth things over 
to tit science? Then before going to bed, you would 
kneel at mother's feet, and with your face in her lap, 
while she was stroking your hair and pressing your 
cheeks between her hands — those hands that have, long 
ago, been laid away to rest, where they can reach you 
no more, you would say : 

"Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep ; 
If I should die before I wake, 
I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to take." 

But those days are gone, and mother is gone, and 
sister is gone, and the old log school-house is gone, and 
the preacher, who used to go home with us, and take 
dinner, and sometimes, stay over night, is gone. And, 
say, George; we have gone, too. We have wandered 
away out in the world, and taken on a different life, 
but we are not satisfied with it. We are just racing 
through as if we were trying to beat some one else and 
get there first, and, just as like as not, we will wake up 
to the fact sometime, and find we have beaten some 
one else, and got there before we were ready. 

The next question we are going to debate, is to see 
see whether Eve was justified in eating the fruit in 
the garden, and I hope the judges will not find her 
guilty, for I have always felt sorry for her, because 
I do not think there are many women now, who would 
not have done the same thing if they had been placed 
in the same position. I am for Eve and Carl is against 
her. 

I will have to bring my letter to a close for this 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 89 

time, for I feel weary, but if I am well enough, I will 
tell you in my next letter — that is, if I am well enough 
to write the next one, some more about the new party 
Maria and I started. 

There is no use denying the fact, George, for I am 
losing my appetite and my energy, and maybe, Maria 
will see when it is too late. But she has been a good 
woman, George, a good woman; and if I could 
have kept her out of politics, things would have been 
quite different. It is pretty difficult to mix in bad 
society, without getting some of it rubbed onto you. 

If I had never gone into politics, I would be a 
different man, to-day, but I got in, then it was all up 
with me till I married Maria, then she held me in 
place, but she is in too, now, so I guess there is no one 
left to teach the children, 

"Now I lay me down to sleep. " 
and I will have to go under, but I am going to stick 
it out as long as possible, for the children's sake, and 
I want to attend the next debate and clear Eve if 
I can. 

Good-bye, George, good-bye, and if I should never 
live to — but that's all right. Good-bye. 



90 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER IX. 

THE COUNTY CONVENTION AND THE KIM- 
BALL AND HUFF FAMILIES. 

On the ranch, Nov. 5. 
Special to George of The Record. 

Friend George, I feel a great deal better this 
morning, and Maria is just like her old self again, 
and going about singing like a lark. Isn't it wonder- 
ful what an effect a song will have on one? I think 
it beats preaching any day in the week, though preach- 
ing may be good, too, if one doesn't have to take too 
much of it. But one can't get too much nice singing, 
and the more he gets, the more he wants. 

It is a good deal like whistling. It is pretty hard 
for one to stay mad, if he will whistle, and if you 
ever find yourself real mad about something, and 
can't get over it any other way, start in to whistling, 
and the first thing you know, you will find yourself 
smiling instead of frowning, and if you just keep 
it up, it will not be long till you will almost forget 
what you was mad about, and you will be feeling 
good toward every one, and everything will go along 
better, and the sun will shine brighter, and the birds 
will sing sweeter, and the victuals will taste better, 
and they will digest better, too, for if one is all out 
of sorts, he is sure to have a sour stomach. 

If each husband would just whistle a good deal, 
and each wife would sing a good deal, and would 
each try to be nice toward the other, and do what is 
right, the divorce courts would all be closed, as there 
would be two "affinities" in each family, and that 
is enough for any well-regulated household, and the 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 91 

children would grow up in harmony with surround- 
ing, and each generation would become better. 

Have you ever noticed, George, what a wonderful 
effect surroundings have on one, and especially, the 
children? (Professor Hobbs would say "environment" 
instead of "surroundings," but that sounds like put- 
ing on a good deal of airs, for the ranch.) Even do- 
mestic animals, such as dogs, horses and cows, take 
on, more or less, the disposition of the people with 
whom they come in contact. Whenever you see a fel- 
low who always has a kick for his dog, you will also 
see that his dog always has a snap and snarl and 
growl for all other dogs. 

Now, while I am feeling pretty well I might as 
well tell you some more about the new party, and the 
convention that met at Pokerville to nominate a 
county ticket. Doesn't it beat the world how one will 
wander about and loose himself when he gets into 
politics? AVhen I started in, I only calculated to give 
you a writeup on the situation in 1900, and tell you 
about the new party, but something is constantly drop- 
ping in to lead me away. 

Sam's sister-in-law had sent out the notices, and 
every precinct in the county was represented, making 
a congregation of about 150 delegates. I called the 
house to order and told them the first thing would be 
the selection of a chairman. Some one put my name 
in nomination, and there being no other nomination, 
Sam's sister-in-law put the question, and of course I 
was elected. I was expecting the office, and it stood 
to reason that I ought to have it, as I and Maria were 
the founders of the party. Besides, I had spent a good 
deal of time in the two weeks preceding that, in pre- 



92 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

paring a speech — that is: Maria and I had, that I 
expected to deliver on that occasion, and I wanted 
it to be the hit of the campaign, and if things worked 
out just as we were calculating, it might land me in 
congress, and quite likely that thought, incited Maria 
more than anything else. 

So when I was declared elected, I thanked them 
for the great honor conferred on me, by being selected 
to preside over such an august body of our fellow 
citizens, and notified them that their memory would 
ever be held in reverence by me, and transmitted to 
my posterity, and no doubt their acts and delibera- 
tions, on that momentuous occasion, would be recorded 
in the annals of history, of yet unborn generations, as 
the beginning of the epock in which the country had 
been regenerated, and shackled slavery had been 
emancipated. 

Then I began on the speech that Maria and I had 
practiced on, and continued and said:. 

" Ladies and gentlemen, Colorado has, to-day, the 
most glorious opportunity of any state on the globe : 
everything except a government. In natural resources, 
she is infinte — gold, silver, iron, lead, copper, zinc, 
coal, kerosene, natural gas, etc., etc. In agricultural 
products, she leads the earth: wheat, oats, corn, bar- 
ley, hay, 'Greeley potatoes' and hundreds of other 
things, and her fruits she ships to the farthermost 
parts of the world — -millions of value yearly, and far- 
away Chicago and bean-fed Boston, yearn for her 
watermelons and cantaloupes. 

"And scenery, grand, magnificent; majestic snow- 
capped peaks, 'volcano-scarred and grim/ everlasting 
sentinels, monuments of time, and rolling prairies, 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 93 

sloping far away to the east, dotted with a 'thousand 
hills/ on which feed great herds. And flower-covered 
slopes, the home of the deer, the elk, the antelope and 
the grizzly; and grass-carpeted valleys between, 
through which crystal streams, teeming with ' speckled 
beauties,' flow. The tourists' retreat; the sportsman's 
paradise; the summer Eden of our country. 

" And Denver, The Beautiful ! Gem of the Republic ! 
' Queen of Mountain and Plain ! ' Seated on her throne 
five-thousand feet high and crowned with perpetual 
sunshine. 

"All these we have in Colorado, ladies and gentle- 
men, and we are going to be as thankful as we can, 
and we are going to trust to the common sense of the 
people to come in and unite with us, and help right 
the wrongs under which we are now suffering, and we 
are going to inyite the world to come and dine with 
us and help us enjoy these blessings, and after the 
election next November, we hope to be able to shout 
the glad tidings, 'Colorado is back in the union and 
under the constitution ; trusts, capitalistic domination 
and despotism, are dethroned, and the citizen will be 
protected in his rights, for now we have a 'Govern-, 
ment of the people, by the people, and for the peo- 
ple.' " 

Say, George ; if Maria doesn 't know how to fix up 
a speech that will touch the right spot, I'd like to see 
some one who does. Why, the delegates couldn't hard- 
ly hold themselves till we got through saying our 
piece, and when we had finished, they just broke loose 
and yelled worse than hyenas and threw everything 
in the air, that was throwable, and went to hugging 
each other, and Sam's sister-in-law came mighty near 



94 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

hugging me, and I wouldn't have cared if she had, if 
Maria hadn't been there. 

Now, I'm not going into all the particulars in tell- 
ing about this convention, but it went off all right, 
and we put up a full ticket, and while some of the 
candidates did not suit Maria so very well, they, I 
think, were as good as could be expected, under the 
circumstances, for, as I told you before, we had to 
gather them from the "rag-tag-and-bob-tail" of the 
country, and take just whatever we could get, but 
Maria thought that ought not to discourage us, as she 
said Rome was mostly populated by refugees and 
criminals from all over the old world: that is, m its 
early history, and see what a great nation it became 1 

But there is one thing we did, that the old parties 
had not been doing : we represented the working class 
on our ticket. We had on it, one blacksmith one dairy- 
man one peddler, one woodhauler, one laundryman, 
two cowboys (for constables), one ragpicker, one 
washer-woman, one chamber-maid and then Pete Ben- 
son for county judge, and we felt pretty sure Pete 
would keep the whole gang down to business. 

Before adjourning, the committee on resolutions 
and emotions reported, and brought in a resolution 
endorsing me for congress, and another endorsing 
Sam's sister-in-law for matron of police headquarters 
in Denver, and another endorsing Adams for presi- 
dent of the Fire and Police Board, as he said he en- 
joyed sitting on that board, and especially, in the cold 
weather. 

But what I wanted to tell you this morning, George, 
is this : we may have to move again. You see we left 
Indiana shortly after we got married, on account of 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 95 

that hog case, and went to Arkansas, where we had 
heard they did not pay much attention to the courts 
then, after staying there a few years, the Hough and 
Kimball case came up, and the people got so agitated 
over it, that I got uneasy, for fear I would get mixed 
in it, and sold out and came to Colorado, and now, 
just when we have gotten a good start, and Maria is 
at the head of the woman's club, and every thing 
appears to be going on all right, except Carl Snider, 
we may have to sell out and move again, for the 
Houghs and Kimballs heard, some way or other, as 
we never told them, where we were, and that we were 
getting along nicely, and they left Arkansas and 
moved up here and are living in some log cabins in 
the gulch just above us, and they say it is their inten- 
tion to settle down and go into business, but if you 
should see their families, you would think they had 
been in business for some time. But I never told you 
about their troubles, or rather, the troubles they 
brought on the neighborhood where they lived, did I. 
It was just like this : 

Mrs. Kimball was a widow woman and had a son 
and a daughter, and Mr. Huff was a wodow man and 
had a son and a daughter. Now, you will have to fol- 
low me pretty close, or you'll miss connection. 

Mrs. Kimball's name was Elizabeth, and her 
daughter's name was Susan, and her son's name was 
Reuben. Mr. Huff's name was Abraham, his son's 
name Joshua, and his daughter's name Eliza. Now, 
have you got that? The reason why I remember their 
names and ages so well, is because the case had been 
talked of and argued so much, after the families be- 
gan marrying each other. Mrs. Kimball was 38 years 



$6 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

old. her son 20, and her daughter 16. Mr. Huff was 
45 years old, his son 19, and his daughter 17. 

Now, Joshua Huff, that is, the son, was going to see 
Susan Kimball and wanted to marry her, but Mr. 
Huff kicked up a racket about it and told Joshua he 
was too young to marry, then he, that is, Mr. Huff, 
had a talk with Susan, and got her out of the notion 
of marrying Joshua, and married her himself. That 
made Joshua mad, to think his father had taken ad- 
vantage of him that way, and he was a kind of a head- 
strong fellow, anyway, so he swore he would have re- 
venge, and he goes and marries Mrs. Kimball, Susan's 
mother, and when Ruben Kimball and Elisa Huff saw 
how things was going, they thought they would just 
as well get married too, and they did. 

Now, after they were all married, the question 
came up as to what relation they were to each other, 
and when one went to studying into it carefully, it 
appeared they were connected in about a dozen differ- 
ent ways, and the more carefully one studied it, the 
more they appeared to be connected, and it seemed 
impossible to reach a point where the connection 
stopped. When one started in on it, it would come up 
about like this: 

Mrs. Kimball, that is, before she married Joshua, 
was Mr. Huff's mother-in-law, because he had mar- 
ried her daughter; then, after she married Joshua, 
she was also his daughter-in-law, because she married 
his son. And Joshua was his own father's father-in- 
law, and Mr. Huff was his own son's son-in-law, and 
Ruben Kimball was Eliza 's husband and step-brother, 
and Mr. Huff's brother-in-law and son-in-law, and his 
own mother 's brother-in-law, and his own sister 's son- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 97 

in-law, and Joshua's step-son and brother-in-law, and 
goodness only knows what else, as one might figure 
all day, and never come to a good stopping place, and 
all the rest of them were mixed up as badly as Reu- 
ben, and it wasn't long after the two families mar- 
ried, till the people began trying to figure it out. But 
that wasn 't the worst of it : 

In about a year or so after they were married, or 
maybe not quite that long, Mrs. Huff's — that is — Mrs. 
Abraham Huff's little baby was born. Then, not so 
very long after that, Mrs. Joshua Huff's little baby 
was born; then a little later, Eliza's baby was born, 
and that was when the real trouble began. It was bad 
enough to try to figure it out when one only had the 
fathers and mothers to deal with, but when it came to 
mixing the children in, and finding what relation they 
were, it almost set one crazy to think of it, but there 
were a lot of people in Arkansas, who hadn 't any 
more sense than to try it. 

But there were never any two who could agree. 
and no one ever stayed of the same opinion more 
than a day or so at a time, for every time he went 
over it, he found some new connection, and you scarce- 
ly ever met any one who didn't have some paper 
and a piece of chalk or pencil in his pocket, and when- 
ever he had time, he would be trying to figure out the 
Huff and Kimball cases, and the more he figured, the 
worse it got, then, just as like as not, he would get 
mad and want to lick some one, and it got so that it 
wasn't hardly safe to meet a man in the road, for he 
was almost sure to ask one what he thought of the 
Huff and Kimball cases, and if one did not agree with 
him, one was almost sure to get into trouble, and even 



98 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

if one knew what his opinion was the last time he met 
him. it wouldn't help one out any, so as to be in a 
position to agree with him, for he may have changed 
his mind a dozen times since that. 

Then, the question got into the public schools, be- 
cause the people thought that a teacher who had sense 
enough to teach school, ought to be able to figure it 
out, but no difference what answer the teacher 
gave, no one would agree with him, and no two 
teachers gave the same answer, but they were work- 
ing on it; they had to or lose their jobs, and they 
almost dropped arithmetic and the other common 
studies, and even held night sessions trying to find 
out what relation the Huffs and Kimballs were, and 
when elections came around, the people almost dropped 
politics, and voted for the candidates according to 
their views on the Huff and Kimball cases. 

And it finally became terrible, and there wasn't 
scarcely a day, but some one was in a fight about it, 
and two or three had gone crazy over it and had to 
be taken to the insane asylum, and the only thing that 
kept the people from dividing up and forming regu- 
lar feuds, was, no one stayed long enough of the same 
opinion to tell where he was, so I got scared and pulled 
out for Colorado, and got here just about the time 
women suffrage did, and I am not sure whether T 
bettered things by coming here or not, and now the 
Kimballs and Huffs have come to mix in with our 
other troubles. 

But I will try and pull through some way, George, 
if Maria will keep on singing, for I am going to whis- 
tle, and it will not be so very long, anyway, till I will 
be too old to mix in politics and such. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 99 

Let's see how old I am now. I was 23 years old 
when I was married, and Maria was 18. The hog case 
had then been on hand about 13 years, so the people 
said, who had kept track of it. Two different con- 
stables had held the hog about a year, and it was 
almost a year old when they began to hold it; that 
made about two years. Then one court held it about 
a year, another two years, and then the supreme court 
about four years. Two and one are three, and two are 
five, and four are nine ; so you see that made the ho^ 
about nine years old when it was killed by the decis- 
ion of the supreme court — we mean, when it died of 
old age. Then the supreme court sat on it four years 
after it died, and nine and four are thirteen, and 
that was when Maria and I got married. Then the 
case was sent back to the others courts, and those 
judges sat on it about three years, and that made me 
about twenty-six years old. Then the case was started 
back to the squires who had sat on the hog, and we 
got scared and pulled out for Arkansas; so you see I 
was twenty-six years old when we landed in Arkansas, 
and Maria was twenty-one. Then we were in Arkansas 
three years before the Kimball and Huff troubJe be- 
gan, and stayed there four years longer, which would 
make me thirty-three and Maria twenty-eight. 

Now, let's see how long we have been in Colorado. 
We had been here two years when Carl Snider first 
began to keep goats. Then the next year Sam Snow's 
sister-in-law came to live with them ; that would make 
three. Then the next year, Todd Sloan eloped with 
the Widow Skinner ; that would make four. Then the 
next year Sam Snow and Bill Riley had their lawsuit 
about their potatoes and pigs; that would make five. 



100 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Then the next year was when Carl Snider 's goat hit 
me; that would make six. Then the next year was 
when the Democrats and Populists and all those other 
fellows elected a fusion legislature that it took three 
chaplains to manage ; and that makes seven, and that 
was the year Maria and I started the new party v which 
was three years ago, and I will never forget that, if 
I live to be as old as Methuselah and his grandmother 
both together, and seven and three are ten, and 33 and 
10 are 43 ; so I 'm now 43 years old. 

Maria has a different way of counting up how old 
she is, or how long it is from one event to another. 
She uses the children 's ages ; that is : how much older 
one child is, than the next one down the line, and some- 
times she connects them with other people's children. 
It appears that women have a wonderful knack of re- 
membering when children were born; that is, they 
did have before they went into politics, and could 
connect almost all events that way, but now I suppose 
they will do like men, and fall back on goats and 
political conventions, or any thing else that comes 
along. 

I must now close* for this time, as Maria wants me 
to churn ; and then I want to study up on our ques- 
tion for the debate, which comes off to-night, for I'm 
going to try my best to clear Eve and knock that 
Dutchman out. 

Your friend, JAKE. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 101 

CHAPTER X. 

EVE FOUND GUILTY OF VIOLATING THE 
RULES OF THE GARDEN. 

Nov. 12. 
Friend George of The Record. 

George, it's just as I feared. Eve is guilty. There 
were five judges ; three men and two women, and one 
man and both of the women said she was guilty, and 
two of the men said she was innocent, so she will have 
to stand convicted until we can get a new hearing 
and a set of judges who are inclined her way. 

Isn 't it queer how the women will not stick up for 
each other? I have noticed right here at home, since 
the women have been voting and running for office, 
that most of the women are trying to down each other, 
and if a man and woman are running for the same 
office, most of the women will vote for the man. 

Why, George, I could almost have cried when Eve 
was convicted, and I don 't think the judges looked at 
it in the right light, at all, or they would have decided 
different. And I'll bet there wasn't one of those 
judges, that decided against Eve, but would have done 
the same thing, if not worse, if she had been placed in 
Eve's position, and that was one of the things I told 
them to take into consideration, when they made up 
their verdict, but they seemed to have their minds set 
and were determined to knock Eve out. 

I reasoned it out like this : 

Eve didn't have a mother to give her advice and 
bring her up as girls are brought up now, and of 
course was not posted on the laws of cause and effect, 
as there had been no precedent to gy by, and that be- 



102 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

ing the case, I thought there ought to be a good deal 
of allowance made for her. Why, there are lots of 
girls, and women too. I think, who have been brought 
up under a mother's tender care, and have had every 
chance in the world to know what is right and wrong, 
who take things that they should not, then, what 
ought one to expect of Eve, who never attended Sun- 
day-school in her life, and never had any one to teach 
her, for it stood to reason that Adam wouldn't have 
very much time to give her lessons and attend all that 
garden and take care of the live stock and run the 
whole government and everything else. 

Then, it isn't likely that Adam was so very well 
posted on the kind of knowledge that would have been 
of the most value to Eve just then, and it doesn't 
appear that he cared so very much for Eve, anyway, 
except when he wanted some fruit. 

I have always felt sorry for Eve on general prin- 
ciples, for it must have been very embarrassing to 
have been set down a full-grown woman all at once, 
and not even know how to wash the dishes or darn 
stockings or patch Adam's trousers, and then be ex- 
pected to take full charge and not make any mistakes, 
and just as like as not, Adam was sitting around in 
the way half of the time trying to find fault. 

Now, if she had started a small girl, say four or 
five years old, and grew up a little at a time, as girls 
do now, so as to have learned the nature of things 
and get acquainted, it appears to me she would have 
been a great deal better qualified to have assumed the 
responsibilities she had to take up when the time came 
for her" to be Mrs. Adam. 

But suppose Eve hadn't taken the fruit, then, 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 103 

what kind of a position would we be in to-day? That 
was one of the questions I wanted Carl to answer, bu£ 
he did not dare to do it: it would have spoiled his 
case if he had. Another question I asked the judges 
to consider, when they made up their verdict, was this : 
If you could, would you have things changed back, 
just as we suppose they would be now, if Eve had not 
taken the fruit? Now, there wasn't a woman on that 
jury that would have said "yes" to that question. It 
seemed that they were tickled half to death to think 
of Eve having set them a precedent to go by, and they 
had been availing themselves of the opportunity of : 
fered, but they were willing to make her the scape- 
goat. 

Another thing we wanted Carl to show, to make 
the indictment stick, was this: Had Eve ever been 
warned against taking fruit? Adam had been told 
not to take it, but just as like as not he had not told 
Eve, and, maybe, judging from what we know of men 
now, he told Eve there was no harm in taking it, if 
one didn't get caught, and that story about Eve en- 
ticing him, will have to be taken with a good deal of 
allowance, and Eve's conversation with the serpent, 
sounds like a snake story. 

I would not have any one think I am making light 
of the Bibl^. for such is not my intention, but you 
know they change it every little while — that is, they 
change some things in it, and just as like as not, the 
next time they revise it, they will find out that it 
wasn't a serpent at all, but just Adam that put up 
that argument out in the garden, and when they 
couldn't keep the secret any longer, he laid the blame 
all on Eve, and of course, she didn't know anything 
about women 's rights, and had to grin and bear it. 



104 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

But a fellow can 't play that kind of a game on the 
women now, George, can he ? and especially, in Colo- 
rado; and if he tries it, he is going to get left. And 
it isn't right that he should, either. Every one has 
rights that should be respected, and whenever any one 
goes to taking too many privileges, he ought to be 
called down, no difference whether he is a man or a 
woman. 

Now, if Eve had called Adam down right in the 
beginning, and made him confine his activities to 
taking care of the garden, milking the cows and such, 
and let the fruit alone, it isn't likely that there would 
be so much fuss and worry now, about silk stockings 
and Easter hats. But one of the things I started in 
to tell you this morning, George, is this: and then I 
want to ask you a few questions. 

We get letters from Maria's folks and mine, back 
in Indiana, occasionally, and we got one the other 
day that, among other things, had this in it : 

"Old Bill Simmons is dead. Just a little while 
before he died, he got religion, joined the church and 
was baptized and the preacher said he was saved. ' ' I 
know that old Bill Simmons, or used to, like a, b, c's, 
and it was him who came pretty near ruining me, and 
if I hadn't met Maria just when I did, and fell in 
love with her, I would have been a gonner, sure. Isn't 
it wonderful what a good woman can do with a man, 
if he loves her, and she loves him, and she knows how 
to manage him ? She can just about make him the kind 
of a man she wants him to be, but there is an awful 
sight in the managing. 

George, I have noticed that one of the surest ways 
in the world for a woman to get into a man's affec- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 105 

tions and stay there, is through his stomach, and if a 
good meal, flavored with such little delicacies as smiles 
and pleasant conversation, well put, does not make a 
man manly, he is a degenerate, and beyond redemp- 
tion. But I started in to tell you about old Bill, and 
then wandered again. My mind appears to be getting 
worse and worse. It was just like this : 

Somerset, the town near where I was raised and 
lived in till I went to Arkansas, had no saloon in it. 
and one never heard of a drunk man on the street, and 
nearly every one was getting along nicely. The young 
folks went to church and Sunday-school, and social 
parties and such, and had the finest times in the world, 
and they all had nice clothes, and their parents were 
proud of them, but about the time I was sixteen vears 
old, Bill Simmons came there and started a saloon, 
then the thing was all changed. 

When he first started his saloon, some of the older 
men. who had sometime lived where they had kept 
saloons, and I guess, maybe wanted a drink, would 
stop in at Bill's to have a "social chat," and most 
likely, also took a social drink. 

Then, it wasn't so very long till the big boys and 
young men got to stopping in, to have a social chat, 
and of course, they had to take a drink, as they 
thought it would not be good manners not to "pat- 
ronize the bar," as Bill called it. They did not care 
for the drinks at first, but Bill kept a pool table and 
lots of other games, where they could play for drinks, 
and whoever lost had to treat, and that was where the 
excitement came in, and it was only a little while till 
nearly all the big boys and young men, as well as most 
of the old ones, spent most of their time, when they 



106 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

were not working, and nearly all their money in Bill's 
saloon, and lots of them got so they didn't have decent 
clothes to wear, for Bill got their money for whisky, 
and they didn't go anywhere except to Bill's saloon, 
for it seems the worse one looks, the better he appears 
in a saloon. 

And finally, a good many of them got so they 
would get drunk whenever they had enough money, 
and they would quarrel and fight, for when a man 
is drunk, he hasn't got much sense, and that is just 
what suits the saloon keeper. Why, there was Henry 
Smith and Jo Grimes who got in a fight over a game 
of cards in Bill's saloon, and Henry hit Jo with a beer 
bottle and hurt him so badly that he died, and Henry 
was arrested for murder, and his old father spent all 
he had to clear him, still he was found guilty and sent 
to the penitentiary for life, and his poor old mother, 
who loved him better than life, went crazy over it, and 
hanged herself, and his old father had to go to the 
soldier's home to live. 

Now, Henry and Jo, were as nice young men as 
you ever saw, till they got to drinking, and Henry 
told me himself, just before they took him away to 
the penitentiary, that if it had not been for Bill's 
saloon, it would never have happened, and he would 
be at home on the farm with his father and mother, 
and he advised me to never take another drink, and 
to stay away from Bill's saloon, but it is pretty hard 
to keep from it, when one once gets started, and Maria 
was the only thing that saved me. 

Then there was Bob Todd, who moved from some- 
where else to Somerset to live, because there was no 
saloon there, and he was doing nicely, and had some 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 107 

money in the bank, but Bill's saloon was too much 
of a temptation for him to stand, and in less than a 
year, he had spent every thing he had, and then died 
of delirium tremons, from drinking Bill's rotten 
whiskey, and his wife and little children were left 
without a home, and Mrs. Todd worked so hard to 
take care of the children, that she got sick and died, 
on account of not having enough to eat, and warm 
clothes to wear, and the children were scattered all 
over the country, wherever any one would take them. 

There were dozens of others in the neighborhood of 
Somerset, who went just like Henry Smith and Bob 
Todd, but there is no use to mention all their names. 
It seemed that Jo and Bob both died without getting 
religion, or repenting, and I suppose they were lost, 
but old Bill got their money and sent them to their 
doom, and he was saved. 

Now, one question I want to ask you, George, is 
this: What is your opinion of that religion Bill got, 
and what is your reason for thinking so? I don't be- 
lieve he ever did a good deed in his life ; leastways, I 
never heard of one. If the smallpox, the yellow fever 
and a dozen other diseases had come to Somerset and 
stayed there all the time, they would not have done 
half as much harm as old Bill did, but just before his 
candle went out, he snuffed it and thre wthe ashes 
in the Lord 's face, and the church took charge of his 
soul and sent him on his way rejoicing. 

Now, what kind of a picture do you think he will 
make in heaven, when he gets his new harp and new 
crown and starts in on his new song? 'Tis true, this 
old red-nosed imp of satan, is to have a new harp and 
a new crown, and in his leetle, old, squeaky voice, he is 



108 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

going to sing, and I wonder if it will sound anything 
like the songs he used to sing in Somerset, when he 
was alluring the boys on to take another? If it does, 
I don't think any respectable angel would stay in the 
same choir with him. 

Now, there is another question I want to ask you : 
If all these people, whom old Bill ruined, died and 
went to one place, and old Bill went to a different 
one, which place would you like your baggage checked 
for when you start on your final journey? 

I do not know when I will get to write to you again, 
as Maria has taken a notion to go over to Denver, and 
she is going to take me with her, but I will write as 
soon as I can, and if I can't get time before we go, 
I'll write after we get there. 

Maria is not feeling very well, and she told her 
doctor she believed she would go over to Denver and 
take a vacation, but he advised her to take a good rest 
before she went, for he says she will find it very try- 
ing on one 's nerves to take a vacation in Denver, and 
especially, if one belongs to the women's club. 

In our next literary meeting, Carl and I are not 
going to debate, as the committee on program have 
decided we must write a Christmas story, and I 'il get 
that Dutchman this time, for I know he can't write 
a story. JAKE. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 109 

CHAPTER XI. 

GRANDMOTHER PERKINS CURES APPENDE- 
GUIS. 

On the ranch about Nov. 20. 
Special to The Pokerville Record. 

As I haven't much to do this morning except look 
after the children, and most of them are in school, I 
thought I would write you a few lines and tell you 
how we were getting along, and finish telling you 
about the new party, for if I put it off much longer, 
you may forget what I was talking about. 

We are all fairly well, and so are all the folks in 
the neighborhood, as far as I know. Carl Snider 's 
have another baby, and he goes strutting about worse 
than ever. I don 't know whether they still name them, 
or whether they have quit that and gone to numbering 
them 

Ben White's oldest girl has a beau, and it's going 
to be the making of her, for it stands to reason that 
every girl, who has any ambition, will want a beau 
of her own, then she will feel more like some one, and 
more independent, than if she has to go tagging along 
with some other girl and her beau, whenever she 
wanted to go somewhere. 

Maria has commenced to get ready to go to Den- 
ver, but I haven't the least bit of idea how long it 
will take her, for it takes much longer for a woman 
to get ready now, than it did before she was expected 
to do so much, and each one wants to be fixed a little 
nicer than the other one, and that is all right under 
present conditions, and I want to see Maria look as 
well as the best of them, but it is giving her a lot of 



110 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

worry, I can see that. Why, she looks a year older 
than she did two months ago, but she has her rights, 
and I guess she is going to enjoy them, if it kills her. 
Sam Snow's sister-in-law is helping her get ready, and 
she is going to take care of the children while we are 
gone. 

Now, I just might as well finish up that party 
business, by saying that we didn't elect a thing on our 
ticket. After we got it all fixed up as nicely as could 
be, and thought every thing was all right, the two old 
parties held their conventions, and stole everything 
out of our platform, that was worth stealing, and left 
it as bare as a bobtailed rooster. Why, George, we 
didn't have a single plank left that would hold up the 
lightest candidate we had. 

The common people don't stand much chance in 
politics, do they ? They will get out and whoop it up 
and hurrah, and think they are running things, when 
they are doing nothing of the kind, but just playing 
into the hands of the politicians, or bosses. 

It appears that a few of the big bosses of the state, 
get together and decide who they can use the best 
in each county, then they send word out to the boss 
politician in each county, and tell him who they want 
him to nominate in his county, and send him the money 
necessary to do the thing, then he calls the little pre- 
cinct bosses together and tells them who must be nomi- 
nated, or the country will go to ruin, then they set a 
time for holding a convention, and elect delegates in 
keeping with the gravity of the occasion, and when 
the convention meets, the boss has the ticket already 
made out, and he selects the one he wants to put the 
names before the convention, and of course they are 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 111 

nominated, and generally, without opposition, for if 
some one objects, he is called a "kicker," and is set 
upon in short order, and after the performance, the 
boss takes them all around to the corner saloon and 
sets up the drinks, then the silly little things, who 
thought they were great, because they were delegates 
to a convention, whoop things up and hurrah for the 
next two or three months, and tell what a good ticket 
they put up, and it must be elected, or the country 
will go to the dogs, and the other party has done the 
same thing, then the good people, who ought to have 
more sense, than to support either of them, walk up 
on election day, and vote for one or the other of these 
bogus concerns, and it doesn't make much difference 
which. 

Why, George, the Democrats up in our county, 
once nominated a man for the legislature, who was 
so ornery and got drunk so often, that they had to 
keep some one with him all the time during the cam- 
paign, to see that he did not get into a racket, and 
then he got ia, occasionally. And that wasn't the worst 
of it- he was elected. And that wasn't all of the worst. 
The Republicans had put up a man, who was, if any 
difference, worse than the Democrat, and of course the 
people had to choose one of these two evils. 

Some thought that when the women got to voting, 
there would be a change, but it doesn't appear to he 
one for the better, as things are going on about the 
same or more so. 

But I guess it is all right, and maybe it is for the 
best. One can not always tell what is for the best, and 
maybe, the more punishment sent on us here, the bet- 
ter we will enjoy heaven if we ever live to get there. 



112 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Then, doesn't the Bible say that the "Lord loveth 
those whom He chasteneth ? ' ' There is no telling how 
much the Lord loveth us right here in Colorado, to- 
day, and, maybe, the trouble we are having now, is 
intended for a sample of what may follow, if we don't 
turn from our wickedness. And doesn 't the Bible also 
say something about, if a man sow a wind, he is liable 
to be hit by a cyclone, or something of that kind? 

But one thing I wanted to tell you, was this: I 
promised to go over to High Smith's last night to 
sit up with his sick boy, and so I went, but when I 
got there, the boy was up at the table eating supper 
with the rest of them, and was almost well. 

You see the doctor had been doctoring him for 
several days and he had been getting worse all the 
time, and finally the doctor told High he would have 
to operate on him for appendicitis, for I suppose he 
thought the boy would just as well have that as any- 
thing else, and said it would cost a hundred and fifty 
dollars, but High didn't have a hundred and fifty 
dollars, so he thought he would have to lose his boy. 

But about the time he had given up all hope, 
grand-mother Perkins came in and took a look at the 
boy, and said she thought she could save him without 
an operation, especially, the kind the doctor was going 
to give, and High knew she was pretty handy with 
children, so he told her to go ahead and do what she 
thought best. 

The first thing she did, was to throw the doctor's 
medicine into the slop-bucket, then she went to giving 
him some simple remedies, and rubbing him and got 
up a good circulation, and in a little while th j boy 
went to sleep, and when he awoke, he was almost well. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 113 

When they told me about it, I asked Mrs. Perkins if 
that was the way she cured appendicitis, and she 
said, "appendicitis fiddlesticks! the boy just had the 
colic to start with, and the doctor's medicine was a 
little more than he could stand. ' ' 

It costs a lot when one gets sick and has to get a 
doctor, doesn't it? About the first thing the doctor 
tells you, is that you must have a professional nurse, 
as your case is almost hopeless, and that statement 
alone, will scare an ordinary person into a two-weeks' 
sickness, even if he was well before. 

Of course, in complicated cases, where the doctor 
does not know what to do, a professional nurse comes 
very handy, and may save the life of the patient, in 
spite of the doctor, but in simple cases, like colic and 
those little things, it seems that the doctor ought to 
be able to manage them, for there is not much profes- 
sional skill required. 

To-night is when our social meets, and I have my 
story all ready, but I want to practice a little more 
on the reading, and I '11 bet I 've got Carl this time. 

JAKE. 



114 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XII. 

"GEORGE, SEND ME ABOUT EIGHT POUNDS 
OF GIANT POWDER." 

At home, December 8. 
Special. 

Say, George, I wish you would send me about 
eight pounds of giant powder, and don't say anything 
about it, but if you get up some morning and find the 
air full of saur-kraut, bolona-sausage and limberger 
cheese, you will know what has happened. This neigh- 
borhood isn't big enough to hold Carl Snider and me 
both at the same time. He had to go and get up a 
story that would touch the tender feelings of the 
people, and that's where he got me. 

And one peculiar thing about it was: It was a 
good deal like mine, only he took a little girl and her 
mother for his leading characters, and I took a little 
boy and his father. Of course he couldn't read his 
story so as to make it sound very well in English, so 
he got Maria to read it for him, and I wouldn't, be 
much surprised if Maria helped him get it up, for she 
had been over there visiting two or three times since 
our last meeting. He named his story, LITTLE 
MARY AND HER UNCLE FRITZ, and I named 
mine, COFFEE AND DOUGHNUTS 5c. I will send 
you a copy of each story, just as it was when it was 
read, then you can form your own conclusion, and 
see if you don't think the judges made a mistake in 
giving Carl the prize. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 115 

CHAPTER XIII. 

LITTLE MARY AND HER UNCLE FRITZ. 

It was Christmas Eve, and little Mary, shivering* 
and threadbare, was wending her way along one of 
the principal streets of the great city of Berlin. Snow 
had been falling, and it was piled up along the side- 
walks where it had been shoveled by the street-clean- 
ers. The streets were lined with sleighs and the side- 
walks crowded with gay and happy people, who were 
making merry on the birth anniversary of Him Who 
said: "Suffer little children to come unto Me, and 
forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of 
heaven. ' ' 

The shop windows were filled with beautiful 
things, that delighted the eyes of the little ones; 
things that gave cheer to the heart and joy to the 
soul, but, alas, they were not for Mary, for she had no 
money to buy. Her father was dead, and her mother, 
who, up to that time, had been able to provide herself 
and daughter with a meager living, was down sick, 
and they had used the last morsel of food and the 
last stick of fuel, and now Mary had started out to 
beg something to keep her mother from starving and 
freezing. 

But when she reached the street, her courage failed. 
She had never begged, and had no idea what a task 
it was till she tried. The little girls and little boys 
and big girls and big boys, all appeared to have plenty 
and be happy, except Mary, and she thought if she 
could get just one little bit of what they were spend- 
ing, how happy she would be, and, maybe, it would 
save mamma's life. 



116 THE 1 COLORADO SITUATION 

She wended her way from block to block and street 
to street, but no one noticed her except to crowd her 
out of the way, and sometimes a rude boy would shy 
a snow-ball at her, and then laugh to see her trying 
to get out of its way. 

She was knocked down by a team that was draw- 
ing a beautiful sleigh, but a burly, though kind- 
hearted policeman, rescued her in time to prevent a 
severe accident, then made inquiry as to who she was 
and where she was going. She told her little plaintive 
story in her plaintive way, and it touched his heart, 
for he had little ones of his own at home, and he 
may have wondered if the time would ever come when 
they would be thrown on the cruel fate of charity. 

He called a patrol wagon and sent Mary to the 
station house, and told her to repeat her story there. 
The kind master of the house was very much touched 
on hearing it, and at once began taking up a collec- 
tion for her benefit, and each one present must have 
given something, for the collection amounted to a 
goodly sum. 

Then he took her in a wagon on her way toward 
home, but stopped at many shops and stores till he 
was sure they had everything necessary for Mary and 
her mother's comfort, then he drove with her to, her 
home, where he left her with her sick mamma, whom 
he cheered up with kind words and promises, that he 
would see that the authorities did something for her 
in the future; then he returned to his duties, and, 
maybe, to look out for other little ones who have lost 
papas and mammas. 

In a few minutes Mary had a bright fire blazing 
and some good things on cooking for mamma, and 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 117 

how happy she was when she thought of the kindness 
of the police officers, and after she and her mamma 
had eaten, they bowed in prayer and thanks to Him 
who said, ''As yet have done it unto the least of these, 
ye have done it unto Me." 

Then with thankful hearts, they prepared to re- 
tire for the night, but just before they put out the 
light, there .came a rap on the door. Mary opened it 
to see what was wanted, and there stood a man, who, 
to all appearances, seemed to be a tramp, and asked 
if they could give him something to eat. Mary at 
once invited him in and told him she would have some- 
thing warm for him in a few moments, if he would 
be seated, and she began rebuilding the fire. 

But the man after sitting a moment, sprang to 
his feet, clasped the mother in his arms, and cried, 
"Frieda ! Frieda ! Dear sister Frieda, don't you know 
me, your brother Fritz, who went to the East Indies 
when you were a little girl?" Yes, Frieda knew him 
then, though he had been gone thirty long years. He 
told them he had come in that guise to see how they 
would receive him, for he had not heard of their des- 
titute circumstances. He said he had made a fortune, 
but had never married, and had come back to spend 
the remainder of his life with them, and they should 
never want again. 



118 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XIV. 
COFFEE AND DOUGHNUTS, 5c. 

It was Christmas Eve, and I was passing along 
one of the crowded streets of the brilliant and flourish- 
ing city of Denver, ' ' Queen of Mountain and Plain. ' ' 
Silver-mounted steeds guided by liveried coachmen, 
drawing conveyances, occupied by richly dressed men 
and magnificently gowned women, and little ones, en- 
cased in flannels and furs, and young men and maids, 
beaming with youth and joy, glided here and there, 
the occupants ever and again exchanging greetings 
of ' ' Peace on earth ; good will toward men. ' ' 

The automobile driver, with his thunder machine 
—headless and heartless monster — darted through the 
crowded streets as if seeking victims. 

The popcorn and fruit and peanut venders were 
crying their wares and reaping a bounteous harvest, 
as the thrifty people of this thriving city were liberal 
in their purchases, a characteristic of our western 
country. 

In the shop windows were large, beautiful dolls, 
beautifully dressed, rosy-cheeked, and, with arms out- 
stretched, they seemed to say, "Pease won't oo tate 
me?" 

Santa Claus, robed in furs and snow-sprinkled, 
guiding the fleet reindeer through forests that sparkl- 
ed in their mantle of winter gauze, with sleighs, laden 
with things that fill the little ones with rapture, were 
on every hand. 

In the churches, Christmas trees and entertain- 
ments, in keeping with the occasion, had been arranged, 
and throngs of youth and beauty and mirth were 
there. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 119 

A band of Salvation Army people, with banner and 
drum and song, marched through the streets and took 
up its station in a down-town section of the city, and 
the captain read, "COME UNTO ME ALL YE WHO 
LABOR AND ARE HEAVY LADEN, AND I WILL 
GIVE YOU REST." The city was aglow with joy 
and mirth and festivity. 

I passed farther down ; down below where the Sal- 
vationists congregate and below where the automobiles 
paraded and below where the silver-mounted steeds 
pranced. Where dolls were not so rosy-cheeked nor 
well dressed, and Santa Clauses were but meagerly 
equipped. Where the cheeks of the little ones did not 
glow with satisfied anticipations, and mothers looked 
pale and care-worn. 

And as I stood on one of the corners, thinking that 
at, perhaps, that very hour, nineteen-hundred years 
ago, in a lowly manger in the city of Bethlehem, a 
babe — our Savior — was born, a slight touch on my 
elbow caused me to turn round, and as I did, a little 
timid voice said, "Please Mr., if I had a nickle, I 
could get a cup of coffee and some doughnuts." 

The speaker was a shy-faced, timid little boy, and 
he pointed to a sign on a window which said, "COP- 
FEE AND DOUGHNUTS 5c." As I looked at him 
for a moment without replying, a tear welled up in 
his eyes and rolled down over his face onto his thread- 
bare garments, and a sob shook his little, weak frame. 

I took him into the coffee-house, ordered the coffee 
and doughnuts, and also some rolls and butter, which 
he ate with ravenous appetite, I also eating some- 
thing to keep him company as I questioned him. 

He and his pape lived in a shanty on the river 



120 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

bank, but his mother was dead, and his papa got hurt 
and could not work, and there wasn 't anything in the 
house to eat, and, "papa was hungry too." And, 
"May I keep a few of the rolls and take them to 
papa?" 

As he spoke he could not keep back the tears., and 
there were other eyes present that were not dry, and 
when we left th coffee-house, another man and I went 
with him to the cabin, and with us we took a well-filled 
basket. 

We found the father was hurt indeed; hurt be- 
yond recovery. Wounded and left "by the way-side" 
to starve. No doubt he had in his soul cried out, 
"HELP! HELP! THOU SON OF LEVI, HELP!" 
but if the priest and the Levite heard his cry, they 
heeded it not, but "Passed by on the other side," 
and the good Samaritan had not come that way. 

The father was not hungry, though he took a little 
nourishment and revived somewhat, but it was not for 
long, as the "Rider on the Pale horse" had hove in 
sight, and the "Old Man with the scythe" was mak- 
ing ready to "Thiust in and reap." 

To weak to talk much, the father pressed the 
hands of my companion and myself, as we assured 
him we would care for little Freddie, and closed his 
eyes and slept. Little Freddie, with pale cheeks and 
sallow complexion, indications of a constitution al- 
ready undermined by exposure, slept on a cot in the 
corner, while my companion and I sat by the sick 
man's bed, and just as the sun was rising, the father 
opened his eyes and raised his hands feebly and mur- 
mured, as a smile lit up his face, "Lizzie! Lizzie! 
I'm coming, Lizzie." 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 121 

Little Freddie went to live with my companion of 
the night's vigil, but not for long, as his delicate con- 
stitution was giving way when his father went, and in 
early spring, just as the trees and flowers were be- 
ginning to bloom, and the birds were singing their 
songs of joy, he, too, passed over and went to meet 
mamma and papa, and what a happy reunion it must 
have been. 

But I never pass the sign, "COFFEE AND 
DOUGHNUTS 5c," without thinking of Little Fred- 
die, and the sad, though consoling, sequel to our singu- 
lar introduction on that memorable Christmas Eve. 



Now, George, I don't know what your opinion of 
these two stories, will be, but Carl beat me and got 
the prize. The judges said that one fault with my 
story, was this : They said I killed the man and his 
little boy, but Carl fixed the woman and her little 
girl up so that they would have a nice time all the 
rest of their lives, and wouldn't have to work much, 
either. 

It appears that almost every one is stuck on having 
a good time, without having to work much, and thev 
like stories of the style, "Lived happy ever after," 
and I suppose if I ever take to writing stories (which 
I never will, unless I can't make a living any other 
way). I'll have to conform to style, but just between 
you and me, I believe that if our story writers would 
put things a little more like the conditions that one 
has to butt up against in daily life, they would have 
a better effect. 

Now, in this case of Carl's story and mine, for in- 
stance. There can not be very many Dutch uncles 



122 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

who go to India and get rich and remain old bachelors 
and come back and take care of their sisters and little 
nieces, but almost any one can help a little, hungry 
boy to a nickle's worth of coffee and doughnuts, and 
these little things may count for a great deal when 
the final report is made up, and I wouldn't be much 
surprised if even a nickle 's worth of coffee and dough- 
nuts, would, sometime, weigh as much as the stolen 
millions, that have been given to high-toned educa- 
tional institutions, where the profligate sons of weal- 
thy parents go to dissipate in the name of education. 

Another fault the judges found with my story, 
was this : They said a widow woman and a little girl 
was a better subject than a widow man and a little 
boy, but I don 't see how they figured it out that way, 
as men and boys have feelings just the same as women 
and girls, and they are just as much interested in get- 
ting to heaven. 

I know it is the custom to speak of women and 
girls as, "Dear little angels," and most likely there 
are more women angels than men angels, as the women 
are better than the men — that is : they were before 
woman suffrage came round, still there are a few men 
who are not so very bad, and they may pull through 
and get to heaven in spite of all the drawbacks. 

Why, George, I have known men who laid awake 
most of the night many a time, studying how they 
were going to get money to pay a debt that was due, 
and they had been dunned for, and they would look 
awful tired and worried, and their wives would notice 
it and ask what was the matter, and just as like as not 
they would tell a little fib, and say there wasn't any- 
thing the matter, and would try to look cheerful, be- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 123 

cause they thought their wives had enough to worry 
about, without having unpaid bills on their minds. 

And I have known men who, when they took a load 
of something to town to sell, on a cold winter, would 
go without their dinners, so that they would have 
more money to buy things to take home to their fami- 
lies, and when they went home and were .asked if 
they got a good, warm dinner in town, they would say, 
"Sure," and tell another fib, because if they had told 
the truth, it would have made their wives and chil- 
dren feel bad. 

Of course it is not right to tell what is not true, 
but in cases like these, it is hard to tell what one ought 
to do, and, maybe, if it is written down against a fel- 
low, it will be rubbed out, when the real facts are 
known, and he shows that he meant it for the best. 

But, say, George ; what do you think of those police 
officers of Carl's? Do you think he can make that 
story stick, Avhere they know anything about the 
police? I have no doubt but we have as good police 
in Colorado as there are in the world, but suppose 
some one would try to pan off something like that on 
our police. Don't you think it would take a good deal 
of extract and flavoring to make it go? 

But Carl got the prize, and, maybe, he had the 
best story ; anyway, it will have to stand that way till 
we get a new hearing. 

I do not know when we will get started to Denver, 
to take that vacation. Maria is going ahead with her 
preparations, but she may not get ready before spring. 
I will write to you occasionally and tell you about 
our literary society, but if I kill Carl, most likely that 
will break it up, for he is the star attraction. 

From your friend, JACOB SHORT. 



124 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XV. 

DON'T FORGET TO KILL GAEL SNIDER. 

Special to The Record. 

Friend George, when you receive this, I will be on 
my way to the north pole, and you are hereby ap- 
pointed my administrator and guardian of the chil- 
dren, for I am just the same as dead, as far as Colo- 
rado is concerned, but I want you to make me a 
solemn promise, just as if you saw me on my death- 
bed, that you will poison Carl Snider. 

It was just like this: At the last meeting of our 
literary society — that is, at the last one that met be 
fore the one that met last night, the ladies thought 
they would get up some kind of a new attraction, 
for you see they are always trying to get up some 
thing that will attract, so they decided that Carl and 
I, each, ■ should write another story, and they said 
they wanted Carl to write one of a fairy nature, as 
he looks about like an old Santa Claus, anyway, and 
they said I should write one of a serious kind — some- 
thing that would make people look solemn and think, 
for you see I am quite a thinker — in fact I am nearly 
always thinking about something or something else, 
and to make the thing interesting, and cause Carl and 
me to do our best, they decided that the one who pro- 
duced the best production, should have the privilege 
of kissing the prettiest lady member of the society, 
and he might do his own choosing. 

Now, you see an incentive like that, will cause one 
to get a move on himself, and I pitched in and thought 
till I almost killed myself, and got up a production 
that ought to beat any fairy story that was ever writ- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 125 

ten, but it didn't do any good The judges must have 
had their minds made up, and in Carl's favor; and 
Maria was one of the judges. He named his story 
"THE FOREST CITY," and I named mine, "RE- 
FLECTIONS," because I reflected so much in get- 
ting it up. I will send you a copy of each, and then 
you will have a chance to make up your mind as to 
what you think of those judges. 

Why, George, they hadn 't hardly decided in Carl 's 
favor, till he jumped up and kissed Maria, and he put 
his arms around her, too, and she seemed to enjoy it, 
and I think she kissed back a little. I was never so 
darned mad in my life, for you see I had made up my 
mind to kiss Sam Snow's sister-in-law, and she was 
there fixed up as nice as could be, and looked as sweet 
as a peach, and I think she was expecting it, and then 
had to go home unkissed. And Carl couldn't even read 
his own story, but had to have some one read it for 
him. 

I will stop off a few days at Alaska, on my way 
to the pole, and will write you from there, and let you 
know how I got along, but don't forget to kill Carl. 

THE SAME. 

THE FOREST CITY. 

"Oh. dear me," said David, "no one understands 
me, and I do not know what to do to please people. 
I wish I could get clear away by myself for awhile 
and not see any one. I believe I will go down to., the 
foot of the hill and crawl into the old cavern, where 
they say treasures have been hidden, and the people 
who hid them may come and find me. I know my cruel 
uncle will not think of looking for me there. Oh, if 



126 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

my dear mamma and papa had lived!" So away he 
ran down to the old cavern. 

It was in the evening, and the birds were singing 
their good-night songs, as they nestled on the boughs 
of the trees. The setting sun cast its last flickering 
rays o'er the hills and tree-tops, and spread a halo of 
light in the gloof, as David entered the cavern, where 
all was veiled in darkness; but he was not afraid, as 
he had been there many times before. He lay down 
on the moss-covered floor and was soon asleep. 

How long he had slept, he did not know, when he 
was awakened by the command, "Awake, David; 
awake!" and on opening his eyes, he saw a tall man 
standing over him. A golden chandelier, hanging in 
the arch of the cavern, shed a brilliant light around 
and sweet music was heard in the distance. 

David was a little startled at first, but remember- 
ing why he had come there, asked, "Please won't you 
take me away with you ? ' ' The man smiled, and, with- 
out replying, blew a bugle, when David was instantly 
surrounded by men who sprang up from he knew not 
where. They were dressed in ancient war costumes, 
such as one sees in old pictures, and armed with spears, 
battle-axes and other weapons of the half-barbaric 
ages. 

The man who had awakened him, and appeared 
to be the chief, gently threw a mantle over David's 
head, and he was led, as he supposed, deeper into the 
cavern and in the direction of the music, which grew 
sweeter and sweeter. 

After advancing quite a distance, they stopped, 
the mantle was removed, and David saw they were in 
a forest, or, rather, a forest city, for amid the waving 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 127 

oaks and maples and poplars and palms, were broad 
walks and driveways and majestic mansions and 
toners and temples, and fountains bubbled and 
sparkled in the lawns and parks. Sentinels stood 
guard here and there, and challenged and received 
the countersign. 

David was led through the city and up to a great 
palace with marble steps and a golden gate, studded 
with precious stones. At a sign from the escort, the 
doors were opened and they entered. The chief then 
turned to David and said, "This is the palace of the 
king of the Forest City, and you have been chosen to 
occupy the throne, which has been vacant for many 
ages by a decree of the Great Spirit, but now we have 
permission to again select a king — one who is not 
of our own people, and the choice has fallen on 
you. But if you accept the crown, and are initiated 
into our mysteries, you can never again return to your 
own people. Is it your desire to take the obligations 
and become our ruler?" 

David assured them he was willing to do so, for he 
had no desire to return to his uncle's where he had 
been very unkindly treated. Then, he thought it would 
be very nice indeed, to live in that great palace, and 
have servants to wait upon him, and rule over a 
people w T ho were so kind and gentle. 

Then the chief replied, "It is well, David; we 
will proceed to the temple where you will be initiated 
into the mystic rites of our ancient kings." 

Then he took David's arm, motioned the escort 
to proceed, and they passed through many winding 
halls and finally emerged into the open air on the 
banks of a crystal lake, dotted with little boats glid- 



128 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

ing hither and thither, and occupied by youths and 
maidens whose songs and laughter, mingled with the 
gentle murmuring of the breeze, as it played among 
the boughs of the waving palms that circled the 
grass-covered banks.. 

At a signal from the chief, a boat rowed by two 
oarsmen, approached. David was assisted to a seat, 
the chief taking one by his side, and the boat was 
rowed away to the middle of the lake, where they 
were landed on a small island on which stood a tem- 
ple, surrounded by an ivy-covered wall. 

Again the chief gave a signal and the gate of the 
wall, opened and two men, robed in garments of the 
priesthood, bowed reverently and bade them enter. 
They passed within the enclosure, entered the temple, 
and the door, with a click, closed behind them and 
David was shut in with the priesthood of this ancient 
people. 

They passed through a hall and stopped under 
the dome of the temple, where a fountain was bub- 
bling in the center. There was a throne on one side, 
and over it, suspended by a golden cord, was a crown 
in which sparkled many jewels. At the right of the 
throne sat the High Priest, who, on their entering, 
arose, advanced to meet them, placed a scarlet robe 
about David then touched a silver bell, when doors 
on either side of the hall opened and a great con- 
corse of people entered, saluted the High Priest, and, 
at a signal from him, fell upon their knees in which 
position they remained. 

Then the priest in a solemn voice asked, "People 
of the Forest City and servants of the Great Spirit, 
have you chosen David to be your king, and are you 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 129 

willing that he be instructed in the mysteries of our 
ancient rulers?" 

And the people with one voice replied, "We have 
chosen David to be our ruler and are willing that he 
be instructed in the mysteries of our ancient kings." 

Then the High Priest laid his hand on David's 
head and said, "David. I proclaim thee king of the 
people of the Forest City and all the country round 
about." Then the people arose, saluted David and 
exclaimed, ' ' Hail ! Hail ! to David, king of the people 
of the Forest City." . 

REFLECTIONS. 

As I sit in my chamber on the banks of the Tyne, 
reflections of "what might have been," take posses- 
sion of me, my one-time love, and though I would 
dwell in the present, memories, that are not without 
their consolation, press forward, and as the smoke 
from my meerschaum curls lazily upward, I feel a 
consoling, though invisible, presence, and I am far 
away and in the past. 

I am on the banks of the rolling Arkansas with 
my child-love, and the country is wild and new, and 
as we pluck the spring-time flowers — the sw T eet wild 
flowers, and ramble and revel in our innocence and 
joy — all unthoughtful of the future, the lord of the 
forest — the red man stalks by, in paint and feathers 
with bow and arrows, and the deer from its cover 
springs up and bounds away, and the little squirrels 
circle round and round the trunks of the trees and 
leap from bough to bough and chirp and chatter a 
defiance, and nature — pure, unadulterated nature, is 
all about ; and all is sweet, and all is joy ! 

Then I am a youth and my child-love has budded 



130 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

into maidenhood, and still we are on the banks of the 
majestic river, and joy and happiness are still ours. 

Then I am a man, and my love has bloomed into 
womanhood — the fairest of the fair, and all beauti- 
ful to me! and I am wandering o'er the "Alpine" 
peaks of Colorado with you, and we — you and 1, are 
again sitting under the out-spreading boughs of the 
evergreens, and I hear the dashing torrents, as they 
leap from precipice to precipice, but to leap again; 
and I hear the brooklets warbling — gently warbling: 
and I feel the breeze murmuring among the foliage; 
and the songs of birds, piping — piping to mates, 
tingle in my ears, and they are all consoling, bnt 
they are but memories of a by-gone, and while I 
know it, and know that their realization was, but is 
not and can not be, still I would not have them pass 
from me: consoling memories of a by-gone! 

As we walked o'er the slopes and through the 
valleys of our delightful western country, all was to 
me a sweet realization of life, and all was bright 
and all was joy, and a beautiful bow of peace spanned 
the horizon of my thoughts, and earth seemed good 
enough for heaven, with you, and I asked only for 
you : and no more, and no more ! 

But HE came ! He came between us, and your 
fancy for me changed to love for him, and while I 
knew he was noble, I tried to hate him, for I could 
not see why he should have come between us. 

But he — noble man, when he saw he was robbing 
me of my love, offered to sacrifice himself and you 
— with your love, for me, but I knew it would not 
bring to me what I once thought I had : and as I 
could not take the empty shell without the kernel, I 
went away and you were his and I am a wanderer : 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 131 

and as I stroll over the (too you) far-away lands, 
and roam among the different peoples, and climb the 
real Alpine peaks, or sail down the historic rivers, 
or wander among ruins of ancient cities that once 
ruled the world — cities of a by-gone, or glide over 
the Venetian bays — peaceful and calm, my mind stiJl 
wanders back — though many years ago it was, and, 
as a peaceful dream in a soothing melody, I dwell in 
the past: and I would not forget; and I would not 
forget ! 

I would not forget the castles I builded in foreign 
lands for you and me, and though I am, in a way, 
occupying them myself and alone — empty castles they 
be, they are the ones I builded for you and me when 
I was basking in the sunshine of your presence, and 
thought your heart was mine as mine was yours. But 
I am not lamenting, but only reflecting; but just only 
reflecting ! and the memory is not without its sweet- 
ness, and I would have it go on and on ! 

Love ! What is love and what is its depths ? And 
what will it do, and what will it not do? Is there 
any inspiration without it, and is there any degrada- 
tion, save where it is not ? God is love : Jesus is love : 
heaven is love, and, maybe, love is heaven. It was 
heaven when you were with me, and it is my hope 
of heaven now, and at each rising and setting of the 
sun, I am one day nearer, and you are one day nearer, 
and — who knows? "For in the resurrection they 
neither marry nor are given in marriage," and I am 
waiting: but waiting for the crossing! 

And as I wait I see you and him in your cottage, 
on the mountain-side of the Colorado high-land, and 
as the flowers are budding and bursting into bloom, 



132 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

I see your little ones — yours and his, budding into 
youths and maidens and blooming into womanhood 
and manhood, and I hear the ripple of childish mirth, 
and at even-tide, I see some bowed with head in 
mother's lap and I hear, "Now I lay me down to 
sleep," and a sweet and consoling presence is near. 

But time is passing — rapidly passing, and "Silver 
threads are among the gold," but I am waiting, my 
first and only love, and we — you and I, will soon be 
at the crossing, and centuries and centuries will pass, 
and ages of eternity roll on forever and forever — 
but I am waiting, waiting! only but just waiting for 
the crossing. 

My native country, home and dream-land of my 
childhood and youth, I will see thee no more. Thy 
rock-ribbed, snow-capped peaks, will continue to stand 
as majestic, though silent, sentinels, and generations 
and generations will pass by and floods of humanity 
advance and recede, still will they, in grim silence, 
stand and mock the elements that beat upon their 
crests, but I will see them no more forever! 

Dear old Mount Ouray, beneath whose awning my 
child-love and I strolled and gathered wild flowers 
and weaved garlands for each other's brows, I will 
see thee no more forever and forever! 

Sweet memories, all that is left me of the past, 
pray leave me not ! Stay with and console me as I 
approach the crossing. 

Many long years has it been since I heard from 
her. Maybe she has passed and is waiting. I would 
be going! 

Sleep ! Will it be eternal sleep ? No, no ! It 
can not be: it MUST not be! Eternal waking? 
' ' Yes. ' ' My soul tells me, yes. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 133 

The shadows grow dim. Behold in the distance 
the "pale horse" and his rider approaches, but I will 
fear not nor will I falter, for Thou, Oh Great Re- 
redeemer, art my rod and my staff. 



The next day. 

George, it was my intention to start to the north 
pole yesterday, just after writing you, but I had to 
pack my grip and there were a few other things I 
wanted to see to, so it was noon before I could get 
ready, and by that time Maria had dinner ready, and 
of course it wouldn't be very good manners to start 
off just at meal time, so I thought I would eat before 
I went, and that would give me a better start, as I 
wanted to feel as well as possible, and save up all the 
strength I had for the journey, as I expected to have 
to walk from Alaska up, and it would, most likely, 
be a pretty tough irip, when one had to carry a grip- 
sack And the dinner looked awfully tempting, any- 
way ; for Maria had killed a chicken and made dump- 
lings, and if there is anything I like better than any- 
thing else, it's chicken and dumplings, and there isn't 
a woman on earth that can beat Maria cooking chicken 
and dumplings. 

And I was pretty sure Maria wanted me to stay, 
anyway, for she had been singing most all morning, 
and finally I got to whistling, and it's awful hard to 
stay mad when one was singing and the other whist- 
ling, so by the time Ave had finished dinner, we were 
both laughing and talking just the same as ever, and 
I finally concluded not to go, so you are herebv 
notified that your appointment as guardian and ad- 
ministrator, has been cancelled. 

From your friend, JACOB SHORT. 



134 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XVI. 

Denver, Colo. 
(Special to The Record) 

Maria and I have finally arrived in Denver, and 
as far as I can see now, we are going to have a good 
time. I believe, from what Maria says, she is going 
to -take in the women 's clubs, but I do not know what 
I'll do, unless I go into politics again, but I don't 
much like that, for it appears that Maria is letting 
up a little in that line, and I don't want her to gel 
started again. 

But. say, George : you ought to come over here 
once, and attend a convention. I Went to the Demo- 
crat convention here the other day, and you bet it 
was a corker. You know Tom Snow, don't you? He 
is a cousin of Sam, and he used to live in the gulch 
just above us, but he went into politics, but it didn't 
pay very well up there, so he said, and he moved 
over here, because he said it was much better here 
than there, if one could get a pull, and I guess he 
got it. 

"Well, I met him on the street the other day, and 
he took me with him to the convention, as he was a 
delegate. He says it's no trick to be a politician, if 
one knows how, and there is no need of one working, 
if he can get his ticket elected. He wants me to stay 
till after the election and vote, as he says he has a 
two-thousand dollar job coming if the Democrats 
carry the city, but I am afraid I might get into trou- 
ble, because I do not belong in this county, but he 
says there is no danger if I do as he tells me. Now, 
what do you think of it, George? 

Of course, I am always willing to do a friend a 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 135 

favor, if I can do it on the square, and that's what 
I told Tom, and he said everything was fair in poli- 
tics. 

He says that some of the leading men of Denver 
— men who have held high offices, say there is no 
harm in ballot-box stuffing and repeating, if one does 
not get caught, because if one doesn't do it, some one 
else is pretty apt to. Now, don't you think he is 
about right, reasoning from a business point? If the 
ballot box is to be stuffed, why wouldn't one just as 
well do it, as any one else? 

It seems Tom is pretty well posted on most of the 
tricks, and knows just about what is going to happen 
when a convention meets, because he is the 
boss in his precinct. Here m Denver they have a 
big boss, who is superintendent of voters, and he tells 
the little bosses what he wants them to do, and the 
thing is done, because they never question his author- 
ity. A few have tried it occasionally, Tom says, but 
it made them so sick that they never tried it again, 
and it was a warning to others. He says that if one 
wants to stay on the good side of the boss, he would 
better just keep still till he is asked to mix in. But 
I started in to tell you about the convention. 

In some respects, it was as good as a circus, but 
the ringmaster had a rattling time in keeping the 
clowns — I mean the little bosses, down to their tricks. 
Each guy wanted to show oft' before the big boss and 
see how many head-marks he could get. 

But there were some things in their resolutions 
that seemed to slightly jar ones nerves, and especially, 
one who had heard from previous elections. One was 
this: "We believe that all elections should be fairly 
and honestly conducted." I think they would better 



136 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

have left that out of their platform, for I am afraid 
they can not elect their ticket if they try to carry 
out that principle and that's what I told Tom, but 
he just laughed and said, "Oh, that's all right." 

Then, another thing: "As the Democrat party 
established, so will it maintain and preserve the prin- 
ciples herein set forth, and, upon its record in the 
past, and its pledges for the future, it appeals with 
confidence for the earnest support of the people in 
the coming campaign." 

Now, it was alright to make pledges for the future, 
but they should not have mentioned the past, and if 
they would keep still about it a few years, their 
pledges would be more apt to be effective, and I told 
Tom that was the point, and he said, "To hell with 
your pint : give he a quart or nothing. ' ' I guess he 
didn't understand me, and thought I meant a pint 
of whisky, when I said "point." Of course I know 
a pint of whisky wouldn't amount to anything in a 
Democrat campaign. 

But there was one very prominent thing I noticed : 
The night after the convention and the next day, 
there were more drunk men on the street, than I ever 
before saw at one time, and from the appearance of 
most of them, one could not keep from forming con- 
clusions as to how they got their whisky. 

If I conclude to stay till after the election and 
help Tom, I will write to you as often as I am able, 
and let you know what we are doing, but I have a 
forboding, George, that I may not be able to write 
very regular. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 137 

CHAPTER XVII. 

Denver, Colo., Apr. 21. 
(Special to the Record) 

We are having a nice time, with one exception, 
and if that exception isn't removed, I think most 
likely I'll remove: but I may speak of that further 
on. It isn't always best for one to get too fresh when 
he lands in a strange town, and especially, when the 
Democrats are about to hold an election. 

I have about made up my mind to stay and help 
Tom elect his ticket, and in addition to helping Tom, 
I think most likely, I can get some pointers that will 
be quite useful, if I should ever conclude to run for 
office again up there, for I can see already that I 
am far behind in the campaign business. Tom wants 
me to also get Maria interested in the election, and 
I threw out a few hints to her in that line last even- 
ing, but she shook her head. It is quite evident to 
me that the knock-out blow we got in the new party 
movement, threw a damper over her political aspira- 
tions, and if something would turn up to throw a 
similar damper over her club aspirations, I think I 
could die happy. 

She has already attended two club meetings, and, 
from some cause or other, she appears quite serious. 
I think she is studying the thing on the principle of 
cause and effect. She was quite a good scholar in 
figures, when she taught, and she has been applying 
the principle, more or less, right along since we were 
married, and I think that has had a good deal to do 
with our success on the ranch. 

Of course we have not accumulated quite as much 
of the worlds goods as some have, but we have gone 



138 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

steadily along and gained some each year, except 
when the panic was on, and then we about held our 
own, so when good times again overtook us, we were 
in shape to sail right along with the flood-tide, and 
at the present time we have no right to find much 
fault with conditions. 

While we have not as large family as some have 
(Garl Snider, for instance, with his seventeen), still, 
nine is not a bad showing in the line of strenuosity, 
though Mr. Roosevelt might think the work had been 
somewhat curtailed. Maria seems to think there might 
be such a thing as over-production, and when we have 
been discussing the question — though she did not say 
so in so many words — it was evident to me that she 
thought there was a self -motive in Mr. Roosevelt's 
plea, as most likely he was anxious to keep up a large 
Republican majority. 

And as to the justifiableness of "race-suicide," 
Maria thinks that all depends. In our individual case, 
with the means at our disposal, physical conditions 
and all other things taken into consideration, she 
thought nine quite ample. She thinks it every one's 
duty — physical inabilities excepted, to send some 
token of having existed, down through the walks of 
coming ages, but from what she reads in the papers 
about the slums of our large cities, she believes the 
token is overdone, and while she does not exactly ap- 
prove of "racial suicide," she thinks anything pre- 
ferable to populating the earth with inebriates, and 
for the benefit of the human family in general, and 
in mercy to the yet unborn, she thinks there ought to 
be a law, prohibiting the marrying of persons afflicted 
with hereditary disease, or those who had licentiously 
contracted the same. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 139 

Now, while Maria's excuse for coming over to 
Denver was, that she wanted to take a vacation, I 
believe she had other motives in view: I believe it is 
her intention to study the club-women, and if it is. 
she will go right down to the bottom and dig up 
everything that is loose — that is: if she finds any- 
thing loose. But, if, according to her way of reason- 
ing, she finds the thing solid, she will do her best to 
push it along. Now, this is about the way she will 
reason it out : 

"If a certain cause produce a certain effect, all 
like or similar causes, will produce like or similar 
effects." That is the way she has come at me a great 
many times when I have tried something that had 
proved a failure, but wanted to try something else 
of about the same nature. She generally illustrated 
the case, by taking something that was actual and 
visible. To illustrate: If you drop a ten-pound 
weight on your right foot, and it smashes a big toe 
almost off, you may be sure if you drop one of the 
same weight on the left foot, there will be something 
damaged. 

Or, again : If you put a certain party in power on 
account of its pledges, or your confidence in it? abil- 
ity and integrity, and it proves to be a "fizzle" in 
every respect, it would not be safe or sound logic to 
advocate its retention, or replacing it in powev on 
some other occasion. 

Now, I believe these are the principles oi: logic 
she is going to use in her investigation of the club. 
She is going to search for results, and if she con- 
cludes the standard of humanity has been raised, she 
will conduct herself according, but if she concludes 
different, she will also conduct herself according to 



140 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

her conclusions, and we will return to the ranch — 
to our very own home, where Sam's sister-in-law and 
the children are awaiting us, and where there is hap- 
piness all around us, and the only thing necessary to 
acquire it, is to just reach out and pull it in: pull 
it down from the mountain-sides : shake it off the 
bushes — it drops easily, and it is not necessary that 
you employ a woman's club to knock it off. 

Say, George: I've done gone and done it again, 
haven't I? I started in to tell you about things over 
here and what we were doing, and the first thing I 
know, I was away off wandering all over the earth, it 
seemed. Maria would call it visionary, and there is 
no telling how many different names might be rightly 
applied to my condition before this campaign is over, 
if the Democrats carry out the plan that I think they 
now have in view. Why, you fellows up there at 
Pokerville don't know the first principles of how to 
corrall voters so as to have them ready for use when 
the time comes. And another thing: get a man full 
of "booze," and you've got him. 

Tom and I attended a Democrat meeting last 
night, and a couple of their big bosses were there, and 
were making arrangements to entertain their voters 
—that is, their "floating" voters, till after election, 
and, as a matter of necessity, a voter must have some- 
thing to eat, and a place to sleep, and also some whis- 
key, so Tom says — that is, the "floating" voter must 
have whiskey, or he will not vote. He sits right down 
in the harness : ' ' bucks ! ' ' and the whisky is the only 
motive power that will stimulate him to that degree 
that will enable him to cast his ballots. 

Tom has charge of the lodging houses in his pre- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 141 

cinct, and he knows about every voter there, it seems, 
and he is going to register them, because they can not 
vote if they are not registered. He is also registering 
the names of every body that ever lived in the pre- 
cinct, for he says they might show up on election day, 
and if they do, they will have a chance to vote. Now. 
don't you think that is awfully nice of Tom to look 
after them while they are gone? It's nice to have a 
friend that will look after one when he is too busy to 
look after himself. 

Tom is doing another thing that I had not thought 
of. He has a directory of several large cities in the 
east, and of Chicago, in particular, as he says there 
is not a name on God's green earth, that can not be 
found in Chicago, and he was picking names out of 
them, and putting the name on the register, or was 
having the clerk do it, as he seems to have a lot of 
influence with the clerk, and I asked him why he was 
doing that, and if he thought Chicago was liable to 
show up on election day, and he just laughed and said 
that some one might show up and want to vote, and it 
would be too bad to disappoint him. You see Tom is 
one of the best hearted fellows you ever saw, and he 
would "go out of his w^ay to keep one from being dis- 
appointed, and that's one reason why I have concluded 
to stay and help him. 

Then there is another thing he is doing, and I do 
not know whether it is just right or not, and I spoke 
to him about it, but he replied that everything was 
right in war, and politics was war, and one had a 
right to down the enemy in any way he could. 

But what they are doing is this : they are register- 
ing the same fellow in several different precincts, and 
they give him a different name in each precinct. I 



142 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

asked Tom how he was going to manage it so that 
each one would get to vote all his names, in the dif- 
ferent precincts without getting caught, and he said 
they did it just this way: "Now," says he, "Here 
is our friend who is David Sharp in precinct one, and 
he is registered on the poll books and also in a room- 
ing-house there by that name, and that is the name 
he will vote in that precinct. In precinct two, he is 
Joseph Smith at a rooming-house and also on the poll 
books. ' ' 

Why, George, some of them already have so manv 
names, and are located so much, that they have to 
carry a map of precincts to know where they are, and 
a memorandum to know who they are. Tom and I 
met a fellow on the street last evening, an old ac- 
quaintance of Tom's, I think, and he wanted to intro- 
duce him to me, but he didn't know the fellow's name 
in the precinct where we met, so he says to him, ' ' By 
the way, I want to introduce you to my friend, Mr. 
Short, from Pokerville, but — pardon me, I can't just 
call your name at present. ' ' The man looked bored for 
a moment, for he saw there were two of them "in 
the same boat." He had forgotten his name in that 
precinct. But being a sort of jovial specimen of 
"floating voter," and seeing the comical aspect of the 
situation, and desiring to get out in as graceful man- 
ner as possible, he replied, "By the way — pardon me, 
for a moment, please ! ' ' and he pulled out his map and 
memorandum, and after a few mutual pleasantries, we 
went and took something on Tom. 

I asked Tom if he wasn 't running a pretty big risk 
of getting caught, as it was against the law, and some 
one might be watching for him and the repeaters, and 
he said, • ' Oh, come off ! you fellows back there in the 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 143 

country may talk about the law, but we take care of 
the law here, and when it does not agree with our 
way .of conducting business we invite it to adjourn 
and meet in some other hall." He said sometimes a 
judge or some other officer made an ass of himself 
by interfering, but they retired him at the end of his 
term, and that was a warning to others not to mix in. 

Then, he said if one of their people was arrested, 
there was no trouble in getting bail, as they always 
stood in with the big corporations, and a corporation 
was a thing that had no politics but would support 
the organization that Avould concede its demands. And 
he also said that if a case did ever come up against 
them, there wasn't much trouble in getting the judge 
or prosecuting attorney to throw it out on some legal 
twist, for he says there isn't any law that a judge, if 
he is qualified for his position, can't construe to mean 
several different things, and if he can not find any 
other excuse for construeing it to suit his inclination, 
he will say it is unconstitutional, and that would set- 
tle it. Then I asked him what was meant by uncon- 
stitutional, and he said a law to be unconstitutional 
would have to be different from the inclination of the 
judge who was handing down the opinion. I tell you, 
George, Tom has learned a lot since he came to Den- 
ver and went into politics. There is nothing like poli- 
tics to educate one, Tom says, and I'm going to trv 
how much I can get out of this campaign.. 

The Democrats are planning to hold a secret and 
special meeting of the managers in a day or two, and 
Tom is going to take me with him. He says their spec- 
ial meeting is the greatest place on earth to get on 
the inner workings of political economy. 

I will now have to close for this time. Give my 



144 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

best regards to Mrs. Saunders, and if you get a chance. 
I wish you would kill Carl's goat: the one he calls 
"Kaiser." I would have killed him before I left, but 
I knew he would accuse me, so I restrained myself, in 
spite of my desire. He will never suspect you, and T 
can prove I wasn't there, so that will clear both of us. 
Then, I think that goat ought to die, anyway, on gen 
eral principles. 

MARIA'S HUSBAND. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 145 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

Denver, Colo., Apr. 23. 
(Special to the Record) 

Things are going on about as they were if not more 
so, and Tom says he is gaining on the Republicans 
every day, but of course I can't tell much about it, 
as they do things so different from what they do there. 
They spend no time here in argueing the merits oi 
their cause like they do there — that is, the Democrats 
do not. Tom says it is no use, and I guess the less 
they say on the subject, the less trouble they will have 
in explaining out, and the better it will be for the 
party. He says that most of the voters do not bother 
their heads about merit, and the way to win, is to 
gather up your men, keep them in humor and see that 
they vote and keep them at it till you are sure of a 
majority. 

Now, there is where the Republicans seem to be 
making a mistake. Instead of treating the boys and 
keeping them half drunk, they are telling them what 
a good ticket they have put up, and why they should 
vote it if they want a clean government, but there ap- 
pears to be an awful lot of people in Denver who do 
not want a clean government. 

From what I have learned by observation, and 
also from what Tom has told me, there appears to be 
three elements that are united on the Democrat can- 
didates, and these three elements, on ordinary occas- 
ions, do not associate at all, but by making mutual 
concessions, and exchanging grips and signs and pass- 
words, they find it will be possible for them to form 
a fusion in the coming municipal election, that mav 



146 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

benefit each, more or less: some on the spur of the 
moment, and others further on. 

Of these thre elements, the most powerful, though 
comparatively few in number, is in itself, composed 
of two types of citizenship. One is the corporationist : 
that colossal individual who is seeking concessions, 
such as land grants, franchises, etc. He is the silent 
partner, though he furnishes the sinews of war. The 
o.ther is the saloon and prostitue promoter. He is the 
active partner and distributes the sinews of war. 

The second of the three elements, is the ward boss 
He is the ordained "Cow-puncher," who corralls the 
voters and holds them in line till they vote. Tom 
comes in that class. 

The third is the "floating vote," which, while 
heavy in quantity, is extremely light in quality ; hence, 
the origin of the name. 

Now, this triumvirate is unanimous for the Demo- 
crat ticket, and Tom thinks it invincible and I be- 
lieve he is about right in his estimation, since seeing 
some of the inner workings. While going under the 
title of Democrat, it is not a political combine at all, 
but a combination of these different elements, for the 
purpose of putting up and electing a certain set of 
officers, who will do the thing for which "they are 
elected, and leave undone the thing they would not be 
supposed to do. 

Now, George, you must not form the conclusion. 
Prom any remark of mine, that I do not think there 
are a lot of good Democrats who are going to vote this 
ticket, for most likely there are, as the average Demo- 
crat, is a species of animal who is extremely loyal, and 
he will vote almost anything bearing that inscription. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 147 

But it's costing the Democrats a lot of money, 
more than the offices will be worth when they get them, 
and that's what I told Tom, and asked him how thev 
could afford it, and he said they never looked at the 
cost of a thing when it came to serving the people, and 
the Democracy was willing to make any kind of a 
sacrifice for the good of the country. Now, George, 
don't you think that is real good of them? 

Why, there are a lot of the Republican leaders in 
this town, so To msays, who are too stingy to treat a 
fellow if they knew he hadn't had a drink for two or 
three hours. Now, as Tom says, how are the saloons 
going to keep up and pay license, unless some one 
drinks'? Most likely the Eepublicans like to drink as 
well as any one, but they think a fellow ought to be 
able to treat himself or do without, it seems, from the 
way they are conducting this campaign. Why, George, 
if that principle was carried out in this town, most of 
the Democrats would dry up till they got so light 
they would have to fill their pockets with stones to 
hold them down, and the saloons would nearly all go 
out of business, on account of lack of patronage. 

Then there is another mistake the Republicans are 
making: They say the gambling houses ought to be 
closed, for two reasons. One is: it's against the law, 
and the other is: it isn't right. But Tom argues it 
out this way : he says this is a free country, and if one 
wants to gamble, he ought to have a right to do so, 
then, besides : he says it puts a lot of money in circu- 
lation. Tom is the greatest fellow you ever saw to want 
to put money in circulation, and that appears to be 
one of the leading principles of Democracy, and that's 
one reason why I like them. There isn't any money 



148 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

going to rust in their pockets, no difference whose it 
is or how they got it. 

But when one looks the thing over carefully, it 
appears that there ought to be a way of putting money 
in circulation without having to keep up a lot of rob- 
bers, thieves and gamblers, and that's what I told 
Tom, but he says I am not looking at it in the right 
way, as a fellow did not have to gamble if he did not 
want to, and the gamblers would not go out on the 
street and pull him in, if he did not want to come. 
Then I asked him how about the women and children 
who had to suffer on account of a husband and father 
who spent his money in the gambling house, and he 
said that wasn't any of his business and there were 
charitable institutions where they took care of women 
and children, who were in need. Then I asked him 
if the gambling institutions ever built any homes for 
the poor and needy, and he said that he didn't know 
as they did, but they did the next most important 
thing to keep them in operation, and I asked him what 
that was, and he said they furnished the occupants. 
Then I asked him if he wasn't afraid the church peo- 
ple would all go against his ticket, and he said, "Oh, 
we never give ourselves any trouble on account of 
them, for only about half of them vote, anyway, and 
then they go up and vote their party ticket, no dif- 
ference who is on it, or what it represents." 

I believe Tom's head is about level in his estima- 
tion of the church people, for I remember once when 
the Democrats put up a man for mayor, that was 
about the worst drunkard in town, and the Repub- 
licans put up a man who never drinked, and he was 
a pretty good fellow, too, but the Democrat was elect- 
ed. Now, George, you know Pokerville has about as 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 149 

many church members as you ever saw in a town of 
its size, but they are mostly from Missouri, and when 
it came to voting, they just walked up and took it 
straight, then went back to holding temperance meet- 
ings and telling what an awful thing it was to allow 
saloons in town. Tom says himself, that if all the 
church people would vote as they talk, he wouldn't 
have any show of electing his ticket, but he says they 
won't, and he isn't a bit scared of them. 

I must now close for this time, but will write again 
soon, but I find this campaign is going to be trying on 
my nerves. Did you ever drink Democratic campaign 
whisky? I will fetch a vial of it home with me as a 
souvenir, if there is any left when the campaign is 
over. I do not know how much they have on hand, or 
how long it takes them to make it, but it is going pret- 
ty fast. 

JAKE. 



150 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XIX. 

Denver, Colo., Apr. 25. 
(Special to the Pokerville Record) 

George, I do not feel much like writing this morn- 
ing, but I feel it my duty to do so in justice to the 
readers of the Record, but you have no idea what I 
have gone through in the last day or two, and when I 
think of it, it appears a miracle that I'm alive. Why, 
I am seven different men now, and Tom says I— that 
is, we — will have to become still more numerous, and 
we are . expected to eat in seven different restaurants 
and sleep in seven, different lodging houses, and we 
tried it yesterday and last night, and it almost killed 
us. 

Tom told us how to do, but as we were new hands 
at the business, we misunderstood him, but maybe we 
will catch on after awhile, but if we don't, and have 
to keep the thing up as we did yesterday and last 
night, Maria and the children will be orphans, and 
you must look after them a little and tell them we 
died for the good of the party. 

It was just like this as near as we can tell : Tom 
said we were to eat in seven different restaurants and 
sleep in seven different lodging houses, and he gave 
us the numbers of the restaurants and houses, and we 
thought we were to sleep regular in each restaurant 
and eat in each lodging house — say, George: we ap- 
pear to be getting the thing mixed a little. But we 
thought it was just like this : we thought we were to 
eat three times a day in each restaurant and sleep 
some each night in each lodging house, and we thought 
when he was giving his instructions, that the strain 
would be pretty severe, if one ate three regular meals 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 151 

each day at seven different restaurants, for we had 
noticed before, when we come over to Denver and had 
to eat three times a day in one restaurant, it was about 
all we could stand, and we told Tom that we thought 
the program rather extensive, and had doubts of our 
being able to hold it, but he said he thought we would 
be able to manage the thing. 

So yesterday morning, he gave a gang of us a 
memorandum of ourselves and a map of precincts and 
at noon we started out to take it in. At the first restau- 
rant we took corned beef and cabbage, as. we were 
hungry then and thought that would have some stay- 
with-you about it, and you bet it had. At the second, 
we wern't quite so hungry, so we just took a boll of 
soup and some pie and pudding. At the third, we 
ordered cheese and maccarqni and a few other things 
that we thought we might possibfy swallow. 

Now, by this time, we were beginning to have some 
pain, so we hunted Tom up and told him we were not 
feeling well, and didn't want any dinner, and asked 
him if he couldn 't find a substitute to take our place, 
but he said every Democrat in town was engaged for 
all he could hold, and if we would just go and eat 
something and take a little exercise, we would be all 
right. 

So we rested a little, then jumped up and down a 
few times and then went to the fourth restaurant and 
called for hamberger steak. As a general thing, we 
are fond of hamburger, but the very thought of it 
then, riled our stomachs, but we swore we would eat 
it, and we did. 

At the fifth restaurant, we ordered codfish balls 
and told the waiter to bring anything else that ought 
to go with them to make a square meal, and he brought 



152 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

about a dishpan full of stuff and we ate on it till 
we thought we would die, if we ate another bite. By 
this time we were beginning to be a sight to attract 
attention, and people began staring at us and making 
remarks, and that made us mad, and we swore we 
would go through with it, if we had to have hoops 
put on us to keep from bursting. 

So we managed to get out on the street, and therp 
we hired an expressman to take us to the sixth restau- 
rant, where we ordered beef with Spanish dressing. 
George, did you ever eat beef with Spanish dressing? 
Why, the kind one gets here, when the Democrats 
are serving free lunch, an alligator could not digest, 
but we were determined to show those fellows what 
a Democrat from Pokerville could do. You see wp 
were afraid they would think we were a tenderfoot. 
But we ate it : we ate the whole darned thing, and 
may the Lord forgive us for what we thought and said 
while we were eating. We don't think we will ever 
want to see another steer, and the very thought of 
cattle, makes us sick. 

But there was one more restaurant to take in. and 
we hired the expressman to take us there and help us 
in and out, and as he seemed to be a pretty clever sort 
of fellow, we engaged him for the balance of the day, 
as it was now getting well on toward supper time, and 
we concluded to start in on the suppers as soon as we 
got through with the dinners, so as to get off as early 
as possible and begin the sleeping, because we would 
have to sleep in seven different houses during the 
night, and we had no idea how long it would take. 

At the seventh restaurant, we ordered boiled tripe 
and a few other things, as we had heard it was easilv 
digested, but we never learned what the result was. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 153 

for we don't suppose it ever reached a place where* it 
had a chance to digest, as there was so much other 
truck ahead of it. 

Before starting in on the suppers, we had the ex- 
pressman take us to a notary public where we 
made out a will, then we wrote a note to Maria tell- 
ing her we would not be back till quite late, and, 
maybe, not till morning, and she must not be uneasy, 
but the fact is : we never expected to see her again, 
and we could hardly keep from crying, when we 
thought of her grief as she viewed our magnified re- 
mains. 

We will now have to close for this time, as we 
feel so tired, but will write to you again as soon as 
possible and tell you about the suppers and sleeping. 

THE SAME. 



154 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XX. 

The same day but some later. 
(Second edition) 

We feel easier than we did in the forenoon, and 
if we continue to go down, we can button our clothes 
by tomorrow. Why, George : when the hackman 
brought us to the private boarding-house where Maria 
stops, and where we stops, too, whenever we get time, 
our clothes would not reach more than half way 
round, and Maria didn't recognize us only by our 
voice, and she was not quite sure then that it was us. 
till she pulled up our trousers and found a scar on 
our left knee. There is an old scar there, where we 
got hurt when we were a boy, and, as luck would have 
it, we had notified her that if anything ever happened 
to disfigure us, so that it was a question as to identity, 
she must look for that scar, and that 's all that saved 
us this time, for if it hadn't been there, she would not 
have owned us for her husband: and, just between 
you and us, George, we felt easier in our mind when 
she reported it was there (for we could not see over 
for ourselves), because we had been mixed up so 
much that we were not sure to a certainty, whether 
it was us or not, and had some fear that we were still 
stowed away in some lodging-house. 

Now, as we were telling you, when we left off this 
morning on account of feeling so tired, we engaged 
the expressman for the rest of the evening to take 
us to our suppers. It was then about five o'clock, but 
to save our life, we couldn't eat much, but we hated 
to order the stuff and then not eat it, so we ate a 
little, but put most of it in our pockets, when no one 
was looking, and by the time we left the fourth res- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 155 

taurant, our pockets were all full and running over, 
and so were we. Then we gave the expressman two 
dollars for an old overcoat, and put it on over ours 
and began feeding it, and by the time we got through 
with the other suppers, we looked like a bloated bond- 
holder, or the head of some corporation, and we felt 
like a bloated holder of something. 

It must have been about nine o'clock when we got 
through with the suppers, and then the expressman 
said he would have to go home, as he had a sick child. 
We tried to persuade him to stay with us over night, 
but when he found out what he would have to do, he 
said he thought the child was very sick and he. could 
not possibly stay. So he charged us four dollars and 
fifty cents for what he had done, and we gave him 
his coat back with enough grub in it to last him and 
his sick child several days. 

. Then we leaned up against a post, and in a little 
while a boy came along, and we, got him to go and 
hunt up a iiackman, to come for us, and when he 
came, we gave the boy a quarter and engaged the 
hackman to take us to sleep, and we bet you would 
have laughed to have seen us getting into that hack. 
You see we had got so that we couldn 't bend anymore 
— not even in our legs, and that was one of the things 
that surprised us and made us feel uneasy, for we 
couldn't figure out how it got down that far. The 
only way we could get into the hack, was to lean 
against it and let the driver upend and roll us in, and 
he. wasn't so very gentle about it, and when we came 
to the first lodging-house, he opened the door and we 
slid out. 

Then he helped us into the house and we showed 
the clerk our schedule and he said, "Yes, that's all 



156 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

right. Come this way," and started up stairs. Now, 
it seemed like certain death to even attempt to clime 
that stairway ; and we told him so, but he said, ' - Oh, 
pshaw! you'll- make it all right. We've hadem here 
worse nor you be." So he and the hackdriver said 
they would help ns if we would spunk up, and we 
spunked and they finally got us to the room we were 
to occupy and told us to go in and enjoy ourselves 
and the driver said he would be waiting for us in the 
office when we got ready to move. We had engaged 
him by the hour till we got done sleeping. 

So when they left us, we went in, and what do 
you think? Why, there were three men in the bed 
and one leaning up against the wall and he appeared 
to be in nigh about as bad fix as we were, and looked 
desperate and said some things that one must not 
send through the mail. 

We only staid * here a little while, and didn 't make 
any attempt to go to bed, and could not have gone, if 
the bed had been empty, without running the risk 
of an accident, but we stood up in a corner and shut 
our eyes awhile, to make-believe we had slept, then 
we stalked out to the stairway and the whole seven 
of us slid down the banister into the office. There 
was a curve in the banister about half way down, and 
how we ever rounded that curve without flying the 
track, has always been a mystery to us. 

But it was the awfulest jolt a fellow ever got, and 
we don't know how we ever held together, and we 
feh sure we would die somewhere on the route that 
night, so we got some paper from the clerk and wrote 
Tom to meet us at the morgue the next morning and 
identify us. 

But we didn't die, George; but we had an awful 




"Oh, weve had 'em here worse nor you be! 



158 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

time. Why, the last place where we went, there were 
four men in the bed, two under it and three standing: 
up against the wall, and they were all cussing. We 
didn't get a wink of sleep, and just think of men in 
the condition we were, climbing stairways and slid- 
ing down banisters all night. But we guess that's 
'what saved our life. Suppose we had fallen asleep 
in the condition we were? There would sure have 
been a concentration of gasses or something else that 
would have caused a reaction or something else that 
would have reduced the Democrat majority, and we 
wouldn't have eared very much then if we had died, 
just to have spited Tom and the Democrats, for they 
had no right to get us in such a fix. 

Of course Maria sent for a doctor as soon as she 
identified us, for we think most likely she thought 
we needed attention. In addition to our personal con- 
dition, our clothing were very much damaged, and 
Maria couldn't seem to think what had happened, 
unless we had swallowed a garbage wagon, or some- 
thing of the sort. As soon as the doctor arrived, he 
gave us something that, very shortly, seemed to have 
the effect he was looking for, and while we were busily 
engaged in getting up our suppers and dinners, he 
amused himself by muttering something about the 
destruction of Herculaneum and Pompeii and the last 
eruption of Vessuvius and making comparisons that 
were not at all complimentary to either us or the 
Democrats. 

As soon as we are able, we will report at head- 
quarters and see :'f Tom has added any more names 
to us, and we will write to you whenever we have 
time. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 159 

CHAPTER XXI. 

Two or three days later. 
(Special to George of the Record) 

We are feeling much better than when we wrote 
you last, but our head is not quite clear yet, and the 
doctor says it will not be for some time, but he says 
we need give ourselves no uneasiness about it, as the 
business we are engaged in does not require much of 
a head. But he says we have sure got a wonderful 
stomach, and he thinks the best thing the Democrats 
could do, would be to use us for a bass drum when 
they wanted to call out their voters. 

We sent word to Tom as soon as we were able 
and told him we were sick, and he came to see us, and 
when he found out what was the matter, he laughed 
and we came mighty nigh cussing him, to think he 
could laugh about anything so serious. 

He said it was just like this : we were to eat din- 
ner at one place, then our supper at another and our 
breakfast the next day, at another, and so on till we 
got around, and then start in again: and the same 
principle was to apply at the lodging-houses. Why, 
he said the way we started in, would break the Demo- 
crat party up, if they had to pay all the bills. 

Then we asked him how one was going to sleep in 
a bed, which already had four in it, three under it 
and others all around the wall? He said there was 
where we had made a mistake, as they had plenty of 
beds for all their voters, two in a bed, and while so 
many of us were trying to get into one bed, other 
beds were empty. He says their regular voters think 
election time is the best picinc of the season, and come 
to Denver then to have a special good time. 



160 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

Registration is on in full blast this week, and you 
bet we — that is — the Democrats are using it for all 
it is worth. As we have already told you, we have 
seven different names — that is — we are seven, and on 
Tuesday we began to get registered. Tom said he 
would register about three of us a day,, so yesterdav 
he started in and we were registered three times, then 
he gave us two more names; then to-day he registered 
three more of us, which still leaves three. As the thing 
now stands, we are one Irishman, one Swede, one 
German, and three Americans. 

It is just like this : when we go up to be registered, 
the clerk asks our nationality, and Tom had given 
us a list of the countries where we were born, so we 
give one of them to the clerk, and as soon as he sees 
who is vouching for us, he fills out the blank in less 
time than you could say "scat," and the thing is 
done. 

In oue place we were Mike 'Flaherty, in another. 
Peter Swanson, in another, Fritz Stolzenbaugh, or 
some such outlandish name, then Smiths and Johnsons 
and Jones, and the goodness only, knows what we will 
be before we are through. We have already been born 
once in Ireland, once in Sweden, once in Prussia and 
three times in our native country, and there are other 
births coming. 

Some of the people over here, are making a kick 
about the way we are conducting things, but they mav 
kick till they get sore, and it will do them no good, 
for we have the police and also the Fire and Police 
Board on our side, and when one lives in Denver, he 
would just as well have the devil after him, as the 
Fire and Police Board. 

Then, whose business is it, where or how many 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 1C1 

times one is born, so long as neither he nor his par- 
ents objects? But there are a lot of people, George, 
who are always sticking their noses into other peo- 
ples affairs, and would even try to dictate where one 
should be born, and we have no doubt but there are 
a lot of Republicans in this very town, who, if they 
could have their way about it, would have all the 
Democrats born in Missouri and Arkansas, and then 
make them stay there. 

But there is one ruling of Tom's, that wo do not 
much like. He says the people are going to watch us 
very closely, and if we once fall into their hands, 
even the police might not be able to rescue us. He 
says we must exchange clothing every night, and that 
will throw the people off our track, or at least have 
a tendency to do so. 

Now, it may work all right: this impersonating 
business. That is : it may work all right for unmarried 
men, who have nothing to lose and everything to gain, 
but some way or other, we don't take to the idea as 
readily as we might. Suppose, for instance, that some 
one who resembles us, should get our clothes in the 
exchange, then find out Maria's address — but, pshaw! 
what's the use to borrow trouble? It comes soon 
enough, anyway. 

We must now close for this time, as there is to be 
a special meeting to-night, and we want to get a 
little rest before we go. Tom says they want a full 
turnout, as some of the big promoters are to be therp 
to inspect us, and, maybe, to issue some special orders. 
Yours truly, 

MIKE 'FLAHERTY 



162 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XXII. 

Two days later. 
(Special to the Pokerville Record) 

George, if we had known what was coming, we 
would not have attended that special meeting night 
before last. You see it is just like this : there are a 
few "floating women" — we mean, a few women in 
Tom's ward, that are going to cast a "floating vote," 
and they have about a dozen names apiece, but there 
are not enough women to hold the names all down, 
properly, so they concluded to take a few of the men 
who had the most female appearance, and mix them 
in with the women part of the time. Now, you know 
our voice is almost as tender as a woman's, so they 
selected us to one of the places of honor, as they 
termed it, but we told them we had no ambition in 
that line, and we would rather the honor fell on some 
one more worthy, but they seemed determined we 
should be elevated, even if it killed us, so they gave 
us two female names, and now we are eleven. 

But that wasn't the worst of it. They started us 
out that very same night to represent one of these 
fema]e creatures, and Tom said if we conducted our- 
selves with honor, becoming our position, and carried 
it out twenty-four hours, he would see that we were 
restored to manhood again So after the meeting had 
adjourned and Tom had given us the necessary in- 
structions, we went to the shack where we were to 
lodge and inquired for the room we were to occupy. 
Tom said we would find everything there ready for 
our convenience, and the garments we were to be ar- 
rayed in the next day, would be provided, and we 
were to put them on and leave our own. 

Now, we did not much like the idea of leaving our 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 163 

clothes, because we had already lost one suit on ac- 
count of eating too much and feeding the pockets, so 
we thought we would play a trick on the Democrats 
and we telephoned for a messenger boy to come and 
get ours and take them to the private boarding-house. 
The boss of the shack conducted us to our room, and 
about the time we got in and went to inspecting, the 
messenger arrived, and we undressed and gave him 
our clothes, under- garments and everything. 

When he left, we began an examination of the 
wardrobe, and when we saw what was there, we had 
palpitation for a spell, and our heart almost failed 
entirely, and we wouldn 't have cared if it had proved 
fatal, just to have spited Tom and the Democrats, 
but it didn't, and when we found we weren't going 
to die, we said some awful things. 

Now, one of the things we had never learned much 
about, was female garments, and we wished that night 
that we had learned dressmaking when we were a 
boy. The only thing we had ever learned to a cer- 
tainty about them, was : no one who was not acquaint- 
ed with the thing, could ever find a pocket in a 
woman's dress, and we learned that after Maria and 
we were married. Maria had often told us if we 
looked in her pocket, we would find such and such 
things, but we never could find the pocket, so now 
we thought the first thing we would try, would be to 
find a pocket, and if we could do that, we felt pretty 
sure we could manage any other difficulty that might 
arise: and, what do you think, George? Why, most 
of those garments, didn't appear to be anything but 
pockets, or what had once been pockets, but had had 
their bottom torn out. 

So, after we had solved the pocket mystery, or 



164 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

thought we had, we concluded to put them on, so as 
to get a little acquainted and feel more at home the 
next day when we went to parading as a female 
Democrat, but then was when the trouble began, for 
it didn't make a bit of difference how we went into 
them, it was all the same: they wouldn't fit and 
wouldn't even stay on. 

Sometimes we went up through them, and some- 
times we came down through them, and sometimes we. 
went in them and turned round, but it wouldn 't work, 
and as fast as we got in at one place, we got out at 
another. Then we spread them out on the floor and 
crawled into them, but we couldn't to save our lives, 
get up without them coming off before we got them 
anchored. Then we hung them on the bed-ppsts and 
tried to run and jump into them, but the only thing 
we succeeded in doing, was to skin our shins and teat 
the pockets worse. 

But we swore we would put them on right then 
and there, and we did, George. We put the wholp 
darned thing on, but some of them were nothing but 
strings when we got them there. The dress, we think, 
was what is called a mother-hubbard, and it was just 
immense. It must have been made to order for some 
circus fat woman when she had a good appetite. And 
the garments were so different from the ones that we 
had been used to wearing, that we didn't think we 
could ever feel at home in them, and that night when 
we went to bed, we wished we hadn't sent quite all 
ours away, for we never could sleep with anything 
queer next to us. 

But the worst trouble was the next morning when 
we had to robe for the street, where we would have 
to bear inspection, for we were not sure whether we 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 165 

had them all on in the right place or not, or whether 
they were right side front or not, and from some re- 
marks we heard after going out, we don't think they 
were. But the worst thing of all, and what made us 
most nervous, was : we had to use a couple of pillows 
to make-believe we were what we were not, and they 
were ever-lastingly slipping down too low and attract- 
ing attention. 

You see we were always very sensative about any- 
thing that attracted attention, and we could readily 
see that we were attraction almost every one who 
passed. It wasn't at all probable that a single one of 
them even suspected that we were just a Democrat 
in disguise. 

And you ought to have seen that hat. It had a 
"cow-catcher" on one end, that must have been two 
feet long, while the other end was as bare as a bob- 
tailed rooster's, and to save our life, we couldn't tell 
to a certainty which end belonged in front, but we 
thought it stood to reason that the " cow-catcher " 
ought to go ahead, so we put it on that way, but we 
hadn't much more than got started out on the street, 
till it went to poking people in the jaw, and I'll bet 
if we hadn't been taken for a woman, we would have 
been in a dozen fights about it. Then we turned the 
thing around with the "cow-catcher" behind, but that, 
in addition to the dis-placed pillows, caused such a 
commotion that we were afraid we would be arrested 
for disturbing the peace, so 'we turned it back, but we 
had to keep moving so as not to collect a crowd, and 
we swore again that if we lived through, we would 
have revenge on Tom and the Democrats. ' 

Say, George: We wouldn't be afraid to bet you 
five dollars, that when we come back to the ranch, it 



166 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

will take us six months to break ourselves from swear- 
ing, and just as like as not, there will have to be an 
extra protracted meeting called, and we will have to 
go to the mourner's bench before we break ourselves 
entirely. 

There are lots of other things we would like to tell 
you, but we are all faged out, so, good-bye, and if we 
never live to see you again, remember we died for the 
good old party. 

Your friend, 

OPHELIA ANN SMITH. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 167 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

Have forgotten the date. 
Very special. 

George, it has finally happened, and it placed us 
in the most humiliating situation, imaginable. It was 
just like this : 

Tom had our work laid out, and he gave us trans- 
portation and stop-overs and told us where we were 
to take lay-offs and make connections and so forth, but 
he cautioned us to be very careful and exchange 
clothing every night. You see they had managed to 
have a few extra suits of clothes on the route, so there 
was always one left in the rooming-house : or there 
was supposed to be one, and when we got up in the 
morning, Ave were supposed to leave the one we wore 
there, and put on the one that the other fellow had 
left, but some of the "floating voters" had become 
tricky, and when they struck a good suit,. they hung 
on to it, and always left the worse one. 

Say, George: you'd laugh yourself to death if you 
would see a crowd of us together sometimes. "Why, 
a few days back, we had on a suit that was big enough 
for Mr. Taft, and some of the others had coats and 
vests that wouldn't reach more than half way round 
and pants that scarcely came down to their knees. 

But as we started in to tell you, Tom said we must 
be sure and exchange, or he would not be responsible 
for results, so we thought we would fool some Demo- 
crat a trick or so, for we had just got a new suit and 
did not want to lose it, so we went to a junk-shop and 
got the most outlandish looking suit imaginable, and 
there wasn't a man, woman or child on earth that it 



168 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

would fit, though it looked as if it had been worn for 
ages. 

The man who sold us the suit, said it had been 
made to order for the Sha, or some such name, of 
some foreign country, and his royal highness had got- 
ten on a spree and pawned it, but had never been 
able to redeem it, and it had been exported to this 
.country by the dealer, in hopes that he might induce 
the natives here to adopt it as a national costume, and 
we concluded it was a very consistent Democrat em- 
blem, and bought it. 

When we were buying the thing, though we knew 
it was quite appropriate, we had some doubt about its 
sex, for it looked queer, and we had heard that in 
some of the old countries, the men and women dress 
so nearly alike that it is doubtful to tell which is 
which, but we didn't bother our head much on that 
account, as we expected to exchange the first night 
out, anyway. 

So we took it with us to the shack where we were 
to bunk that night, and we laughed all the way, to 
think what a joke we were going to play on some other 
Democrat in the exchanging business, and we got a 
package delivery man to go with us and get our good 
suit and take it to the private boarding-house. When 
he had gone, we arrayed ourselves in this foreign re- 
galia, that had been worn by the Sha, or, maybe, by 
his wife, or, maybe, by the whole tribe, and when we 
looked in the glass, we didn't recognize ourself no 
more than if we had been a Hindu or a Hottentot 
that one sees in a show, and we just rolled on the floor 
and laughed till we cried to think how silly the other 
fellow would look the next day when he went to parad- 
ing as a Democrat in this guise. 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 169 

But there is one thing that we are beginning to 
learn, George. It isn't always best to laugh in ad- 
vance. Sometimes there is a reaction. 

But we took a good laugh and then went to bed, 
thinking we would soon be a sure-enough Democrat, 
but there was one thing we neglected. We neglected 
to examine the wardrobe before we sent our clothes 
away, and when we got up the next morning and went 
to dress, there wasn't a garment in the room, except 
what we had brought with us, and we had to put them 
on or go naked : and, just between you and us, George, 
we studied a good while as to which it would be, but 
we finally got in them, some way or other, and went 
out and got a drink as soon as possible, to brace us 
up, and we began to realize how one feels when he is 
about to commit suicide. But the worst is to tell yet. 

Just a little while after Ave got out, and before 
we had gotten anything to eat, some one, who looked 
as much like a woman as a man, and was dressed in a 
suit that looked as much like ours as if they had been 
twins, came up and grabbed us and went to talking 
in some kind of heathen language that no Christian 
could understand, and he, she or it, as the case was, 
attracted the attention of a policeman, and he ap- 
peared to understand it, for a policeman is supposed 
to understand all kinds of languages when a Demo- 
crat campaign is on, and he called up a patrol wagon 
and took us both to the station house, then he said 
the man said we were his wife. And, say, George, the 
man, or whatever it was, was crying over us, and it 
was all we could do to keep him from hugging and 
kissing us. 

It was the most peculiar situation we had ever 
been placed in, and might have become very embar- 




"It was the most peculiar situation I had 
ever been placed in." 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 17^ 

rassing, and we wouldn't have Maria know it for the 
world. Still, it was almost comical, when viewed up 
both sides, for we were not a bit afraid of the man 
being able to make his case stick, if it came to a show- 
down, and we couldn't hardly keep from laughing 
when we thought how foolish he would look when he 
found out his mistake. 

But we thought we would get out of it with as 
little exposure as possible, so we took the policeman 
to one side and told him we wern't a woman at all, 
but just a common Democrat in disguise. Then he 
asked if we were registered and how much, and we 
answered yes and thirteen times. Then he wanted to 
see our schedule, but we had sent it away in our 
clothes. Then he wanted to know our name, but as 
the map and schedule were gone, we couldn't tell him, 
for we did not know what precinct we were in. 

But he finally became convinced, on account of 
our ignorance, that we were sure a Democrat, whether 
we were a woman or not. Then he said something to 
our husband — we mean — to the man who claimed us, 
in police language, for you see the police have a 
language of their own in Denver when an election is 
on, and after taking a sorrowful look at us, he went 
away. Then the policeman told us to go and sin no 
more. Oh! but the police are sanctimonious over 
here. 

Then we hunted Tom up and he gave us a suit of 
his clothes and we went to the private boarding-house 
and to bed. Maria wanted to know what was the mat 
ter with us, and we told her we had been kicked by a 
policeman. 

MARIA'S HUSBAND. 



172 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

Some later: 
(Special to the Kecord) 

Maria, with the assistance of a special detective, 
discovered me in a down-town lodging-house in the 
Democrat quarter, on Saturday night, and had me 
brought to the private boarding-house, but the police 
charged her ten dollars for letting me go. It seems 
one can get the police to do just about what he wants 
them to, if he will put up enough money. 

George, I wish I was a good hand to write and 
tell things just as I think them, for there are an awful 
lot of good subjects here for reflection, but I am mixed 
too much to tell them well, and I think politics is 
mostly to blame for it, for one gets so badly mixed 
in politics, that he can't always tell which side he is 
on, and since I have had so many names, I am mixed 
worse than ever, but so as to keep track of my sure- 
enough one, when I get it again I am going to have 
it jabbed into my arm in indellible ink. 

I had been keeping track of myself by referring 
to letters I carried in my pockets, but when I went 
to changing clothes, I lost them and just strayed 
about, it seems, till Maria caught me. Wouldn 't it be 
great if some strange woman would claim a fellow 
sometime when he had some other fellows clothes on, 
and he couldn 't prove an - alibi, and she would keep 
him for sure? 

Of course one could get out an injunction that 
would restrain her from hanging on to him, if he had 
money enough to get in to court, and employ a first 
class politician — I mean — a first class lawyer, who 
could present his case in such a way that neither a 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 173 

judge nor jury could understand what he was driv- 
ing at, and would finally give up in despair, and con- 
cede the point for which he had been contending, so 
as to get rid of both him and his case: and also, for 
fear that if they went to inquiring into it too far, 
from a legal point, they might reveal the fact that 
there were a few points in law, on which they were 
not posted, and that might have a tendency to lower 
them in the estimation of the public, then their de- 
cisions would not have the same effect in political — 
I mean — legal matters, as they would have had if thev 
had said "yes" to the case under consideration, or 
had kept their mouths shut and let the thing go by 
default, for there is no doubt but many a fool has 
acted wisely by keeping his mouth shut, and many a 
wise man has acted foolish by trying to explain things, 
and a fool who had sense enough to act wisely, doesn 't 
appear to be so very much bigger fool than a wise 
man who hasn't sense enough to keep from acting 
foolish. 

But what I started in to tell you is this : But 
before I begin I want you to read this sign, and then 
T will tell you, as near as I can, what connection it 
has with my case. 

LOST, STRAYED OR STOLEN: 

RETURN IT TO DEMOCRAT HEADQUARTERS, 

DENVER, AND GET REWARD. 

Now, Tom says this sign was tacked on my back 
when I was brought in from the foot-hills last Satur- 
day morning, by a wood-hauler. The wood-hauler 
brought me to headquarters, so Tom says, and de- 
manded a reward for returning me, and Tom refused 



174 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

to pay it for awhile, but the fellow would not give 
me up without first getting the reward, and he asked 
ten dollars, and swore if he didn't get it, he would 
take me back to the foot-hills and turn me loose again, 
and finally Tom paid him, for you see it is getting 
pretty well along toward election time, and Tom can 
not afford to let me go. 

Tom says the fellow said he found me straying 
about over the foot-hills when he went out to get his 
wood, and seeing the sign on me, he took me up at 
once and brought me in, as most likely he thought he 
could ge more for me, than he could for a load of 
wood, for no doubt he had heard how anxious the 
Democrats were to get votes. 

Now, George, I don' t see how in the world it could 
have happened, but I guess it did, for Maria says I 
was gone two days without showing up at the private- 
boarding house. I remember I was down town on 
Thursday evening with some other "floating voters," 
and we had all take quite a little, and most likely the 
other boys, just to have some fun, gave me more than 
I could stand, and most likely they all had enough 
to make fools of them, so that they did not care what 
they did, and when they saw I didn't know anything 
any more, got me on an electric car and took me over 
to the hills and turner! me loose after tacking that 
sign on me. That is the only way I can figure it out. 

Now, George, if any one had told me that the time 
would ever come when I would stick to a party till T 
reached a point where I would be turned out on the 
plains to graze, then lassoed and haltered and led 
about like a jackass, I would not have believed him. 
The thing looks preposterous, but I guess it's so. 
Everything points that way. Most likely my hoof- 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 175 

prints are still in the sand up above Golden. And 
there appears to be a flavor of mountain sage about 
me. And a scent of wild flowers in my hair. Most 
likely I had been rolling in them. 

But that's the way it appears to go, George. Most 
of us are following some party, and sooner or later, 
they will turn us out to graze. When we are of no 
use to them, they will turn us out. I remember read- 
ing somewhere sometime, this little verse : ' ' The paths 
of victory, lead but to the grave." And that makes 
me think of one that would now apply to my case. 
"The paths of politics, lead but to the grass." But 
I am in it, George. I have promised Tom, and he is 
going to hold me to my bargain. I had a talk with 
him this morning, and tried to get him to let me off, 
but he said he could not do it. He said I had gone 
too far, now, and if I tried to escape, my picture would 
be hung in the rogue 's gallery, and I asked him why ? 
and he said the charge would be contempt. Then I 
asked him who I would be contempting if I ran away, 
and he said, "The Police." So that settles it, as 
far as getting away is concerned. If the police of 
Denver once finds you in contempt, your peace on this 
earth has vanished, though almost every one holds 
them in contempt. 

I am going to stay and help Tom out according 
to my promise, for it is not right to go back on one's 
word. And I am going to pitch in and go it for all 
it is worth. I am going to die game. I am going to 
take in the whole circus while I am at it. I am going 
to make the Republicans kick and squirm while I am 
squirming. The die is cast. The Rubicon is in sight, 
but the Lord, only, knows how we are going to cross. 
I will write to you again before I cross, if I can. If 



176 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

I can't, I will write after I get over: that is, if I get 
over. Something ma3^ possibly turn up yet, so that 
I will get out alive. There is no telling. Strangs 
things have happened. But I are ready. My will is 
made out, but I haven't told Maria anything about 
my peril. There is no use of worrying her, then, from 
the way she looks, I think most likely, she has some 
great trouble on her mind, too. 

GOOD-BYE, GEORGE. 



CUE COLORADO SITUATION 177 

CHAPTER XXV. 

Denver, Colo., May 19. 
Special to the Kecord. 

Well, George : election is finally over, and I'm still 
alive. "We have met the enemy, and they are ours." 
One great battleship, the Mayor: about a dozen 
armored cruisers, and torpedo boats and transports 
and junks and scows and small craft till you can't 
rest. And some the boys didn't vote near their full 
capacity, either, but you bet I did. I was determined 
that no man should ever say that a Pokerville Demo- 
crat had tried to evade his duty. Then, I had given 
up to die, anyway, and that made me reckless, and, 
maybe, that's what saved my life. Tom says he thinks 
I broke the record, and if I did, there is a prize com- 
ing. He wants me to come over every time the Demo- 
crats hold an election, but I'll make no more political 
promises. I know I could never live through sucli 
another ordeal. 

Now, George : I believe this election in Denver, has 
been an object lesson in more ways than one, and I'll 
tell you why. In the first place, it shows what organ- 
ization and sympathetic co-operation can do, when 
coupled with official authority and boodle. The result 
of the Denver election, is the proof. 

In the second place, the Republicans of Colorado, 
and of Denver, in particular, have been scrapping 
quite a bit, lately, which is not a wise thing to do, if 
a party wants to carry an election. The people of 
Denver, and all over Colorado, appear to be somewhat 
riled, and some of them have blood in their eyes^as 
if they were out looking for a scrap, and most likely 
they will find some one who will accommodate them. 



178 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

but that doesn't change the situation, or get down to 
the foundation of the thing, or remove the cause that 
is responsible for present conditions, and you know 
there must always be a cause, before there can be an 
effect. 

Now, it seems there has been a cause brewing n* 
Colorado, for some time, and a part of it went into 
effect in Denver last Tuesday, and the result was dis- 
astrous to the Republicans, and they are now wondej 
ing how it happened, but the fact is : it didn't happen 
at all. The result of an election, is a thing that does 
not happen. While there may be a few who vote with- 
out any apparent intention, the great masses of the 
people, have a motive, and that motive is based on 
some cause, and no difference what that cause is, or 
whether it is a just one or not, the effect is the same, 
when the cause has been applied. 

There appears to be a good deal of truth in th.p 
statement, that a "House divided against itself, can 
not stand, ' ' and a house that has no foundation, is 
not a very safe thing to occupy, either: and if a 
house has, or once did have a good foundation, but 
you see some fellows always pulling the material out 
to build them a private shack of their own, you. are 
safe in betting that house will tumble over sometime 

I think that the Republican party once had the 
best foundation a political house was ever built on 
and I think it is the best we have yet, in national af 
fairs, but there are some who have grave doubts about, 
it, in Colorado, and think the sooner the voters con- 
clude to nominate their own ticket, and kick the bosses 
out, the better it will be for the people. 

I know that the Democrats of Colorado, and of 
Denver^ in particular, have an awful bad name, and 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 179 

most likely, they are as bad as they are said to be. 
which fact, however, is not very complimentry to the 
Republicans, as the voters seemed to have been placed, 
not exactly, perhaps, "Between the devil and the 
deep sea," but, between two alternatives, one of which 
which they were compelled to choose. 

"When you take the people as a whole, they are 
generally about right, and they don't often rebe] 
against just treatment, but there are a lot of Repub- 
licans in Colorado, who have grave doubts of having 
received the treatment they deserved, and some of 
the mare beginning to "buck" in the harness. 

A majority, I think, of all parties, aim to be 
honest, and it is presuming a good deal, and drawing 
pretty heavily on the imagination, when one party 
claims a monopoly of that virtue, as the people of the 
west are not ' ' stuck ' ' on trusts : not even on ^one 
that monopolizes virtue. 

As far as honesty or dishonesty is concerned, both 
the old parties are the same, and if one has done more 
ballot-box stuffing and repeating, than the other, it is 
on account of having a better chance, and not because 
the other party didn't have the inclination. 

Colorado is a Republican state : there is no ques 
tion about that, but many of the voters of that party, 
(who have worked such long hours and staid up so 
late at night, trying to sustain the bosses who are 
fighting each other — not for the good of the party, or 
Colorado, but from personal motives), are beginning 
to wake up with a tired feeling and a bad taste in 
their mouths, as if they had been indulging in some- 
thing that caused sour stomach, and feel more like 
taking to the woods for recreation, than whooping it 
up for a boss. 



180 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

It would be amusing, if it wasn't disgusting, to 
hear the politicians make their haragues to the peo- 
ple, and when you have heard one, you have heard all. 
as the only difference is a few technicalities in word- 
ing, and most of them will don a sanctimonious pose, 
and thank the Lord that they are not as other people, 
and that is one point on which the people and the 
politician ought to agree, and for which the people 
ought to give thanks, for if there is anything that the 
people ought to be more thankful for, than anything 
else, it is : that they are not as the politicians. 

But as I started in to tell you, George: I came 
awful near getting it in the neck on election day. I 
got along all right till it came to representing the 
female Democracy, then the trouble began. TroubJe 
will almost always begin when one gets mixed too 
much with the women. It was just like this : 

After I had voted my eleven masculine names, T 
put on my mother hubbard and a few other fixings 
and started out to represent the female Democracy, 
but I was not careful enough. As I had said .before, I 
had been expecting to die any moment, and thought 
it was but a question of a little time, and a few hours, 
more or less, either way, wouldn't make much differ- 
ence. So in the shifting scenes, I neglected to protect 
such parts of myself, as might look questionable on 
a female Democrat, and had, also, overlooked the fill- 
' ing out of some deficiencies, which, I suppose, gave me 
an odd appearance. 

Now, George : if you have ever noticed, you will 
remember my feet are large — very large — in propor- 
tion to what is left after deducting the feet, and I 
have shrunk wonderfully in the last two months, the 
feet, apparently, being the only part of me that has 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 181 

remained normal. My first experience in eating, after 
starting out as a "floating voter," had ruined my 
appetite to such an extent, that I had almost quite 
eating, so when I fastened those female things about 
me, and left my feet sticking out, they seemed to be 
a predominating attraction, and some Republican 
a predominating attraction, and some Republican guy 
who was watching for something to cause a sensation, 
tumbled to the racket at once, and discovered my sex 
through my feet, and knew that I was not a woman, 
but just a common Democrat repeater. 

So he reported the case to some deputy sheriffs, 
or some one else, who the Republicans had watching, 
and they came and took a look at my feet, and con- 
cluded they had sufficient grounds for action, so they 
came up to me and said, "Madam, consider yourself 
under arrest for a violation of the election laws. You 
will accompany us to the sheriff's office." 

Now, if they had said, "You will accompany us 
to the police station," instead of saying "to the 
sheriff's office," I wouldn't have felt much uneasy, 
fo:* Tom could have fixed it so that I could have passed 
an examination at the City Hall, all right, but I was 
almost sure I could not stand the test at the sheriff's 
office, for they appeared to be very particular, judg- 
ing from what I had heard, and were likely to draw 
a much finer distinction than they were likely to draw 
at the City Hall. 

So when they mentioned the sheriff 's office, I was 
never so frightened in my life. But as luck would 
have it, just as they were starting off with me, a gang 
of five or six police came up, and they could see at 
once that some Democrat was in trouble, so one q£ 
them stepped up and said, "Hey, there! vat the divil 



182 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

be ye af ther dune ? ' ' The fellows told him that they 
had arrested a bogus Democrat for repeating. "And 
it's repeaten ye be chagen the leddy with, is it?" 
asked the policeman. "It's a dom pretty set ye be 
to coom around thryen to prevent an honest woman, 
who has five children depended on her for support, 
from voten for her counthry," says he. "Lether go 
. at once, ' ' says he, ' ' and you guys coom and go with 
us," and they marched away with them toward the 
City Hall, and I never felt so relieved in my life. It 
was about the first time I ever had a good feeling for 
a policeman, and I'm going to be a little careful what 
I say about them from this on. 

But I'm out of politics, for the - present, at least, 
George: and I'm glad this campaign is over. I helped 
Tom out according to me promise, and am under no 
further obligation to him. I suppose he will now get 
his job at two thousand dollars a year, and it was 
only a question as to whether he or some one else got 
it, as they all, "doncher see"? are working for the 
good of the people, whom they love so much. 

What was that Caesar said just after he had 
kicked the dashboard off the fellows who had been 
getting in his way ? It was something like this : * ' Veni 
vidi visi." Well, we came and we have seen, and if 
we didn't conquer, we got experience that ought to 
be worth something. 

But don't give me any more city life, George: 
and specially, when a campaign is on, and it comes 
to stopping at a private boarding-house, where they 
keep the grub in private. I just want to go back into 
the couutry, where I can get something that I can 
eat, and a breath of pure air, and where one is sur- 
rounded by realities, instead of make-believes. Why, 



184 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

George, half the people one meets here in town, don't 
seem to be the real article, but a sort of imitation that 
had been put up to order, and instead of being real 
individuals, they seem to be little cogs in a big wheel, 
and must revolve as the wheel revolves. 

And when they talk, they don't seem to talk from 
any basis of thought, but just mumble over some- 
thing they have heard some one else say, and when 
■they have mumbled that, they are done. And their 
smiles appear to be done up in packages, of different 
sizes and denominations, some to be used on the 
street, and some in other places: and then some for 
special occasions. 

I'm just fretting, and I think Maria is too, to get 
back to our mountain home, where we can stroll over 
the foothills, and go away up into the gorges and see 
the crystal waters as they come plunging "down over 
the cliffs, then go rolling on till they reach another 
cliff, then take another plunge, and so on, till the 
valley is reached, and their plunging is over, and they 
roll peacefully to the sea. 

And the air we get up there, as it dips down from 
the snow-capped peaks and is wafted o'er the low- 
lands! It doesn't taste a bit like it does here in the 
city. 

And when I am up there wandering over the 
country, and see the horses and cattle so peacefully 
grazing, and the beautiful wild flowers all around, 
and once in a while see a deer spring up and bound 
away, and the little squirrels and chipmunks circling 
the trunks of the trees, and leaping from bough to 
bough, and scampering away to their dens, where 
they turn round and talk saucy, as if they dared you 
to catch them, and see how beautiful and harmonious 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 185 

all nature is, where it has not been adulterated by 
the politician or science or the "New Thought," T 
just think it is a good enough place up there to stay 
forever, and I don 't seem to want to leave Colorado 
to go to heaven or any place else, but just stay here 
all the time. 

I expect Sam's sister-in-law will be glad to see us 
come home, for most likely the children have given 
her a lot of trouble. Did you get a chance to kill 
Carl's goat? If you didn't, let him go till I came home, 
for I thing I can butt up against him myself, with 
a fair chance of success, since passing through the 
Denver campaign: anyway, I'm willing to try him a 
few rounds, and if he knocks me out, I'll buy and 
send him over to help Tom the next time the Demo- 
crats hold an election in Denver. 

Au revoir, GEORGE. 



186 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

CHAPTER XXVI. 

Special to The Record. 

Say, George: I've got some news that looks good 
to me. You see I've been so busy since I came over 
here, that I almost forgot Maria, and it seems she 
has been quite busy, too, and from what she says, I 
•guess she ran up against some things that had a tend- 
ency to jar her nerves, as well as give her material 
for reflection. 

Last night just after I had written and mailed 
your letter, she returned from some kind of a meet- 
ing she had been attending, and she looked so troubled 
and care-worn, that I was sure there was something 
the matter, and that she was not having a good time, 
so I said to her, "Maria, what's the matter?" Then 
she came over where I was sitting and hugged and 
kissed me and said, "Jake, take me home, won't you?" 

Now, I was never more surprised in my life, for I 
had taken it for granted she would have a good time 
she w T as not looking well, but I thought, maybe, it was 
on account of having more of a good time than she 
was used to, for, as you remember, the doctor had told 
her she ought to rest up before coming to Denver on 
a vacation, and especially, in time of a campaign, for 
I guess he thought there was a good deal expected of 
the women, when a thing of that kind was on. 

So when she said, "Jake, won't you take me 
home?" I asked her again, "What is it Maria? What 
has happened ? Has some one been snubbing you ? If 
they have, I'll get Tom and the police, and we'll turn 
this town up side down. ' ' But she just replied, ' ' Jake, 
I've got enough of this thing." 

Now, Maria is not a woman who wastes many words 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 187 

in telling something, when a few words will do, so 
after she had composed herself somewhat, and quieted 
down a little, she told me of several little experiences 
she had had since coming over to Denver. Why, 
George: she had been taking part in politics, just; 
about the same as I had, and each one had been keep- 
ing it a secret from the other. But she didn't vote: 
she drew a line at that. She would not violate the 
law by voting, but it seems she went as far as she 
could go without violating the law. 

Women are not as bad as men: that is, they are 
not as bad yet, and I wish we could keep them that 
way. Then we would have something worth fighting 
for, wouldn't we, George? And we would not be so 
apt to go so far away from the right, as we are likely 
to go, if, hand-in-hand, they insist on going with us. 
But I started in to tell you about Maria and some of 
her conclusions. 

She says the woman's club is all right, where it is 
properly conducted, but she says she would not use 
the club for political purposes, any more than she 
would use the church for political purposes. And she 
says that as far as equal rights are concerned, the 
women are making a great mistake, for the only thing 
they have accomplished, is to give themselves a lot 
of extra work and worry and trouble, and as far as 
accomplishing reforms is concerned' the political 
woman has been a failure, but she thinks the social 
woman and the club woman, have accomplished a 
great deal. 

Now, Maria, does not think that all the women who 
take part in politics, are bad, and those who do not 
take part, are all good, for she says she learned that 
there are a lot of good women, who still think they 



188 THE COLORADO SITUATION 

can do something in the way of reform, by using their 
right of suffrage, and that there are a great many 
other good women, who are about willing to admit 
that suffrage is a failure. To verify her belief in this 
line, she points out the result of elections in Denver, 
where the temperance question was voted on, and the 
whisky element carried the town by a two-thirds vote, 
but in many other large towns in other states, where 
the women do not vote, the saloon had been voted out. 
But she still says that she believes women ought to 
have the right to vote if they wish, but she has got 
all she wants of it. 

Then, it seems, from what Maria said, that she has 
been investigating another subject, that is hardly 
political. She says that under the new conditions, it 
is very inconvenient for children to be in the way, 
and if a woman has a baby at home, she can not very 
well fill the requirements of the new woman away 
from home, and this is one of the cases in which she 
and the man can not exchange places, because it isn 't 
according to nature, and it doesn't make a bit of dif- 
ference how much she may demand equal rights, she 
must conform to nature in this one particular case, 
or go out of business, and Maria says that from what 
she has observed, she believes there are a lot of women 
who have resolved to close shop and go into politics, 
even if it should have a tendency to reduce the popu- 
lar vote and cut down the Democrat majority. 

I do not know the scientific name of this subject, 
or whether it has one or not, and if it has a name, 
most likely it is known only by those who know how 
to successfully avoid complications. 

Maria told me one other thing that may surprise 
you, George. She said that if the woman suffrage 



THE COLORADO SITUATION 189 

question was put to a vote in Colorado, and no one 
but women voted, she believed they would vote it 
down by a large majority, if all the women went tc 
the polls and voted as they thought, and I wouldn't 
be much surprised myself, if they would, after see- 
ing what I have since coming over to Denver. 

One of the reasons she gives for her thought, is 
this : She says it is plain to be seen by any one who 
reads the papers, and is not prejudiced, that women 
are accomplishing much more, in the way of reform, 
advanced thought and legislation, where they are not 
voting, than where they are, for where they vote, 
there are but few of them that take an active part, 
and they spend so much of their time in political wire 
pulling and saying hard things about the men, that 
they have but little time left for thinking out reforms. 

But Maria says she has got enough, and I say 
"AMEN," and when we get back to the ranch, I'm 
going to butcher the biggest steer I've got on the 
range, and invite all the people in and have a bar- 
becue. I'm glad we came over to Denver, even if I 
did spoil two suits of clothes in helping Tom skin the 
Republicans, for politics is but a "skin game," any- 
way, and it doesn't make much difference which party 
is skinned. 

But Maria says she has enough, and so have I, of 
politics and equal rights and such, and there is where 
we are both winners, and that's what I'm going to 
tell Tom. 







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